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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm so mad but I know ibu

52 replies

Pippa12 · 20/08/2016 23:43

DH went to out today with distant friends, I'm at home with 4&2 yr old and a 5 month baby. He left at 10am and said he would let me know what train he was catching home. Wouldnt be late as working early. Then radio silence, all day. 3 friendly msgs and then 3 phone calls unanswered. Upset kids as they wanted to see/speak to Dad before bedtime. Text DH bf's wife and found out train times. Eventually he rang, told me he was catching the train now, what my problem? He said he'd ring with train time and he was telling me he's catching it now. A few crossed words but eventually fine. Not returned still- he's got train home and now in local. I know he's a grown man and I'm normally laid back but I'm furious! He has a history of disappearing off the radar. This is mild but I'm so angry!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Pippa12 · 21/08/2016 01:10

I really don't accept it. I wouldn't leave him over it as it's really his only flaw- but it really really aggravates the living bloody daylights out of me! I'm away in a couple of weeks and I'm thinking of leaving my phone at the lodge while we go out- maybe some radio silence from me would help? Or he may not be bothered, and reinforce his behaviour?!

OP posts:

SillyBilly18 · 21/08/2016 01:38

I'm currently stuck in the same situation. DP went out "just for one" earlier, promised he wouldn't be late & would text- and nothing as yet. My two calls have been ignored, as usual! Every single time he goes out he does this & then is rubbish the next day. I'm so cross, I don't understand why a simple text is so difficult!

Original poster

Pippa12 · 21/08/2016 02:01

I'm not on my own. I've decided not to ruin the day over it tomorrow. I'm going to say my piece and then leave it. I think over the next few weeks I'll give myself a good talking to and when I go away practice what he preaches- maybe he'll get an idea of how I feel. It will take everything I have tho- I'm such a home bird I'm always calling to check in!

OP posts:

RadiatorBlues · 21/08/2016 07:47

I hate men like this.
I'm married to one, although I want to leave him.
The other night he isn't home late at night. Call and phone is clicked off on me. Receive a text saying "I'm out with friends". And then he just doesn't come home till the next day.
He doesn't care about his kids, clearly.
When I confronted him he says "so if I'm married I am not allowed to have friends? I just have to go to work and come home?".
I was really angry and exasperated with this response and didn't bother engaging in a non-constructive conversation.
He regularly goes out late. Once or twice a week I would say. And no, I don't. And yes, I hate it.

Dolphinsanddinosaurs · 21/08/2016 07:58

I'm confused OP, why do you think YABU? Is that what your DH tells you? It is clearly not much, to expect a quick text at some point in a whole day out, especially when your DH's history of accidents is considered. I definitely think you need to do the same as him when you are out next. I suspect he won't like being the one left with the children, and no contact from you.

bonzo77 · 21/08/2016 08:05

He's being a first class selfish twat. He knows what he's doing and it won't improve. It may go through phases of being better. Or not. Decide if you want to live like this. If you want your kids to. And if you want your kids to see this as normal.

My ex was like this. Together 7 years. Never had children. Because I knew that things would never change for him. His dad did it. His grand dad. His sisters boyfriends. All his friends did it. Even the ones with kids. One of them did it the night after his wife birthed their second child.

Afreshstartplease · 21/08/2016 08:12

My oh can be like this op so I feel your pain. He doesn't do it anywhere near as much as he used to now but will still do it now and then.
It's irritating as fuck. I don't actually know how I used to put up with it when it was very frequent. Now he hasn't done it for months. But it probably will happen again at some point.
It does especially piss me off because he damn well knows I would not do it to him

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 21/08/2016 08:16

I think the text would indicate you were being thought of, clearly you're not. I'd be annoyed if I had 3 young kids and I was stuck at home too.

bakeoffcake · 21/08/2016 08:16

I'd ask him today, why it's so hard for him to just send you a couple of texts during the day. And wait for his reply.....

If he comes back with "I'm not allowed friends now am I?" Etc etc, just repeat "yes you are, now can you answer my question?"

I'd also point out that his 3 children were thinking he was coming home, so were constantly asking questions about where he was. Doesn't that bother him?

It's so bloody depressing to have to treat some men like children, inorder to get them to think about how their actions affect their families.

A one off behaving like this is acceptable, regularly doing it makes them a selfish, immature prick.

DinosaursRoar · 21/08/2016 08:23

I'd say that it's unfair on you to have to manage the children's expectations about seeing him, so at the point he knows he's not going to be back before their dinner time or bedtime, he needs to let you know. If he's not going to be back to have dinner with you, then he should let you know. It's not unreasonable to expect to be informed about lateness that effects you.

You are not housemates, you have dcs together, it makes your day harder if he doesn't communicate, it does effect you.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 21/08/2016 08:25

I think he sounds awful, OP. Unless you also have the same freedom (and use it) to go out and go off the radar to the same degree, you are being taken for an absolute mug.

I do speak as someone at the other end of the scale; my dh considers the children a shared responsibility when he's not at work, thinks the onus is mainly on him to make sure I get time away from them, and wouldn't want me to be wondering when my period of sole charge was going to end, especially if I was doing him a favour by having them while he went off to play.

Katastrophe13 · 21/08/2016 08:31

My DH is like this but doesn't go out that much anymore. Whenever he does he will tell me a time he'll be home and then not be home at that time and not text me to tell me his change of plan. sometimes he doesn't come home all night an doesn't text me. Despite me having completely freaked out at him in the past, he still doesn't think that he's doing anything wrong and I've just given up now. Never text him when he's out and assume he'll be home whenever. I am not spending any more sleepless nights wondering where he is. It does really piss me off though because if he woke up in the morning and I hadn't come home he'd go mad.

wheresthel1ght · 21/08/2016 08:43

I think you are hugely overreacting to be honest.

