Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

A we BI to sleep separately

72 replies

Bellyrub1980 · 22/08/2016 00:52

Me and my DP have started seperately most nights. We have a spare room with a double bed. It started when my DP worked nights for about 6 months. We got used to it I guess and so before important days at work or on nights when we really need a good sleep we sleep seperately.

Then, over the winter I had really bad flu and have snored ever since. Since my snoring started (bit weird to suddenly start snoring I know! But true) we sleep apart consistently during the week. We sleep together at the weekends. Sometimes seperating in the middle of the night to sleep properly.

We sleep so much better separately. Ultimately we are happier and have more energy. This means we enjoy our awake time together so much more.

But part of me worries that the lack of close proximity at night will eventually have an impact on our relationship.

And is it a bad example to our daughter?

So I would love to hear from some other happy couples who also sleep seperarely

OP posts:

PovertyPain · 23/08/2016 21:45

When my husband took ill, we ordered fancy electric beds. They were right bedside each other and we had a super kingsize quilt over the two. My husband said he wished we'd done it years ago as he slept so much better, as did I. He and I would have restless legs and would waken each other up, so it was defiantly a benefit. The snoring on the other hand, well we were still close enough to prod each other. :-)

GrassW1dow · 23/08/2016 21:45

DH and I sleep in separate house for half the week......

GrassW1dow · 23/08/2016 21:45

houses

Letustryagain · 23/08/2016 21:46

I've just mentioned this thread to DH who still doesn't believe it. We've been sleeping separately for just over a year and even though we're still together, as far as he's concerned it means that our marriage is crap and he's removed his wedding ring. But it got to the stage where I couldn't sleep at all and was so miserable. He would prefer me to be miserable and in the same bed than sleep in another room. He keeps telling me to try earplugs but they just make my ears sore and why the bloody hell should I? Hey ho...

MaddyHatter · 23/08/2016 21:48

i would love to sleep apart..

If he's not snoring a la the Bonzo Dog Doo-dah band in full swing, he's suffering from sleep apnoea and the whole bed is jolting every time he takes a breath.. he also farts, burps, goes potty several times a night and is a duvet hog.. he also has restless leg.

My sleep is further disturbed by the fact DS is autistic and up and down all night.

The above means any attempts at nocturnal nookie are greeted with me telling him to fuck off as waking me up for anything other than DS being up or the house being on fire is a swift way to me threatening to kill someone...

We tend to take a couple of hours after the kids have been put to bed to have a cuddle and a chat in our bed, so any slap and tickle happens then, not at night time! Separate sleeping rooms would have no impact, other than me getting more sleep!

SeenYourArse · 23/08/2016 21:50

My DH and I slept seperately for about a month when our LO was 2 weeks old as he went back to work after his 2 week PL ended and couldn't cope with the broken sleep a 2 week old baby gives when he was up early for work. Since LO is sleeping a bit better now he's back in our room and we've found our rhythm somewhat. I don't sleep as well when he's not there (although the exhaustion of a newborn sorted that issue out!) so we have better sleep quality together for sure,I struggle to drop off if he's not there. That said my mum sleeps very lightly due mostly to taking long term medication post breast cancer so her and my DF have slept mostly seperately for the last 10 years and it's done their 32 year long marriage no harm whatsoever.

GrassW1dow · 23/08/2016 21:50

Houses that are only about 5 miles away from each other!

Farfromtheusual · 23/08/2016 21:50

OP, my grandparents slept separately and were married for 60 years! Me and DP sleep so much better apart and will do so on the odd occasion of he is snoring really badly (usually after drinking a lot) or if one of us has to be up very early the next day.. I think I'd miss him if it were every night but each to their own!!

tootsietoo · 23/08/2016 21:51

Letustryagain, that is just ridiculous, can he not understand that it's just about sleeping well and nothing else?

We do it regularly. Since the children were born we've gone through phases of months where I've slept in the spare room. It started after DD2 when I coslept with her in the double spare bed for about 6 weeks, then I had terrible sleep for years and would often go to the spare room to sleep. Now everything's much better, but if I don't get to sleep before him the snoring then stops me from getting to sleep so I go into the spare room (although unfortunately DD1 has also decided she likes the spare bed so has moved in, and if I want a different bed I have to sleep in her single! It's musical beds at ours )

Middleoftheroad · 23/08/2016 21:55

We do, due to my insomnia and his stress. Just me in my superking. I let him.back in of a weekend sometimes, but we wake each other again. Been doing this for couple of yrs and completely used to it now.

