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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm so mad but I know ibu

52 replies

Pippa12 · 20/08/2016 23:43

DH went to out today with distant friends, I'm at home with 4&2 yr old and a 5 month baby. He left at 10am and said he would let me know what train he was catching home. Wouldnt be late as working early. Then radio silence, all day. 3 friendly msgs and then 3 phone calls unanswered. Upset kids as they wanted to see/speak to Dad before bedtime. Text DH bf's wife and found out train times. Eventually he rang, told me he was catching the train now, what my problem? He said he'd ring with train time and he was telling me he's catching it now. A few crossed words but eventually fine. Not returned still- he's got train home and now in local. I know he's a grown man and I'm normally laid back but I'm furious! He has a history of disappearing off the radar. This is mild but I'm so angry!!!

OP posts:
PlaymobilPirate · 20/08/2016 23:50

Depends whether he's out every weekend or whether this was a rare night out.

I went out for a few drinks after work on Wednesday- I'd just sat down with my first drink and Dh rang for a chat whilst he drove home... I told him 'love you darling but I'm out - I rarely come out, so unless you or ds NEED me then get off the bloody phone'

I'd be a bit pissed off with multiple messages and phone calls from him if it was a rare night out

hownottofuckup · 20/08/2016 23:52

It takes seconds to fire off a quick text, if you want to. One quick text = no follow up calls.
Would piss me right off tbh.

Lilacpink40 · 20/08/2016 23:53

He said he wouldn't be late. What does he call late?

paddlingpool · 20/08/2016 23:53

It depends on the extent of his history of going off the radar is.

Original poster
Pippa12 · 20/08/2016 23:56

He probably goes out once a fortnight. I don't have a issue with him going out, it's just this silence. I absolutely hate going out with people who sit all night on their phones. It's just because he told me at 10am he'd let me know what train he was catching. I know ibu, it just drives me mad. He has a history of accidents (big ones- like getting run over!) And isn't known for handling his drink well. Truth be told I think it's all consuming anxiety regarding that. We both enjoy a good social life separately, but today has touched a nerve.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 20/08/2016 23:56

What time was the train he caught?

Original poster
Pippa12 · 20/08/2016 23:58

I wonder what is late when you leave the house at 10am? Do other husbands text to check on babies/wives? Doesn't help the lads wife he was out with knew all the details and I looked like a idiot x

OP posts:
Original poster
Pippa12 · 21/08/2016 00:00

He caught the train at 10. Still not home

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 21/08/2016 00:01

I'd be furious, 10 am till now is a bloody long day for you with 3 kids

fabulousfun · 21/08/2016 00:02

Yes, he is being selfish. However, I think you should go to bed rather than confronting him when he gets in. That won't end well if he's been drinking.

idontlikealdi · 21/08/2016 00:04

How long does the train take?

PointlessUsername · 21/08/2016 00:05

Wouldn't have hurt him to send a text

IJustAteTheKidsFoodAgain · 21/08/2016 00:13

I think it's common courtesy to let someone who you live with and who cares about you know where you are. And I think it's shitty not to keep kids informed whether they will see daddy before bedtime. I get not constantly texting/calling but it is rude not to make any contact when you have responsibilities.

Original poster
Pippa12 · 21/08/2016 00:21

Well at least I'm not completely bat shit crazy. He's home, he stinks of kebab and beer, seriously well oiled. He thinks I'm mental. Not really bothered to put my point across. We've been here before. I love him to the coar but this is so frustrating- how do you get across you just wanted a courtesy text without sounding like a possessed witch!?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pippa12 · 21/08/2016 00:22

Train takes half an hour. If it was me and I'd angered my DH I'd come straight home- not go out for more beer!

OP posts:
ninjapants · 21/08/2016 00:23

I know how annoying, frustrating and upsetting that sort of thing can be.
Just a suggestion for next time (I'm guessing there will probably be one):

The way I deal with it now is to get a time from DH by which he'll be home and leave him to it unless I need to contact him or he contacts me first.

Focus on what you and the DCs are doing while he's out, and not what he is doing, when he'll be home, etc. Your day will be a lot more enjoyable and you'll be a lot less stressed. If he does go^^ AWOL or some kind of drink related accident befalls him, deal with it then. Do not waste time and energy on him when he's out when he clearly doesn't give you a second thought.

Hope you get a good sleep tonight OP

SleepDeprivedAndCranky · 21/08/2016 00:27

I'd cut him some slack if he doesn't go out often and treats you well the rest of the time. His behaviour is a bit crap but it could have been worse. Hopefully, he will turn up soon. Don't let it ruin the rest of your weekend.

pennyunwise · 21/08/2016 00:32

how do you get across you just wanted a courtesy text without sounding like a possessed witch?

Wait til tomorrow, then tell him "I don't want to sound like a possessed witch, but I wish you had sent a courtesy text, I was pretty pissed off about it yesterday".

A person should be able to tell their husband or wife. "this happened, it pissed me off, can we avoid it happening again?". If the husband/wife can't have a reasonable conversation about something like that and can't take their partner's feelings on board, then it's not a good relationship.

ImissGrannyW · 21/08/2016 00:35

And, I assume, he's doing ALL child care tomorrow as you've done it all day today and his kids have missed him?

That would help take the sting out of it a bit.

wowfudge · 21/08/2016 00:38

The OP posted he's working I think.

Original poster
Pippa12 · 21/08/2016 00:41

Some good points made. He goes away on weekends with the lads and away with work. I don't speak to him generally in the day as I'm busy with 3 kids, but I do ask him to text me when he's home after a night out, literally just home safe. The amount of times he's not text, well I've lost count! I think that is why it irritates me so much. He's (generally) a great husband and dad, we have a lovely life but this really boils my p*ss. It's like ground hog day. Instead of talking to him I might just crack him in the nuts first thing...see if that jogs his memory!Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Pippa12 · 21/08/2016 00:42

And yes he's supposedly working and stupid me said I'd help! Cooked breakfast before he left this morning, clean house
...I'm a mug Blush

OP posts:
Shizzlestix · 21/08/2016 00:54

I was drunk wife crying in the bath when the DH didn't contact me and was out til silly o'clock one night. We now communicate! All it took was me telling him how upset I was that he hadn't bothered to phone and I had no idea where he was. A quick text wouldn't hurt. I think your DH has been really selfish when you're stuck at home with three DCs.

Original poster
Pippa12 · 21/08/2016 00:58

I think it's selfish behaviour but I'm fine with just one measley text to give me the info he said he would. Top and bottom of it is its the same old story, once he's out iy appears he doesn't give me a second thought, pretty tragic after 14 years.

OP posts:
Cocklodger · 21/08/2016 01:02

I'm so so so glad that DH doesn't do this.
PP's on about 'cutting him some slack'
eh?
He lied to her about when he'd be home(stated he'd be home early as he is working tomorrow), went out and didn't come back in till early hours and then is acting like she is being U?
What?
is this shit actually normal and widely accepted???
Very, very confused :S