Christmas parties with a newborn

[Stm2016]

My second baby is due mid-Nov (first born will be 3 in January) and my husband is already talking about his work Christmas do's in December, one of which will be in London so he'll have to stay over.

I don't want to be a buzzkill but I'm not really happy that he'll be on multiple work jollies through December while I'm at home on my own with a toddler and a newborn. I'd rather play it by ear and see how the new baby settles before he assumes it's ok to commit.

Am I being unreasonable here?

I don't see the problem personally I'm due October with no.2 I'm encouraging DH to go to his just because I can't go shouldn't mean he can't. If I was worried I wouldn't be able to cope with both children for 1 night I wouldn't have had another.

All the best Figgy - hope it goes well for you. All I would say is that I don't know anyone who has had a second child "the same as" the first. My first child never slept (almost literally!). DD2 slept so much I was worried about her! That way round was a pleasant surprise and meant the whole "no 2" thing was a lot easier than I'd expected. My lovely but a bit smug and "I've been so good with the Gina Ford friend had a hell of a shock when her placid son had a brother who screamed and screamed and screamed for 6 months.... That's why I think a "wait and see" approach is the way to go.

....plus, if I had a tip for anyone about having a second one, it would be to lavish time and attention on your toddler. Make it about him being "the big brother", showing "his" baby brother to his friends etc etc. Don't know if you agree with that or not - but if you do, it's a heck of a lot easier to do that and give that attention when there's another adult there to pick up the slack. Obviously if it is just one night, then this is unlikely to make a difference, but - certainly if you're breast feeding - then there are times when you are just stuck sitting with the baby. Daddy coming home can promise all sorts of fun to DS1.

If needs be can he not just cancel on the night?

Read the op Amaried, op is due mid November and the events are throughout December- she could have a 2 week old, or a c-section, or an incredibly grumpy almost three year old. Op also says that one event is over night so not just a few hours. I think it would be perfectly reasonable to expect him to see how things are going and decide much nearer the time when the baby is safely here and you know how well you would cope.

I'm 30 weeks pregnant with our first so I won't even pretend that I know what it would be like with two (don't even know what one is like at the moment)! However, I'm encouraging DH to go to his Christmas do...I have support and I'm confident I can cope for one night on my own anyway. It won't be the first time and I'm sure I'll find my feet.

I think this is either a confidence thing or a jealousy issue - organise something fun for once the second little one is here and you'll have something to look forward to. I've got 9 months of nights out to get back and DH is fully aware I'm going to have them!!!

Oh and I'm due 29th November...

mum2Bomg I think with all due respect that you're missing the point. I'm sure you will cope being pregnant and on your own when your DH goes out but having two small children is chaos, it's exhausting and op is sensible to get her DH to hold off on confirming plans until they see how they're all doing once DC2 arrives. If she has a difficult birth or PND then it's a bit much for her DH to swan off on an all--nighter. If she's feeling fine and baby arrives without any complications then she can say yes.

DC2 clung to me for the entire first year of his life, DC1 was a very demanding toddler and I was in agony due to a complicated delivery. If DH had blithely assumed his social life just continued unchecked, he'd be under a patio have had to think again.

mum2Bomg, I only have one but can see possible potential problems. I had preeclampsia and my blood pressure didn't go down after giving birth. The blood pressure medication made me feel very ill and I didn't want to be on my own with DS when it was at its worst as I didn't feel it was safe. I could never have managed a toddler as well.

Maybe everything will be fine and the op will be pushing her dh out the door. But it's also possible she won't feel she can manage. Best not to make firm plans for trips away at this point.

YANBU. I'm in the same boat. Due mid-Oct and have a nearly 3-year-old. I'm fine with the Christmas party as it's local (and I'm a few weeks ahead of you) but I had to put my foot down with an optional work trip at the start of Nov - baby will be 2 weeks old at the most. As you said, you have no way if knowing how the baby will settle or how your toddler will respond. You could go weeks overdue. I've never said no to any trip or lads holiday before but this is a no no.

Also, what if you need a c section?? You won't be able to drive/lift your toddler etc for at least 6 weeks.

YANBU. You are me last year. My dd had awful colic and ds would play up at bed time if she was crying. Tell him how you feel, coping with two is hard in the beginning. Now if dh goes away /has a big night out, I tend to go and stay with my parents and they help out load with the dc and I get a bit of a night off because they share the load. It is much easier now however because dd is almost one and ds has matured enough to not act up for me most of the time.

