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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this isn't my responsibility?

54 replies

CrohnicallyAspie · 20/09/2016 06:44

My inlaws have recently started a diet and are full of the joys of how they can eat so much and they've already noticed their clothes are looser etc etc.

My DH is also overweight. I'm not.

My inlaws have repeatedly said to me that DH ought to try the diet, why don't I cook him this recipe, he needs to lose weight for health reasons.

Until I snapped at them 'I cook healthy meals, but if he chooses to fill up on crap after dinner then that's his choice and I can't stop him'

So AIBU to think it's not my responsibility for him to lose weight and if he wants to, he needs to a least add in a smidgen of willpower!

OP posts:

Gizlotsmum · 20/09/2016 06:47

Tricky actually. Who brings the crap food into the house? I think they probably had good intentions.

phillipp · 20/09/2016 06:47

Yanbu, it's not your responsibility.

Dh does all our cooking and my weight isn't his responsibility.

However, it's very difficult to speak to somebody about their weight. Perhaps it was a misguided attempt to help their son.

Not sure it was worth snapping at them for. A simple 'his weight is down to the choices he makes between meals, the meals we eat are already healthy. I can't control that.' Would have done.

AmeliaJack · 20/09/2016 06:47

In my experience people only lose weight when they are "in the zone" and really really want to. It sounds like your PILs are in that place and have become diet evangelists.

If your DH wants to commit to losing weight then it's nice to support him, but he had to want to do it - you can't do it for him.

Original poster

CrohnicallyAspie · 20/09/2016 06:59

gizlots whoever does the shopping buys the crap. We currently have a multipack of wagon wheels, some cake and a multipack of crisps in our 'crap' cupboard. I bought the crisps, DH bought the wagon wheels and cake. (Next you'll be telling me I need to do the shopping by myself like a good little wifey?)

I usually have no more than 2 items out of there in a day, more often it's one or zero. As does DD.

DH will quite frequently have eg a piece of cake, 2 bags of crisps and a wagon wheel as pudding after a healthy meal'.

We also have healthier snacks- mini cheeses, yogurts, fruit, nuts, cereal bars- and DH will have one of everything alongside 3 sandwiches (6 slices of bread!) as his lunch.

And you're right phillipp I shouldn't have snapped but after making non commital noises for most of the afternoon and then saying things like 'I have tried this recipe' 'I have a great diet book at home' I had had enough!

OP posts:

Original poster

CrohnicallyAspie · 20/09/2016 07:01

amelia yes, I'll support him all the way if he wants to lose weight!

OP posts:

SabineUndine · 20/09/2016 07:01

I'd tell them to take it up with your OH. He's an adult and you're not his mother!

HorridHenrietta2 · 20/09/2016 07:07

It isn't up to you, or them to control what an adult eats. Trying to do this can cause worse problems and a unhealthy food hiding habit. Accept him for who he is, continue to cook healthy meals and be ready to support him if he decides he wants to do something about his weight.

gobbin · 20/09/2016 07:10

Don't bring ANY crap into the house when you do the shopping, including snacks for DC (they aren't necessary). That'll halve what he has access to and you've done your bit. If it may work in your house, spend half hr a week menu planning / shopping planning together (take turns to do it online maybe). If I'm meal planning / online shopping I involve the rest of the house and ONLY buy for those meals.

BarbaraofSeville · 20/09/2016 07:16

No of course it is not your responsibility. He is an adult who is in charge of what goes in his mouth.

I bet it is also your fault if your DH goes to McDonalds for his work lunch instead of or as well as eating a nice salad packed by you?

ConvincingLiar · 20/09/2016 07:19

6 slices of bread? Does he have a very active job?

I don't think you should have to stop buying treats because he can't control himself.

CatNip2 · 20/09/2016 07:20

I have this issue only its my DM that makes the noises, I snap regularly, the rest of us aren't fat, I can't control what he eats in his car or when taking customers out your dinner, and I shouldn't have to.

YANBU

TheSparrowhawk · 20/09/2016 07:21

Of course it's your job to sort out what he eats! You're his wife, which everyone knows is a replacement mother for the many manbabies of the world.

