Christmas parties with a newborn

[Stm2016]

My second baby is due mid-Nov (first born will be 3 in January) and my husband is already talking about his work Christmas do's in December, one of which will be in London so he'll have to stay over.

I don't want to be a buzzkill but I'm not really happy that he'll be on multiple work jollies through December while I'm at home on my own with a toddler and a newborn. I'd rather play it by ear and see how the new baby settles before he assumes it's ok to commit.

Am I being unreasonable here?

Yes because it doesn't take two of you to watch a newborn for one or two nights.

YANBU

How bloody selfish to 'assume' he can bugger off, especially if there's more than 1!

If he gets a night off then so should you

No! It's tough with two at first and o think it's fair enough to ask that he at least waits to see how you feel at the time.

No because the toddler is liable to play up or change their behaviour (night wakings, tough bedtime etc) when the new baby comes and it's unfair to assume you will be able to cope with both for two days and a night without a break

I don't think so, especially with the toddler. You might be overdue or having a longer recovery, the baby could be a screamer....

Any room for compromise and your husband picking one or two events he really Wants to do and agreeing to either make it home or organise separate childcare for the older dc? I would want the right to change my mind even with that tbh.

A 3/4 week old and a toddler with DH off on a jolly no doubt recovering with a lie in and fry up at a hotel? That's just bloody selfish!

I don't see the problem personally I'm due October with no.2 I'm encouraging DH to go to his just because I can't go shouldn't mean he can't. If I was worried I wouldn't be able to cope with both children for 1 night I wouldn't have had another.

Lots of women have partners that work away. I do and I managed.

Honestly you will be fine. Not sure about the 'multiple' work dos but one night away in London surely is fine.

It's always going to be a busy time op even with you both.

I don't think he's being selfish. Maybe he hasn't really thought about it as its only for a few nights. It's not like he's disappearing for weeks at a time!

My DP has started a new job. One of the perks is a weekend away in Spain for the company (!). He turned it down because of me and DS, and I was a bit annoyed that he did that lol. I really wanted him to go and have fun, as he stresses enough for the both of us on a regular basis.

I guess it's different for everyone. I am happy for DP to go out as often as he likes because I know he will look after DS whenever I want to go out, and he will do so happily. in fact, he's always telling me to arrange stuff with friends.

YANBU. He does not get to decide he's heading off for overnight Christmas parties unless you both agree - having a newborn and a toddler may be very challenging at first.

YANBU. Those will be tough bedtimes, surely he can make a few sacrifices to make the first few weeks of your life enjoyable especially around that time of year.
The usual crowd will be on to say that single mothers manage it. They deserve a sainthood, but you do have a partner and he should want to make life pleasant for you, not push you to your limit so soon after having a baby.

It's more the uncertainty for me ie no idea how this baby will be and what state I'll be in (my first was incredibly challenging) - it was just the assumption that annoyed me more than anything. If it had been framed more 'let's see how we get on but here's the date' then I don't think I'd be as annoyed but he's got several other work things coming up plus a weekend away in Jan and it's just making me feel a bit crap that I'll be stuck here on my own. Plus no family locally so don't have any help

YANBU but on the other hand, I can see why he'd want to go. There's a reasonable chance that you might go overdue so baby might only be two weeks old or so, or you might not feel up to doing the night feeds and looking after toddler on your own for two days and a night.... I wouldn't like it.

If he does go, I would see if there's anyone (family wise) who could have your 2yo overnight, or could you go and stay with the children at your parents/his parents overnight? Or have a family member come and stay with you? It would probably be a struggle on your own, the newborn not so much, but the toddler will want your attention and entertaining and taking out for a walk and it's all pretty exhausting when you're on your own. Also if he goes on the overnight one, I'd expect any other do's (if at all) to be limited i.e. going for a couple of hours to be sociable but driving home and not drinking. I don't think he should expect all his December Christmas jollies to go on as normal with a toddler, a newborn and a postpartum wife at home whilst he gets hammered and has loadsa fun!!

Stm - if planned would one of your family be able to come and stay with you? To be honest it's tempting to just say No to the work do's but I've been where you are before and it's a choice of either feeling resentful because you have a new baby and a toddler and are coping on your own whilst they are off having fun without (it feels) a seconds thought... or you feel guilty because you've put your foot down, so they don't go and then you feel like a harpy wife, keeping DH from a bit of fun... I feel for you!!!!

That's what annoyed me on your behalf stm he assumption that he'd just carry on going with no changes/discussions.

I'm due beginning of December and my DH - who is the boss so really should be there! - will play it by ear with his work do. Dependent on how birth/recovery/disruption to DS's sleep goes he may go or he may not.

Figgy I thought I could cope too, then I realised that the baby wanted to be fed to sleep in bed, before the toddlers bedtime, or screamed blue murder. That left me with a challenge of what to do with the two-year old for half an hour. It's been a real juggling act.
Melibu do you just have one? Totally different kettle of fish.
I would probably compromise on one night out and expect a very decent lie in as pay back. I recommend a motorised swing - I also used a stretchy wrap but it was hard to get the eldest changed while wearing it.

Winter well put

He's not talking about leaving the country for a year!

It's one bedtime routine. One.

How many are we talking?! The odd night out wouldn't have me batting an eyelid tbh.

I have a four week old. You forget how tired you are by the time week 3 /4 arrive and how fussy newborn can be at times! You will be fine but it is hard on your own (if he goes). Can you get family over to help you?

Waltermitty - well it's not one really. There was a works do last week, another in a couple of weeks, a stag do in January for a full weekend plus however many in December.

I'm in loads of pain with this pregnancy and my toddler is 'boisterous' to say the least so yes I'm finding it hard now, never mind with a newborn too!

Again, it's not the 'one night' that's so hard - I'm sure I'll survive. I'm just feeling like I'm having the shit end of the stick and he's free to gallivant off without any thought for me because I should be able to cope on my own

Ps to clarify - he's an excellent dad and husband - my question really was how unreasonable is it for me to say please hold off on big nights out till we've found our feet, that's all. He's not a big party animal normally so I don't want to be a total bitch

Well then I think a compromise is fair.

If he wants to go to the stag do in January, he should only go to the main works night in December!

I think your being a little harsh. I wouldn't expect DH to miss his Xmas party because of a baby 4 weeks old. Just like I know that Dh would push me out the door to attend mine.
It's only for a few hours and I don't think it's a two person job 24 hours a day. There only babies.

Dh had to start working abroad when dc1 was a toddler and dc2 was a few weeks old. We all survived and it wasn't fun but it was important for his career. I still think YANBU. Having a small baby involves some sacrifices, they don't have to all fall on you because you are the mother. If he has to miss out on one or two nights out in the very early days so that you are not left unsupported is it really that big of an ask? I expect you'll be making much bigger sacrifices! It's not just a question of coping. It's whether the OP should have to put up with a potentially shit evening of very new newborn and toddler wrangling so that her dh can carry on his life as if nothing has changed.