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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP shouldnt go away for his DF's bday

54 replies

5432112345 · 20/08/2016 11:49

Hi all,

DP's family have recently started going on holiday for landmark birthdays, DP has been away twice for this without me - I work term time so am unable to go on these holidays. I have a great relationship with DP's family and would like to go on these trips but of course understand they would be crazy to book during school holidays because of the price.

The next one is in march for DPs dads 70th all sounds great but they have decided that this time they're not going to spain for a week (DP Goes for 3-4 nights) but are going long haul for two weeks.

We are getting married and buying a house in the next 18 months which we are supposed to be saving everything we can for. Im also not too keen on DP using two weeks of his limited holiday allowance for a holiday without me.

Am i being unreasonable to think DP shouldnt go?

OP posts:
Original poster
5432112345 · 20/08/2016 12:32

Blondie - we earn the same amount and have an agreement about how much gores into the savings each month. We are living very frugally at the moment to facilitate saving. He would have to reduce his contribution to pay for the holiday.

OP posts:
JudyCoolibar · 20/08/2016 12:33

It's up to his parents if they want to book the trip, but I don't see why they should expect your DH to go with them, especially if he's recently been to the country in question for three weeks. But I'm glad to say we don't make that much of a big deal over birthdays for ages with a zero: in my case I'm usually in denial anyway.

Original poster
5432112345 · 20/08/2016 12:35

Judy my family is the same my parents would never expect me to a spend a grand to celebrate their big birthdays.

I just cant get my head around spending that much money 7 months before our wedding.

OP posts:
allthecarbs · 20/08/2016 12:39

I'm on the fence. I can totally see why you don't want him to go, it's a hell of a lot of money and time when there are other big things you are saving for.

On the other hand there are some things in life you really regret missing out on and this might be one of them.

Are there any other big landmark birthdays/occasions coming up?

OnionKnight · 20/08/2016 12:41

If he can pay for it with his own money then I can't see why he can't go.

Blondieblondie · 20/08/2016 12:42

I see. If it was me, and he actually wanted to go, I'd be happy for him to go in the circumstances of it being a milestone birthday, his DF, etc. You'll still get married, still get a house. If he doesn't want to go, he's got the excuse of saving for the wedding/house.

NPowerShitShower · 20/08/2016 12:44

Are you sure you want to marry someone who hasn't cut the apron strings? There's no way an independent adult should still be doing what mummy and daddy want, particularly if it's to the detriment of your relationship! I'd be livid in your position, OP. It's not just the money. 2 weeks out of what? A 4/5 week holiday allowance? When are you supposed to go on honeymoon? Decorate your new house etc? No way should he be going!

allthecarbs · 20/08/2016 12:48

NPowerShitShower is right. Definitely cancel the wedding. Who would want to marry someone who thinks highly of their parents? Hmm

woowoowoo · 20/08/2016 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
5432112345 · 20/08/2016 12:56

I hadnt even considered time off for honeymoon, I dont know how many days he will have left.

I think considering the holiday days required for the wedding etc maybe a week is ok but two weeks is too much. Is that a good compromise?

His dad is the loveliest man you could ever meet so i want him to have a great time. Im just struggling with the cost.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 20/08/2016 12:56

Except that it leaves the OP to make up the shortfall on the house/wedding savings.

OP, I think you should make sure that you cut your saving to match his if he does go. Use the money to go on holiday yourself, or treat yourself. If he's not that bothered, the house/wedding will have to wait. really don't get into the habit of subsidising his lifestyle now.

Original poster
5432112345 · 20/08/2016 13:00

I think if DP tells them he cant afford it they will offer to subsidise some part of it.

I think DP and I need to discuss what the future looks like with these holidays, i dont want to be stuck at home every 2-3 years for his mum, dad, nan, bro, sil etc birthdays/ wedding anniversaries.

OP posts:
Blondieblondie · 20/08/2016 13:04

I agree with the above. If he has to cut his contribution, you do too. But I wouldn't object to him going. I'd expect no more trips like this once the house is bought/weddings happened/kids coming etc. I just think that it's his dad, he's 70, God forbid, but they might not get another chance. You WILL get married, you WILL get your new house, etc. If you see what I mean.