RunningLulu · 20/09/2016 07:25

I think if he wants to lose weight and needs your support by not bringing crap into the house or cooking healthier meals, then fine. However he hasn't asked you his parents have so YANBU.

Sirzy · 20/09/2016 07:26

Even if the OP doesn't buy the snacks he is a grown man with access to money so if he wants to get things he can. I agree with that method when it comes to children but with adults it is pretty pointless.

For an adult to lose weight they have to really want it and they have to be able to control/moderate their food intake. Nobody can do it for you, and another adult telling you to do it and forcing the matter will often only push someone the opposite way!

Lilaclily · 20/09/2016 07:29

Oh op I hear you, I've had this crap about my dh for years
He eats healthily with me, but admits that he eats crap at work, staffroom full of biscuits, pork pies on the way home from tesco etc and yet both my parents and his think it's my fault
I ignore them all

TwoTwentyGowerRoad · 20/09/2016 07:29

You are not his mother or his conscience. You can't govern what he puts in his gob, why would you want that responsibility?

00100001 · 20/09/2016 07:32

Indeed it is entirely her DHs responsibility about what goes in his mouth. Even if they had a cupboard full of junk food, it would still be down to him to only have one slice of cake after dinner.

No one is making him three sandwiches and then forcing him to eat them. He is choosing to do that because it has become normal to him.

All OP can do is support him in his healthy choices. And she doees that already by providing healthy meals when she cooks.

TwoTwentyGowerRoad · 20/09/2016 07:33

The fact that they are expecting you to control his behaviour is telling. I would ask them why they raised him to abdicate responsibility for his behaviour onto another person? It's common for parents to see sons as being less capable of thought over this type of thing than their wives or girlfriends. A mindset that allows some men to believe that is true.

AyeAmarok · 20/09/2016 07:36

YANBU.

They should be telling him if they're concerned. You can't do it for him.

Saracen · 20/09/2016 07:36

"I think if he wants to lose weight and needs your support by not bringing crap into the house or cooking healthier meals, then fine. However he hasn't asked you his parents have so YANBU."

Totally agree. If he wanted to lose weight and he asked for your support with it, you should do what you reasonably can to help him. Of course it is ultimately up to him what he eats, but supportive partners can make a huge difference to success with changing bad habits.

But he didn't ask for your help, did he? Redirect the in-laws to him. Tell them you are happy to discuss with him any changes he wants to make, but he hasn't asked for any changes.

My MIL used to nag me to "make" dh quit smoking. I observed that she'd had him living in her house and smoking for eleven years before I got hold of him, and if she thought he was easy to fix then she should have fixed him herself when she had the opportunity.

Iamthinking · 20/09/2016 07:46

God, I used to get this sort of thing from everyone wrt my dp's smoking. It used to drive me mental as I was stressed about it at the time, without it being my responsibility to get him to stop too. Gah!!

Gizlotsmum · 20/09/2016 08:01

Actually I think it was a fair question ( never said why I asked did I? My hubby does all our food shopping so would never assume the 'wifey' should do it... but hey judge away ;) ) I am guilty of eating lots of crap but am aware that if it is in the house it tempts my hubby more than if it isn't there so although you aren't responsible for his weight it doesn't hurt to be supportive!

Froginapan · 20/09/2016 08:04

YANBU but unfortunately it still hasn't gotten through to many people that a woman in a relationship with a man is his partner/wife, not his mother.

MephistoMarley · 20/09/2016 08:08

Why should the op and the kids have zero snack food because the dh eats a lot? That's his lookout.

80sMum · 20/09/2016 08:12

YANBU OP. It's your DH's responsibility to monitor what he eats, not yours.

However, I agree that it's a good idea simply not to buy any junk food, cakes, sweets, ice cream etc so there is none in the house when anyone has an attack of the munchies.

I find that I can't be bothered to get in the car at 9.00pm and drive 3 miles to the shop to get chocolate or cake. But if the crap was in my kitchen cupboard, I would eat it!

Perhaps you and DH could jointly agree that neither of you will bring temptation into the house by buying junk food?

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