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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't my responsibility?

54 replies

CrohnicallyAspie · 20/09/2016 06:44

My inlaws have recently started a diet and are full of the joys of how they can eat so much and they've already noticed their clothes are looser etc etc.

My DH is also overweight. I'm not.

My inlaws have repeatedly said to me that DH ought to try the diet, why don't I cook him this recipe, he needs to lose weight for health reasons.

Until I snapped at them 'I cook healthy meals, but if he chooses to fill up on crap after dinner then that's his choice and I can't stop him'

So AIBU to think it's not my responsibility for him to lose weight and if he wants to, he needs to a least add in a smidgen of willpower!

OP posts:
PovertyPain · 20/09/2016 08:25

Aye you should ask them why they allowed him develop such a liking for junk food, in the first place. After all thay are the one that brought him up and are the ones on a diet. "Is it a family problem?" With a concerned smile, of course. Wink

PovertyPain · 20/09/2016 08:25

Maybe, not Aye.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 20/09/2016 08:43

I think if he wants to lose weight and needs your support by not bringing crap into the house or cooking healthier meals

He doesn't have to eat the crap.

The OP said she cooks healthy meals but that he stocks up on the crap afterwards.

He buys crap too.

She is not responsible for his weight.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 20/09/2016 09:09

You're not 'responsible' for his weight. He is an adult. It's not actually clear to me what discussions you and your DH have had about this. They are the conversations that are important, not what your PILs are saying.
Has your DH asked you to agree as a family not to bulk buy snacks?
If he has, then I would expect you to be supportive. If he hasn't, then keep stocking up your snack cupboard.

Original poster
CrohnicallyAspie · 20/09/2016 14:15

Nope, he hasn't asked me to stop buying crap (as I said, he puts more stuff in the trolley when he does the shopping than I do). I keep crisps in the cupboard because they are handy to stick in my bag for emergency snacks (I can literally leave them in the bag for weeks, so fruit gets squashed, cereal bars turn to crumbs, at least crushed crisps are still edible). But that's the only crap I buy on a regular basis.

We haven't had many discussions over his weight. There have been a couple of occasions when he has said he wants to lose weight (eg after buying clothes and realising he's gone up a size) and I have said if that's what he wants I'll support him. But he never follows through, and will buy crap to eat at work instead (and no, he doesn't have a particularly active job, he won't eat breakfast before work so has a huge lunch).

When I developed gestational diabetes with DD, I went on a low carb/high protein diet. He agreed to support me by following the diet for his 'home' meals- but would then eat slice after slice of bread after his dinner!

OP posts:
Original poster
CrohnicallyAspie · 20/09/2016 14:21

gobbin if I do the meal planning thing and only have those ingredients in the house, he will often turn his nose up at whatever meal I have planned for that night, and go and buy himself a takeaway!

(And I beg to differ on snacks not being necessary- you haven't met my DD! She's 3 and if she's not fed regularly she gets 'hangry'. However, she isn't overweight because she stops when she's full, and I make sure she has a balance of 3 meals and mostly healthy snacks in between)

OP posts:
BasinHaircut · 20/09/2016 14:31

Your DH sounds like mine. His parents don't expect me to sort him out though. I would have bitten thier heads off too.

My MIL does however expect ME to thank her if she irons DH's shirts.

SpookyPotato · 20/09/2016 17:13

YANBU at all, no-one is responsible for another adults food intake. There will always be times he is alone, has money and can eat whatever crap he wants. It really has to come from him..
Maybe they were telling you as they don't want to offend him but they shouldn't have gone on at you like you're in control of his eating. Maybe your inlaws do control what each other eats- we were in aldi last week and there was an old couple near us.. The man said a few times how he wants a certain different things and he'd pick them up to put in the trolley, and the woman kept saying "No put it back, you're not having that" and he dutifully did! We wanted to say "let the poor bloke have what he wants!" Grin

Arfarfanarf · 20/09/2016 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 20/09/2016 18:00

Friend of mine had this often re her overweight husband. 'You really shouldn't let him eat X and y...'

WTF was she supposed to do? He used to go to Asda and buy loads of crap himself.

MissingPanda · 20/09/2016 18:15

YANBU you're his wife not his mother.

I don't see why the rest of you should do without the occasional snack because he can't control himself especially as it sounds as if even if you didn't buy any unhealthy snacks to keep in the house he would still buy them himself.

I'm terrible for wanting to eat stuff like crisps/chocolate/cake when I know they're in the house but even I can restrain myself from doing so by reminding myself that any of that stuff that is in the house belongs to my DC.

expatinscotland · 20/09/2016 18:27

YANBU.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 20/09/2016 18:32

YANBU

Do they think you've got plans to make foie gras with him?

