Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if it's ever acceptable to invite yourself a long somewhere?

55 replies

Runny · 26/09/2016 20:17

Say if you hear a group of people you know, chatting about going to an event that you'd like to go to, is it ever acceptable to say 'hey, can I come along?'. Would that sound desperate/cheeky/rude? Obviously I'm talking about a public event here, not a private party or function.

I nearly did this on Saturday but stopped myself at the last minute. It was on the tip of my tongue, but I didn't want to put them on the spot.

OP posts:
WingsofNylon · 26/09/2016 20:38

I wouldn't ask quite as directly. Might say something like 'Oh that sounds interesting, I might come along if you don't mind.' I have done it before. If they don't want you or it wouldn't work it is usually pretty obvious. So just be prepared for that. Usually it has worked out fine.

maggiethemagpie · 26/09/2016 20:42

I think it would sound desperate/cheeky/rude to just invite yourself along. I'd drop hints - eg 'oh that film sounds really interesting, I've been thinking of going to see it'....

It's ever so slightly less humiliating if you still get knocked back. You can pretend to yourself that they didn't REALLY knock you back because you didn't REALLY ask to go along you were just saying the film looked interesting.

Original poster
Runny · 26/09/2016 21:01

I kind of think if they didn't want you there they wouldn't talk about it in front of you, but then if they did they'd ask you a long. It's so confusing, isn't it?

OP posts:
shitwithsugaron · 26/09/2016 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1471462362 · 26/09/2016 21:22

I agree that if they didn't want you there, they wouldn't mention it (unless deliberately trying to make you feel unwelcome, which did happen to me with a few colleagues a few years ago Angry). Normally when this happens among nice, decent people they all assume someone else has already let you know what they are up to, so you can easily invite yourself along Smile

Arfarfanarf · 26/09/2016 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Runny · 26/09/2016 21:37

Oh, I'd never invite myself on someone else's holiday that's just rude. Same goes for a private party, wedding or someone's house.

OP posts:
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 26/09/2016 23:41

I think it's more rude of people in cliques to discuss things In front of people that they don't want them included it. TBH.
Years ago I was told. Oh I live you're not invited on this night out. My reply was Has ........... Got your name above the door. I'll go where I like. I made sure I was a source of annoyance all night. Trying to tell me where I can and can't go. Away and fuck.

Original poster
Runny · 27/09/2016 16:44

That's a great response Ilive. Generally it wouldn't bother me if someone asked to tag a long to an event that I was going to, but that's just me. I know others are different.

OP posts:
YelloDraw · 27/09/2016 18:18

Amongst my friends and acquaintances that would be totally normal thing to do.

If I was doing something specially with one friend I wouldn't be raving about it to you in the first place as that's a bit rude.

PJBanana · 27/09/2016 18:29

I'd go with maggie's idea of dropping hints. I would feel awful inviting myself to anything! Although it obviously depends on who's going.

I've had people invite themselves to stuff before and I hate it.

My ex DP's dad tried to invite himself on our week long holiday in Tenerife!! When we told him we'd booked, he said something along the lines of "ooh sounds lovely that, how much were the flights? Might try and have some time out myself!" Needless to say we made some excuses and luckily he forgot about the idea.

Hmm
DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain · 27/09/2016 18:31

I did the other day when weather was hot. A friend mentioned she was taking DD open air swimming after school. I said that sounds nice, perfect day for it. Actually would you mind if we came along too. Friend seemed happy , indeed it may have bee a tentative invitation..

Bearbehind · 27/09/2016 18:35

I think if people are talking about going somewhere and you're in the general conversation but no one asks you then it's fair to assume they'd rather you didn't go too.

As for saying Oh that sounds interesting, I might come along if you don't mind Shock

That's horrendous- that's not even asking if you can go, it's telling people you're going!

SandyY2K · 27/09/2016 18:43

shitwithsugaron

I've a colleague who went on a holiday with her DHs family and it sounds identical to what you describe. Did you travel to Europe?

It depends on who it was talking about the outing. If my sisters were talking then I'd have no hesitation.

If it was another group I'd wonder why they didn't think to ask me.

DiJiBiDi · 27/09/2016 18:45

Well for me personally I'd just drop a little hint something along the lines of "oh I was thinking about going to see that" or "that sounds really fun and interesting".

I wouldn't actually invite myself along telling people I'd be coming with them that's very rude in my opinion, if you drop hints and they don't pick up on it then oh well. Move on and get over it!

bloodyteenagers · 27/09/2016 18:59

Oh great. What time we all meeting?

Oh I'm not invited? Then why the fuck do you think it is acceptable to talk about this now?

No one has ever been rude since to talk about plans others not invited to in front of them.

KathArtic · 27/09/2016 19:04

Can't you say 'that's something I would like - if someone drops out give me a call'

ConvincingLiar · 27/09/2016 19:07

I think if you say "that sounds interesting" and follow up with some general questions it opens it up for them to suggest you go.

Braywatch · 27/09/2016 20:43

I guess it depends on how the conversation is playing out. If you already know about the event, could you say 'I was thinking of going to that', or if clearly hearing about it for the first time, 'I love things like that/ that sounds like my kind of thing, perhaps I'll try and check it out', keeping it vague-sounding. Hopefully they would then extend the invite, or suggest meeting up with them there, if not, you can attend (or not) as you wish.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 27/09/2016 20:46

Totally unacceptable. Whether asking directly or indirectly it's a twattish thing to do. If the person says yes you can come, chances are they are just being polite unlike the person who asks to attend

Surely adults understand that they don't have to be included in every event they hear being discussed?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 27/09/2016 20:46

And dropping hints is equally twattish. If someone wants you to come, they can ask

AnythingMcAnythingface · 27/09/2016 20:50

Oh great. What time we all meeting?

Oh I'm not invited? Then why the fuck do you think it is acceptable to talk about this now?

No one has ever been rude since to talk about plans others not invited to in front of them.

^
This!!

Invite yourself, go for it. If you aren't welcome it will be a nice lesson for them in manners Grin

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 27/09/2016 20:53

Isn't inviting yourself along to something pretty bad manners too?

AnythingMcAnythingface · 27/09/2016 20:56

No.

mixety · 27/09/2016 21:00

It's a tricky one I think, etiquette-wise. I tend to think that in the spirit of niceness you should be able to say you would like to go too, and they should either have a fair reason why not, which they could say, or else agree to have you along.

That said, I can think of a few situations where I might be worried about someone changing the dynamic, for example a very thrifty person wanting to come along to something where others wanted to see d freely, or a bossy/over-organised person wanting to come along to something where others would want to be more laid back and go with the flow.