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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A we BI to sleep separately

72 replies

Bellyrub1980 · 22/08/2016 00:52

Me and my DP have started seperately most nights. We have a spare room with a double bed. It started when my DP worked nights for about 6 months. We got used to it I guess and so before important days at work or on nights when we really need a good sleep we sleep seperately.

Then, over the winter I had really bad flu and have snored ever since. Since my snoring started (bit weird to suddenly start snoring I know! But true) we sleep apart consistently during the week. We sleep together at the weekends. Sometimes seperating in the middle of the night to sleep properly.

We sleep so much better separately. Ultimately we are happier and have more energy. This means we enjoy our awake time together so much more.

But part of me worries that the lack of close proximity at night will eventually have an impact on our relationship.

And is it a bad example to our daughter?

So I would love to hear from some other happy couples who also sleep seperarely

OP posts:
Ragwort · 22/08/2016 07:43

We also sleep separately, I find it incredibly difficult to sleep with someone else in the same room, occasionally if we do have to go away we have to share (but take an air bed so one of us is on the floor Grin) - I honestly don't know how people can sleep in the same bed as someone else. We've been married nearly 30 years Grin.

A good night's sleep is very, very important.

cornishglos · 22/08/2016 07:46

I love my own space. I wish my dh were up for this.

Original poster
Bellyrub1980 · 22/08/2016 09:17

I'm amazed at how many other couples sleep seperarely! It's good to hear we aren't the only ones.

Idefix would I just go to the GP? I just figured the flu left me with some flappy bit of sinus. I've tried all the sprays and foams (vile... Puke!!) and they don't work terribly well.

Our intimacy has been effected in as much as it isn't as frequent or spontaneous. But I think both of us would place sleeping well above that anyway......! Both of us suffer from anxiety so lack of sleep really exacerbates that.

OP posts:
ginghamstarfish · 22/08/2016 16:06

I think if you have the space it's great, both of you can have a decent night's sleep, and as other pps have said, it doesn't have to mean there's no intimacy.

clam · 22/08/2016 16:20

We've been married just over 21 years and have been sleeping separately for about half of that time.
So no, not the beginning of the end. A life-saver, if you ask me.

Ragwort · 23/08/2016 07:32

I love my own space. I wish my dh were up for this.

How depressing in that your DH doesn't 'allow' you to sleep separately - although perhaps I am equally controlling in that I wouldn't 'allow' my DH to share my bed Grin.

icy121 · 23/08/2016 07:40

Ledkr get your DH to doc for checkup - sudden extra night peeing can be a sign of a dicky prostate.

JennyBunn · 23/08/2016 07:46

My parents had a really happy marriage right up until my dad died.

My mum has sinus problems so snores. My dad used to get severe migraines and TIAs and being really tired was the trigger. They began to sleep separately and it benefitted their marriage.

BestZebbie · 23/08/2016 09:11

By default we share a bed (individual duvets though!), but maybe 1-2 times a fortnight one of us will sleep in the spare bed for all or part of the night. Usual reasons are waking and unable to get back to sleep, coming to bed especially late, feeling ill (headache etc).

LemonScentedStickyBat · 23/08/2016 09:37

I'd much prefer to sleep separately during the week just because we are on different schedules - I like to read late into the night, get up a bit later, etc. But DP would hate it and I am happy to compromise for the time being - sorting out the spare room would be a big job anyway.

Arfarfanarf · 23/08/2016 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Writerwannabe83 · 23/08/2016 10:32

Me and my DH sleep separately and it's brilliant. He snores, he wriggles and in general I just found it hard to sleep when he was next to me. He also liked to watch the TV/iPad in bed whereas I just wanted to go to sleep.

We've had separate rooms for about a year now and I sleep so much better than I ever did. I work long shifts and so a good sleep is really important for me.

Our sex life is still absolutely fine Grin

PickleSarnie · 23/08/2016 10:47

I really don't see why it's taken as such a given that you share a bed with your partner. I don't really miss any intimacy by not sharing a bed with my husband. The days of being able to spend lazy mornings in bed are long gone thanks to two small sleep thieves that wake at stupid o'clock. We're both so knackered that my DH would be snoring by the time I'd finished cleaning my teeth.

