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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A we BI to sleep separately

72 replies

Bellyrub1980 · 22/08/2016 00:52

Me and my DP have started seperately most nights. We have a spare room with a double bed. It started when my DP worked nights for about 6 months. We got used to it I guess and so before important days at work or on nights when we really need a good sleep we sleep seperately.

Then, over the winter I had really bad flu and have snored ever since. Since my snoring started (bit weird to suddenly start snoring I know! But true) we sleep apart consistently during the week. We sleep together at the weekends. Sometimes seperating in the middle of the night to sleep properly.

We sleep so much better separately. Ultimately we are happier and have more energy. This means we enjoy our awake time together so much more.

But part of me worries that the lack of close proximity at night will eventually have an impact on our relationship.

And is it a bad example to our daughter?

So I would love to hear from some other happy couples who also sleep seperarely

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellyrub1980 · 22/08/2016 00:53

Dammit, typo in the title...

A we BU

OP posts:
NapQueen · 22/08/2016 00:57

We don't but we don't have space to even if we wanted to.

I'd bloody love it! I'd have my own room to keep as I see fit, and no doubt would sleep better.

But I do like snuggling in, just not for long.

My DM would totally judge as she can't sleep if my dad isn't there and thinks it's weird we don't do everything together when we can.

Somerville · 22/08/2016 00:59

It doesn't affect anyone but the two of you, so I can't see how you could possibly be being unreasonable.

For me I think sharing a bed when I'm in a long term relationship results in more intimacy - both sex and cuddles. But I'm sure there are ways to make other space and time for those things.

Icallbullshit3 · 22/08/2016 01:02

I've realised for the past month ( I started working nights) just how bad quality my sleep is when I sleep with my OH who snores like a fog horn.

When I sleep in the day and he's not there I always wake up feeling much fresher than the nights I'm here and we share the bed.

If we had a spare room i would totally consider it. Its the snoring. It completely does me in.

gleegeek · 22/08/2016 01:06

Oh god the snoring! I'm tempted by a room of my own but like you OP worry it would be the beginning of the end...

DramaAlpaca · 22/08/2016 01:09

DH & I sleep in separate rooms much of the time. I'm so grateful we have the space as we wake each other up by snoring and neither of us sleep well if we share. Plus he's an early bird & I'm a night owl. We do have visiting rights though Wink. It's worked for us for years, and I don't think it's a bad example to our DC.

Cherrysoup · 22/08/2016 01:13

Do it. I got into the habit after a lengthy hospital stay and being paranoid about my DH accidentally kicking my injury site. He works shifts and I sleep lots better when he's not there. You can still have the intimacy/sex.

sallysparrow157 · 22/08/2016 01:14

We both have trouble sleeping at times and I know he'd prefer his own bed, we don't have a spare room at the minute though. Strangely, I can't sleep properly if I know he's still up, so if I'm in bed and he's up late watching tv/gaming/drinking wine/reading I won't sleep properly, but then he will come to bed and because I've been restless due to him being up, I generally end up getting up and going to sleep on the sofa! (Which is actually more comfortable than the bed, it's not like I'm suffering here!!). So it's not being alone that makes me unable to sleep, it's the awareness that he's awake!

GraceandFlavour · 22/08/2016 01:19

Of the people I know who sleep in separate beds... It has only strengthened their relationships. If sleeping together causes disturbance, then it can be so detrimental to a relationship. Getting decent sleep is more beneficial and as Cherrysoup says, it doesn't stop sex or intimacy.

nursepearl · 22/08/2016 04:13

I think it would make your marriage last longer! I love sleeping alone as husband is loud, hot and sweaty. He works away a few nights a week and I would prefer separate rooms with the odd nightly visit! Carry on I say.

Ememem84 · 22/08/2016 06:24

We do occasionally - i have issues with sleep sometimes and find i sleep better if I'm not disturbed.

If one of us is ill we sleep separately too. It means a good sleep for us both.

nap my dms the same. She judges that we have separate hobbies and wouldn't dream of even sleeping in a different room to df

user1471552005 · 22/08/2016 06:33

OH and I have separate bedrooms. Work patterns and sleep habits means things work out better this way.
I am an early to bed and I like getting up early, he seems to need a lot less sleep than me. We share the same bed at weekends and have plenty time for intimacy.
I love starfishing alone in my big double bed.

Ledkr · 22/08/2016 06:40

I'm actually considering this as dh has started getting up twice a night for a wee and it's driving me mental.
I'm not a deep sleeper so it wakes me every time and his second wee is generally about 6 and I can't get back to sleep after.
I've already decided he's going in the spare room tonight as I'm knackered.

GinIsIn · 22/08/2016 06:41

As I type, I am hemmed into a tiny corner of the bed by my snoring starfish of a DH & 2 dogs. I am jealous and you are not BU at all!!

confusedandemployed · 22/08/2016 06:41

We slept apart last night and often do. I absolutely love it and so does DH I think. I'm wondering whether to bring it up myself actually...

foxychox · 22/08/2016 06:43

You're not alone www.telegraph.co.uk/men/relationships/11837028/Thank-goodness-for-snoring-rooms-the-saviour-of-marriage.html

I think this is a selling point for some houses now!!

IDismyname · 22/08/2016 06:58

I decamp to our spare room regularly. Sometimes before we go to bed, and sometimes during the night. I think we both sleep better apart.

Doesn't stop the sex Wink

Idefix · 22/08/2016 07:04

I don't think separate rooms is a big thing op not if you are both happy with that.
I do think you should your snoring checked out, it may be very easy to resolve and improved the quality of your sleep further.

waitingforsomething · 22/08/2016 07:12

I find it hard to sleep without my DH in the same bed but we do have a massive bed because we like our space while we're actually sleeping (don't like to cuddle to sleep). I think it's just because we're used to it and we like to chat till we nod off! We separate in cases of one of us being too unwell to sleep well, or if one of the children are ill one of us will bunk in with sick child while the other gets some decent sleep.

To me it's unusual but if you're happy and still being intimate at other times then I can't see that it is unreasonable.

BoomBoomsCousin · 22/08/2016 07:14

We've been sleeping separately for 4 - 5 years. At first it made things so much better because we weren't both sleep deprived all the time. It's hard to have a good relationship when every day feels like wading through treacle. But we have lost intimacy, we have sex a lot less and sometimes it feels like we're more like good room mates than a couple. I'm not sure there was an alternative though - we couldn't have kept going the way we were.

MermaidTears · 22/08/2016 07:18

I've had my own room for about four years.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 22/08/2016 07:23

We've had separate bedrooms for years, works v well for us. We always start the night in the same bed and sometimes drift off together but then one of us will wake up and transfer to own room to get back to sleep. During the week we get up at different times but at the weekend we'll get back into bed together for cuddles and whatnot in the morning. I love it as I get good quality sleep plus lots of time for intimacy.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 22/08/2016 07:25

DP has been on night shift for the last three nights. I miss him. Sad Not before I fall asleep because I get to choose what is on the telly but I hate him not being there while I sleep. Neither of us are loud snorers though and as soon as I'm asleep, I'm out cold.

Moonraker37 · 22/08/2016 07:30

Yes, seperate rooms for us and only been married five years. Started when kids were young when we took turns to see to them in the night. We just prefer it. He snores, I move a lot in my sleep and am a light sleeper. I do think our sex life has suffered though. But I still prefer my own bed.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 22/08/2016 07:42

I would love to sleep in separate beds