HelenaDove · 20/09/2016 18:41

DH often has cake swiss roll chocolate in the flat but i dont touch it.

I want to keep off the weight that ive lost and he had things like that and jaffa cakes and wagon wheels in the flat while i was losing weight too.

Ultimately it is the responsibility of the individual themselves.

Original poster
CrohnicallyAspie · 20/09/2016 19:48

I can't even remember what they said when I snapped, I think it was just something like 'spose so', we were clearing dinner plates away at the time so I just took a pile of stuff away and didn't really listen!

I think Inlaws are a bit more set in their ways, they think a woman should keep the house/children and the man should earn the money. FIL doesn't do the weekly shop and only cooks if it's a barbecue or an emergency (eg MIL ill).

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 20/09/2016 20:07

They cant expect you to lose the weight for him. Thats like expecting you to go to the toilet for him.

user1471462290 · 20/09/2016 20:08

I totally disagree with the fact you shouldn't bring "crap" food into the house, he needs to learn to say no and only eat one waggon wheel!

It should be about him learning to pick the healthier option not denying it all, no foodis bad food. Food is food it's learning limits

100 bananas would be bad for you just as a 100 Waggon wheels would be

If you stopped buying the junk he would probably eat it out of the house

It's not up to you OP it's up to him

Cherrysoup · 20/09/2016 22:16

Why should the op and the kids have zero snack food because the dh eats a lot? That's his lookout.

Totally. I've just given my DH 'my' piece of cheesecake because I'm dieting. No-one is forcing me to eat it, I had to make that decision. I fail to see why the OP and her DD should miss out because her DH has an issue with overeating.

BasinHaircut · 21/09/2016 10:39

I slightly disagree with cherry. My DH cannot eat 1 or 2 biscuits, he will eat the entire packet. The upshot of that is that we don't have biscuits in the house. Me and DS do therefore miss out to a degree, but if I bought them we wouldn't get a look in anyway! But on a serious note, I don't want to encourage the bad habits, so not buying them helps.

someonestolemynick · 21/09/2016 11:22

I'm a bit Hmm at the posters suggesting the OK should stop buying snack foods.

  1. It doesn't look like the DH wants to lose weight.
  2. He is involved in the shopping anyway. Is the OP supposed to slap any junk food out of his hands?
  3. It's not the OPs responsibility.
  4. If the OP went ahead and started to manage her DH's diet he's be within his rights to call her "controlling". (Disclaimer: I do not think OP is controlling - far from it).
Seeyouontheotherside · 21/09/2016 11:28

He should take better care of his health, he's damaging his body, raising his risk of diabetes, heart disease, stroke and cancer, by the time he eats himself into serious illness it'll be too late to reverse the consequences.

You both have a responsibility to set a good example to your child, raise her healthily and to be healthy for her. She shouldn't be eating junk everyday even if her meals are healthy. Most three year old's don't show the effects of being fed crap unless chronically overfed but by the time they're 11/12 it's obvious. Most kids who are given junk daily will be fat teenagers.

ArcheryAnnie · 21/09/2016 11:36

Buy what you want, and cook what you want, OP. It isn't your responsibility to control your DH's eating - and indeed, if you tried, it would make things worse. I don't think in the history of the world a partner trying to get an unwilling spouse to lose weight has ever succeeded, and it causes a lot of hurt along the way.

Your DH is a grown man, something you recognise but that his parents, as well-meaning as they are, seem to have forgotten. It's fine for you to have waggon wheels in the house, as if they weren't there, your DH could just go and buy them anyway.

ChiefClerkDrumknott · 21/09/2016 11:38

Why should the op and the kids have zero snack food because the dh eats a lot? That's his lookout.

This, exactly. He's a grown man and responsible for himself

BasinHaircut · 21/09/2016 12:01

To clarify, I'm not suggesting that the OP stop buying snacks, but rather that it isn't strictly true to say that what you do or don't do doesn't have an impact on the eating habits of the people that you live with, and sometimes the impact of I.e. Not buying biscuits (for me) is not something that bothers me much but if I did buy them I would feel like I was encouraging DH to eat them.

I also don't want DS to grow up watching his father eat entire packets of biscuits or see unhealthy behaviours as normal. I'm not 'controlling' DH, because he is perfectly able to buy his own junk food (and I'm sure he does, in secret), but I just won't buy it for him because I know he is incapable of self-regulation

IceRoadDucker · 21/09/2016 12:30

Oh god. Evangelical runners and dieters = the dullest people in existence.

YANBU.