You say you don't like being out with people who are constantly on their phones and yet you were texting and calling him.

Late would home after 9pm in my book.

Butteredparsn1ps · 21/08/2016 08:43

I have found sending a how are you? Or how's your day going type text tends to elicit a response. Usually along the lines of good thanks will be home at ...

It's probably a bit passive aggressive, but I feel reassured and we don't have a row about it.

An Alternative tactic is to send pics of the DC eating tea, the DC in the bath, the DC having a bed-time story etc,etc.

Muskateersmummy · 21/08/2016 08:45

The being out all day and not coming home until very late wouldn't bother me in the slightest. But the lack of communication would drive me insane. Dh goes away for weekends and days with the boys way more often than I do but that's fine as I am happy this way. The difference is that we text each other periodically through the day to see how each other's day is going and he will always speak or FaceTime dd before she goes to bed. I think you need to speak to him not about going out, but about communicating better so that you don't worry/get annoyed.

AskBasil · 21/08/2016 08:51

Do you get to go out and get plastered every 2 weeks, OP, while he looks after the kids and has no idea where you are?

Original poster

Pippa12 · 21/08/2016 09:12

In his defence he doesn't do this every two weeks, but he has done it repeatedly in the past which I think made yesterday worse. And to reiterate I genuinely don't want him to text me all day, I have 3 young children and don't have time to sit texting- I was just asking an indication of where he was and what train he was catching (as he'd previously told me he would let me know) and when he didn't reply I was a bit worried which made me ring/text him to which he didn't answer/reply fueling my anxiety.

I felt Ibu as it has only been a day not a weekend away, and I did have the information as I'd text a friends wife for it. But perhaps I'm not being unreasonable, perhaps I could've been the wife who was up to date with plans and felt top of the pecking order.

Thanks for the replies- at least my frothing at the mouth was understood by u guys, and thanks to those who thought ibu, always useful to get a balanced response.

OP posts:

ecuse · 21/08/2016 09:18

YANBU but just as a practicality, just tell the kids from the start he will be home after they're in bed, then if he is earlier it's a nice surprise. Managing expectations and all that.

Muskateersmummy · 21/08/2016 09:19

I don't think he needs to text all day, but ignoring 3 texts and phone calls was a bit rude and would have made me worry. I think that's all he needs to do is make an effort to reply when he sees you have messaged him

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 21/08/2016 09:26

I wouldn't ask for a courtesy text. It's pointless if he doesn't want to text you - that's what you want, really, to be thought of and remembered, and clearly he doesn't. He might remember once and then he'll be back to old tricks. I think it'd be cold comfort to me that he was only texting me because I'd asked him too, as well.

I'm not sure what the way forward is though. If this is his only flaw and you won't leave him over it, it is accepted, really. It sucks, but he knows he'll get away with it and clearly he reverts to not wanting any contact once he's drinking and staying out as late as possible. He's hardly going to be fit for working today, so at least it's not just you that he has no respect for, I guess.

Maybe you just hope that he grows out of it. Or start locking the door at 11pm and if he's not back, he can sleep elsewhere and come home when he's sober.

StillNotANewUser · 21/08/2016 09:35

Oh YAtotallyNBU. DP does this too, it's like as soon as he goes out he forgets I even exist and I just hear nothing. After going nuclear about it a couple of times he will now send me texts with wildly inaccurate ETA's (best recent example when he was at a wedding and called at 8.30 to say he'd be leaving soon, I then didn't get the text to say he'd left until 1am). My texts go progressively from friendly to passive aggressive to fucking furious over the course of an evening. He goes out rarely so it's not a major problem, but I find it absolutely infuriating - particularly since whenever I go out I invariably leave early to make sure I'm back at a reasonable hour and disrupt the family as little as possible.

Amelie10 · 21/08/2016 09:37

Yanbu, my DH wouldn't bugger off without any communication and always lets me know what he's doing. If he's going to be late he gives me a heads up early on. I think it's very selfish that he's done this.

Million2One · 21/08/2016 09:42

I think you are overreacting too however I also think he is being mean not to text if this upsets you.

You are suggesting the reason for him texting is so that you know he is ok as he is accident prone - that sounds silly. If he is in an accident you will hear about it but having to check in to let you know he's safe is very OTT and a bit motherly

Are your reasons for wanting him to phone genuinely because you are worried about his safety or are they because you are pissed off with him?

Could you agree that he doesn't need to call unless he's injured or going to be later that midnight (or whatever)

If you resent him going then that's a separate issue and more understandable!

diddl · 21/08/2016 09:56

"I wouldn't leave him over it as it's really his only flaw- "

What are the consequences for him?

Especially when he gets breakfast made!

Iamthinking · 21/08/2016 10:07

I don't think anyone who gets enraged by this is overreacting.

It is caused by two totally different perspectives, one is sober and exhausted and the other is totally trolleyed.

The demon drink explains it all. It is a common theme with all these partners that go out, that their heart is in the right place when they are sober, they say the sensible things about their good intentions to be back early, but everything goes out the window when they start to drink.

A way to cope, if you are convinced you cannot change him, is to manage your own expectations. If it is infrequent and you don't have any objection to him going out for such long periods, then don't ask him when he will be back as history tells you you will only be disappointed. Don't expect any contact. Expect that if he is going out he will be unable to stop drinking and will be out to the last possible moment. Get the sofa set up for him to sleep there, so you are not disturbed in bed when he comes in. Or get him to stay at a friend's.

Tell the kids that he will be gone till late, so you don't have the pressure from them. Manage everyone's expectations so that you can only be pleasantly surprised.

But actually I think his behaviour is pretty shit, and he should grow up, knuckle down and help out at the weekend as you must be absolutely shattered with three children so young.

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