Well, if it is literally just a couple of Christmas parties, I think YABU. Both parents should be allowed the odd night off. However, if you know this is just the start of him acting like a single man when he has a kid and expecting you to pick up the pieces after, then YANBU for addressing it now.

myownprivateidaho if we were talking next Christmas then I'd absolutely agree with you! So many potential moving parts with a new baby and a toddler though - it seems crazy to insist on committing to anything at this point. As a pp said, what if she has a C section and needs physical help with the toddler? Or mastitis? Or a jealous toddler? Or a non sleeping baby who constantly wakes the toddler and means that she is too tired to look after them both properly?

(To the OP - don't mean to alarm you here and fingers crossed you'll be fine. I was dreading the arrival of no 2...but in actual fact found it a lot easier than I had feared and was out and about with both of them a day and a half later. So please don't worry too much!)

Is this multiple parties that he is talking about?

Can't he choose one to attend? Especially as he is planning to go away in January to a stag do

The baby will be here by the time DH has his Christmas do.

If I'm ill I wouldn't expect him to leave me, (I wouldn't go on a night out if he was ill in hospital). I just think the OP is deciding now that she's pissed off because she doesn't have anything fun planned...just my opinion and I might be wrong.

Doubtful mum seeing as her posts don't come across like a 12 yr old!

stm don't read this link!

mum this thread might give you an idea as to why stm might be concerned about her DH being off out on the piss weeks after birth ... www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2739196-To-wish-Id-just-had-a-c-section

You are 100% not being unreasonable. Having a newborn and a toddler is a big adjustment. he's needs to be there to support you and to look after your toddler while you look after the baby.

A few hours away for a few sociables - fine. A night away - no way.

There'll always be next year.

Here the assumption would be that H would go unless we got a challenging baby and then he'd cancel near to the time.

I just think the OP is deciding now that she's pissed off because she doesn't have anything fun planned...just my opinion and I might be wrong

Tbh, that's how I read it too, especially when she said that she gets the shit end of the deal.

Its sad but we do get the shit end in many ways. Years of period pain until pregnancy, then vomiting and all the symptoms that go along with that before you give birth in incredible pain.

We do get the bad end of the deal, but spoiling his fun shouldn't make the OP feel any better, that's mean. If she's breastfeeding, she'll be a but stuck in for a bit, but after after, she's as free to have nights out as he is, both parents should have child free time. Just because she can't in the very early days doesn't mean he can't either IMO.

Realistically, if there are complications then he can cancel, but I think its better to work I the assumption of going, rather than the other way round.

Thanks for all the input everyone - it was really helpful. I was hoping to get an idea what was considered reasonable before speaking to him about it as I didn't want to go in all guns blazing when I was really just being hormonal etc.

Anyway, we had a good chat and he is in complete agreement with the 'let's see how it is at the time' philosophy. Feel loads better as I think I was more concerned about the assumption that a night away so soon after birth would be OK, rather than the actual night, if that makes any sense.

I'm sure I'll be fine if he does go and I have no intention of stopping him doing anything, I just wanted it to be a joint decision. He was mega sweet when I said I was worried and said he'll wait to commit to anything in December till we get a handle on how the baby is and to make sure I'm healed from the birth etc so am happy with that outcome.

Phew!

It's not spoiling his fun, it's asking him to step up to his responsibility, act like a grown up and accept that a few weeks after your second child is born you can't gallivant around acting as if nothing has changed.
Trust me, even if the poor lamb doesn't go out once for the first three months of the baby's life he still won't have sacrificed anywhere near what the OP has.
There are Christmas parties every year, there are not always opportunities to support someone you love at the most vulnerable time in their life.

Glad you're pleased OP, yes it is the assumption that is the worst part.

Glad you're feeling better about it now. It's just bad timing I guess, that so many social things happen to fall around Christmas when you'll have a baby a few weeks old. Perhaps you could ask DH to go out a bit later so he can help with bedtime routine before he leaves, and if he stays overnight make an agreement about him not coming back too late the next morning (and not in too hungover a state to be able to help you!)

It's natural to be apprehensive, but I'm sure you'll be fine. My DH had to work away quite a lot a week or so after DC2 was born, and I'd had a csection with some complications. I'm expecting DC3 in a few weeks too so will have 3 under 5s and think sometimes the fear of the unknown is worse than when they actually arrive.

Hope all goes well with the baby.