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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP shouldnt go away for his DF's bday

54 replies

5432112345 · 20/08/2016 11:49

Hi all,

DP's family have recently started going on holiday for landmark birthdays, DP has been away twice for this without me - I work term time so am unable to go on these holidays. I have a great relationship with DP's family and would like to go on these trips but of course understand they would be crazy to book during school holidays because of the price.

The next one is in march for DPs dads 70th all sounds great but they have decided that this time they're not going to spain for a week (DP Goes for 3-4 nights) but are going long haul for two weeks.

We are getting married and buying a house in the next 18 months which we are supposed to be saving everything we can for. Im also not too keen on DP using two weeks of his limited holiday allowance for a holiday without me.

Am i being unreasonable to think DP shouldnt go?

OP posts:
Original poster
5432112345 · 20/08/2016 11:52

Probably should add that DP and I recebtly spent three weeks travelling around the country they are going to.

OP posts:
VoldysGoneMouldy · 20/08/2016 11:54

YANBU. At all.

juneau · 20/08/2016 11:55

No YANBU. I think its fine for your DP to go along if you're both in agreement and if its only for 3-4 days, relatively inexpensive, and doesn't interfere with other stuff. Its important, after all, to maintain ties to close family and to make an effort to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, etc, if possible.

A two-week long-haul trip with you though? I would baulk at this - and presumably it will eat up two weeks of his annual holiday entitlement, thereby depriving the two of you of the chance to go away together. I think its pretty crap of his family to a) expect him to do this and b) to do it at a time when you cannot possibly join them. They might not be deliberately excluding you and perhaps they see this as a final chance to take a 2-week holiday with their DS before he gets married? But still, I think its unreasonable of them to expect him to put them before you - and unreasonable of him to go along with it.

juneau · 20/08/2016 11:55

*without you

ENormaSnob · 20/08/2016 11:56

Yanbu

Amelie10 · 20/08/2016 11:58

Can he just go for one week instead of two? I think Yabu as its a big milestone birthday and how can he miss that?

snoringdog · 20/08/2016 12:00

Neither of you are unreasonable. That's a big birthday and life is all about /loved ones and memories. I understand him wanting to go and I understand your reasons for not. Try compromise in some way. Maybe he could come back earlier and could cut costs somewhere else?

Original poster
5432112345 · 20/08/2016 12:01

Thanks for replies.

In terms of one week trip - its an 11 hour flight. But to be honest it is more about the money for me - it will cost in the region of 1k which will be straight out of the house deposit fund.

Yes i cant help feeling a little excluded.

I know its a landmark which is why im asking as im not sure!

OP posts:
ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 20/08/2016 12:04

I can see why it would annoy you.

I can see why he wants to go.

Neither of you are being unreasonable.

The only thing you can both do is sit and discuss it, put your views over, and try and come up with a mutual decision.

pictish · 20/08/2016 12:06

Agree with Elsa - there's no sides here...all you can do is compromise together.

amidawish · 20/08/2016 12:12

you work term time? are you a teacher? if not could you possibly take some time off?

Original poster
5432112345 · 20/08/2016 12:12

If they were going to spain for a week I wouldnt have a problem its the cost and the time.

DP and I would never choose this type of holiday -All inclusive beach thing.

I also worry that this will become expected every 2-3 years for DP to go off on holiday with his family leaving me at home.

OP posts:
Original poster
5432112345 · 20/08/2016 12:13

Yes im a teacher so time off isnt possible. Even if it was I would want to save it for our wedding next october.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 20/08/2016 12:15

YANBU and your in laws should realise that in booking this expensive trip they are impacting negatively on your relationship. Even if money was no issue your dp would be absent and using his annual leave. They need to see that OK, fine, it's nice to have family trips but it's unworkable for everyone to attend. They could easily have a really nice long weekend in the uk which everyone could attend. Or a meal somewhere nice.

He should decline and explain why. Have them over for a nice meal and celebrate then.

HaPPy8 · 20/08/2016 12:17

Does he want to go? Do you have children?

Wolpertinger · 20/08/2016 12:20

Niether are being unreasonable but it's the melding of families - you are getting married, presumably about to have children, there is limited annual leave time and finances between you and your priority should now be each other.

How much time do you get to spend with your family? Are they prone to making dictats about holidays for landmark birthdays? As both sets of your parents ages will there be pressure for 'this could be the last time we go together?'

All of this needs to be had out in an open and honest conversation as the reality is your DH has other demands on his time and finances than when he was single - and seeing his family isn't the joy for you that it is for him.

juneau · 20/08/2016 12:20

How does he feel OP? Does he feel duty-bound to go, or he is eager to do so?

Original poster
5432112345 · 20/08/2016 12:21

No children.

He wants to go because of the birthday and feels he should. He doesnt want to go on the actual holiday iyswim.

OP posts:
Blondieblondie · 20/08/2016 12:24

If I were him and wasn't even married yet, and didn't have kids. I'd think it was entirely my decision.

I understand you'll miss him, would like to go etc. but I think you would be wrong to try and stop him or give him grief about it.

Honeypickle · 20/08/2016 12:25

He should decline. His new family and top priority has to be you. His family are being unnecessarily divisive in expecting him to join them without you. Even if you could go, it's a bit much expecting your adult children to join you for a 2 week holiday to celebrate your birthday! Your DF should suggest a big dinner or even a weekend away but politely decline the holiday.

dustarr73 · 20/08/2016 12:27

Would you "let him go" on the provision its the last big holiday.And from now on no more holidays just save,save and save.

Original poster
5432112345 · 20/08/2016 12:27

But is it his decision to spend OUR money for our house on it?

OP posts:
HaPPy8 · 20/08/2016 12:27

I think you should be ok with letting him go this time as he wants to and as its a special occassion and there cant be that many landmark birthdays coming up soon. I think he will resent you otherwise.

Blondieblondie · 20/08/2016 12:28

If he's taking money from savings you have already put aside, then yes. Is that the plan? I assumed he'd be paying it from his wages?

Blondieblondie · 20/08/2016 12:29

Sorry, I meant that round be unreasonable, not that that would be his decision.