The snoring. The bloody snoring. I hate noise. And I don't sleep well. I'd get constantly woken by the snoring which meant I'd have to get up to wee, which woke my husband up and this would continue on a constant loop throughout the night.

Now we sleep in separate rooms, I actually sleep through without waking for the first time in years. It's brilliant.

And he's only next door, not the other end of the country. It doesn't take a lot of effort to fit sex in!

It does have it's downsides when you go on holiday. You either need to get an extra room or suck it up. But sleep isn't ever quite so important when you're not having to survive a day a work.

SistersOfPercy · 23/08/2016 11:52

YANBU at all

My Mother is horrified that DH and I often sleep apart. He can snore like an angry pig sometimes. We had a spare room so if he was especially tired (thats when he snored the most) he'd sleep in there from the start so as to avoid the 2am wander to the spare room clutching his pillows Grin

It worked wonderfully for us, we both got a good nights sleep. We'd go to bed, watch TV for an hour together then he'd go off to the spare room, if it was a weekend he'd then jump in bed with me in the morning.
Only DS moved back home and the spare room is no more sadly.
At that point he bought a camp bed and will set that up in the dining room if he's especially bad.

Sometimes you need it for your own sanity.

Kione · 23/08/2016 12:12

We sleep in separate beds a lot. When I have a bout of back pain, when DP is going to get up early, when one of us goes out (drinking=snoring).
My DD knows the reasons and she is absolutely fine. In fact she loves when one of us goes out because she gets to sleep with the one staying in. I started this tradition as I hate DP waking me up when he comes back, so I want to close door and use earplugs but then worry I wouldn't hear DD if she was sick or something. So I put her in my bed and bunker ourselves. She loves it and she knows its because of noises/snoring etc. Not a problem at all.

Happyhippy45 · 23/08/2016 21:17

When I was younger I would never have considered it and would miss the cuddles. After 20 odd years together of him snoring, farting, stealing the covers and me thrashing about or waking up super early and waking him up when I get up its much easier on occasions to sleep in separate rooms.
I go up at the weekend no pressure to have sex

Kanga59 · 23/08/2016 21:23

We sleep separately. I sleep soooo much better on my own and love all the space. Have been doing this for a few month now (hubs gets up at 4am for work and disturbs me, which is why we started it) but I'm starting to miss him now. Plus my son said the other day "daddy doesn't sleep in your room anymore" and I felt bad.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 23/08/2016 21:26

We have a super king bed with 2 single duvets and a spare room if any one needs to escapeGrin

Judydreamsofhorses · 23/08/2016 21:26

We quite often sleep separately Sunday to Thursday - like others if one of us has the cold or whatever, and also because my DP is a terrible snorer, so if there have been a couple of bad nights he goes to the spare room and I get a decent sleep. Friday and Saturday nights are sacred though, plus long lies and bacon sandwiches in the mornings!

MsRinky · 23/08/2016 21:28

We sleep separately about 3 nights a week, as we are both snorers and restless sleepers. Getting a house with a spare bedroom and room for another permanently made up bed was brilliant for our marriage. We've been together 24 years, so it it seems to be going OK.

Cockadoodledooo · 23/08/2016 21:32

Years ago visiting a National Trust property the guide showed us the 'his and hers' bedrooms. Apparently it was once the done thing to 'share a roof but not a ceiling' as the secret to a happy marriage. I wish we had the space!

Titflaps · 23/08/2016 21:35

I love a cheeky night on the sofa to escape dh's incessant snoring and twitching. Yadnbu.

Hassled · 23/08/2016 21:35

DH and I would have split up years ago if we didn't have separate rooms. The sleep deprivation from his snoring was making me murderous and it was impacting everything. So it's had the opposite effect to that feared - we just wouldn't have lasted without me getting some decent quality sleep.

PunkrockerGirl · 23/08/2016 21:38

Yanbu. I'm a real insomniac. Dh claims he's a bad sleeper but believe me he's not Grin
Dc are both leaving home in the next few weeks which I'm sad about, but at least I'll be able to decamp into one of their rooms to read, without disturbing dh's so called "bad sleep".

magimedi · 23/08/2016 21:44

After 31 year of the same bed DH & I decided to sleep apart just last week.

It's wonderful! Great sleep & each of us is so much better for it.

The one who awakens first gives the other the surprise of popping into their bed!