And i think some posters comments are bit presumptious - who says he's being forced, can't cut the apron strings etc. It's a shame OP can't go, but it's lovely that his family are close.

babyboomersrock · 20/08/2016 13:04

I can't understand the mentality of adults who think their birthday celebration trumps everything else.

I'm going to be 70 next year. If my family have the time and inclination, they're welcome to join us for lunch - we'd choose somewhere which suits the little ones, we'll keep it brief and they can all get home before bedtime. I need no reminders that there won't be many "landmark birthdays" after this one, thank you very much Grin

OP, your dh needs to get his priorities right before you get married - otherwise, you may find this sort of thing crops up all the time. There will always be some reason why his parents have to come first.

Nanny0gg · 20/08/2016 13:05

I think DP and I need to discuss what the future looks like with these holidays, i dont want to be stuck at home every 2-3 years for his mum, dad, nan, bro, sil etc birthdays/ wedding anniversaries.

^^This.

It is excluding a future member of the family and it's an unreasonable cost in terms of money and time.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 20/08/2016 13:07

What happened to birthday parties or family meals out. A trip like this seems way over the top for just a birthday to me, so what if its one which ends with a 0. YANBU

NPowerShitShower · 20/08/2016 13:07

You definitely need to go into this with your eyes open. What happens if you have children? Will his parents and extended family continue to be his priority in terms of time/money? Has he actually thought through the leave from work aspect of this? And presumably he'll need a few days to get over jetlag when he first gets back... I'd feel so snubbed in your position, OP. Family or not, he's happy to put your house and wedding fund on the back burner whilst he heads off on a big family (but family minus you, his future wife) piss up. This doesn't bode well IMO.

MiddleClassProblem · 20/08/2016 13:07

I think he should say he can't afford it as that IS the reason. I will say this though, you only live once and only hand so long with loved ones. A big trip like this will be very different to yours as well as quality time with his family, I would be encouraging him to go.

crje · 20/08/2016 13:07

I think that's a shit family tradition.

I think Dh needs to tell his parents ye can't attend anything longer than weekends away from now on.

pestov · 20/08/2016 13:25

YANBU! I'm a teacher and my DH agrees to use a maximum of 1 week holiday during term time, otherwise I'd never see him! So he didn't go to his dad's 70th last year, but did manage a long weekend away with his pals and some random days, including hosting his parents. Before we had kids some of his colleagues moaned about him taking 10 days off every Christmas but we go stay with his parents for a week of it, and he books it in every January because it is important to him.

However, the money side would be a big alarm bell; if you wouldn't spend a grand each on a holiday like that, he should politely decline. Unless he can convince them to contribute to the house and wedding funds... Wink

Original poster
5432112345 · 20/08/2016 13:30

Thanks all for your comments i'll talk to DP today and see what we come up with. I think setting up what happens for all the futute holiday requests is very important now.

Pestov- they probably will they are very generous!

OP posts:
VoldysGoneMouldy · 20/08/2016 13:34

1K?! Jeez. That's a ridiculous amount, no matter who it is and what birthday they're celebrating!

Take parents out for a nice meal when they get home as a compromise. It just isn't practical or fair.

AyeAmarok · 20/08/2016 13:47

If it was anything other than a 70th birthday I'd say he shouldn't go, bit a 70th is quite a big deal.

I think one week is a good compromise. I frequently do long-haul for a week as i cannot take two weeks off work, and it's fine. I never feel like I didn't have enough time there, you just need to force yourself into their time zone within a day.

But it definitely warrants a conversation about future expectations as it's not fair on you at all for it to be a regular thing!

juneau · 20/08/2016 13:53

Thing is its not just money, is it? Its time off, which when you only get 4-5 weeks per year every day is precious - particularly when you've got a wedding and honeymoon coming up in less than a year.

You're right OP that you need to set a precedent now for the future. Because when you're married will they still expect him to go on his own without you? What about when you've got DC? Are you to be left home alone with the kids while your DH jets off to holiday with Mummy, Daddy and the rest of them?

BombadierFritz · 20/08/2016 14:00

Maybe his parents will pay or contribute similar to the wedding if they are comfortable for money? Tbh if you're not married and no kids and no mortgage I'd see it as up to him. Plenty of time to make up the money. Presumably there cant be many more landmark events on the horizon? My view is coloured by my dads sudden death at 70 perhaps - unexpected but we dont live forever. In future though perhaps they can either plan uk based events for wider family and dp opts out of longhaul