Judydreamsofhorses · 23/08/2016 21:55

Letustryagain, I wear earplugs and DP still wakes me with his snoring!

GabsAlot · 23/08/2016 22:03

we do this ever since i started snoring -like he doenst lol

anyway we both get good sleeps now

TriJo · 23/08/2016 22:06

We've had separate rooms since we moved in - hubby has a sleep disorder and we both sleep better apart. Now that we have a kid it's me and the little guy in one room and him in the other. We'll probably look at moving to a 3 bed when DS gets to around 2-3 years old.

Chapsy · 23/08/2016 22:21

Those of you who say it doesn't affect intimacy and sex - so when do you do it and do you then have to pre-arrange to have sex. I think if I slept separately I wouldn't ever have sex as it is only being I the same bed that makes it happen.

I would love to sleep separately though ...

user1471552005 · 23/08/2016 22:23

We usually only sleep in the same rooms at weekends. There are visits either way, but during the week don't tend to end up with a full night in the same bed.

Marymoosmum14 · 23/08/2016 22:24

Me and my DP sleep separately. I started when I was pregnant, he had a really bad cold that left scar tissue in his nasal passage and he started snoring, I don't sleep too well at the best of times, so we started to sleep separately and it has just carried on. Everytime we would try and sleep together again either he would snore, keeping me up all night or it would go well and one of us will become ill causing us to sleep apart again.
I worry the same as you, especially as I do like my own company and like to sleep on my own. When he comes to bed and doesn't snore I sleep really well and I like him being so close, but when he does snore I want to kill him.

DrWhy · 23/08/2016 22:48

Circumstances are slightly unusual in that in currently 37 weeks pregnant but for the last month or so I've been spending more time in the spare room. It started because the mattress in there is firmer and gives me less hip pain but also means I don't wake him up with endless loo trips and thrashing about like a beached whale every time I turn over and he doesn't wake me by coming to bed later and getting up earlier.
Sometimes I start off in our bed and when I get too hot or too grumpy that he's alseep and I'm not (poor guy doesn't even snore, just sounds alseep!). Sometimes I start off in the spare room and if he's not out early for work I'll creep back in for morning snuggles.
If anything our sex life has improved because I'm not so tired and also because I have to take the initiative sometimes, which I prefer. He knows if I encourage him to bed early with me or sneak in early and pounce then I'm in the mood. We've also found sex outside the bedroom happening more again (easier before the arrival of the baby so might as well make the most of it!).
I suspect we'll keep the sleeping separately option from time to time at least once the baby is here and he's back at work as a PP said.

Silvercatowner · 23/08/2016 22:56

I'm currently in a different room to OH, having just cuddled and snuggled together in the same bed - he is now asleep and snoring (I can hear him through the wall....). 30 years and counting - it works for us.

Writerwannabe83 · 23/08/2016 23:16

Those of you who say it doesn't affect intimacy and sex - so when do you do it and do you then have to pre-arrange to have sex.

When DS has gone to bed me and DH go into 'his room' where we watch TV, chat, catch up etc and then maybe 3 times a week we tend to have sex. I typically stay with him in the room until about 11pm and then I go off to my own room. Our bedrooms are even on separate floors to each other so I am completely oblivious to his snoring

Loveday26 · 23/08/2016 23:16

My dp and I live in totally different houses about 10 minutes drive away from each other. We just couldn't live in the same house, tried twice but ended in disaster (he has asd). So same house but separate beds seems like a good idea to me haha. If everyone sleeps better but you still make quality time for you both to enjoy surely it can only be a good thing???

AgentPineapple · 24/08/2016 08:52

I hate going to sleep without my DH, he snores terribly and it does keep me up or wake me sometimes but I still wouldn't have it any other way, I'd rather have a crap nights sleep with him than a good nights sleep without him. That being said I don't often have a crap nights sleep because of DH. Mostly I am up with my twin babies through the night! Everyone is different and you have to do what suits you, I don't think it's a bad example to your daughter although as she gets older she might question it when she finds out from her pals that it's not the norm as she thought (or maybe it is!)

Obliviated · 24/08/2016 09:09

I would hate to share a bed with DP. He snores really badly and sweats, leaves hairs on the sheets, and it's just to got. I much prefer the privacy of having my own room. I don't even like him coming in it! He sleeps on the sofa. Some people will think that's unfair, but he has the choice to see the GP and get his snoring sorted - it's really bad, plus he has sleep apnea and grunts and shudders with it. I shouldn't have to suffer because he won't seek medical help so the sofa it is for him.

Flip

1 2 3