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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To spend maintenance money how I see fit.

80 replies

Rainbow · 15/08/2016 00:59

In a nutshell, I have 4 DC. 3 have one father and one has another. XH (father of 1) gives me maintenance every Friday for DS which I usually put towards the weekly shop. He has a visit every Sunday. This week, XH had some errands to run so drop him off an hour early (he usually baths him and gets him ready for bed before bringing him home). As he was still dressed DS asked me if he could go to the shops for ice cream. XH hadn't left at this point. I said I hadn't got any ice cream money to which XH said "what happened to the money I gave you Friday?" I said I had been shopping and needed electric. XH replied "That money is for DS not for you to spend on yourself or the others"
All DC are clothed and have a roof over their heads which is out of my pocket as is the rest of the weekly shop and all the bills.
I don't think IABU to use his maintenance money this way. It's not like DC go without while I spend it on nights out or clothes for me, if anything I go without so they don't have to.

OP posts:
ThymeLord · 15/08/2016 01:01

The maintenance is for your child. You spent it on shopping and electric. Those things are for your child. Your ex is a twat. Don't justify yourself to him love.

CremeEggThief · 15/08/2016 01:02

YANBU. It's up to you to spend it as you see fit, as long as it's towards the benefit of your DC. It's none of your XH's business, so just ignore him.

JenLindley · 15/08/2016 01:07

He is living in cloud fucking cuckoo land if he thinks it's possible to divvy up money like that when you're living as a family. It's not possible. All money goes into the family pot and essentials paid first. Treats after if there is spare. If there isn't? Oh well, that's how it goes sometimes.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 15/08/2016 01:08

He's not the boss of you and you don't have to answer to him because:

  1. he's your ex

  2. he's a prick

Never, ever rise to the bait

JenLindley · 15/08/2016 01:09

Does he really expect you to buy an ice cream for one child while sitting with no electric in the house? Or would that 1 child be allowed electric to play PlayStation while the other 3 sat and watched?

blondieblondie · 15/08/2016 01:09

YANBU. What does he expect you to do? 3 separate lots of shopping and label everything as yours, DS and the others? I'd love to know how you would make sure everyone got the the correct electricity allowance.

What a moron.

Lottielou7 · 15/08/2016 01:10

YANBU - paying for children includes household expenses so they have a suitable home. Some men are such idiots.

MillionToOneChances · 15/08/2016 01:11

If the money he gives you is only enough to 'go towards' the weekly shop then I think it's a fair bet the money gets spent on your son's proportion of food, bills, his clothes, ice cream if there's a bit spare.

Lottielou7 · 15/08/2016 01:11

Blondieblondie Grin

itsbetterthanabox · 15/08/2016 01:12

The money is to take care of him and to facilitate you to be able to take care of him.
This is about power. He's being petty and childlike. Ignore.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 15/08/2016 01:13

He's a numpty, what are you supposed to do, install a special electric meter just for his DC? Don't pay him any heed.

ThymeLord · 15/08/2016 01:15

My ex husband pays £11 a week maintenance. When I'm skint and ask him if he can buy a pencil case and some stationery bits he responds "what have you done with all that money I give you". It's laughable!

WeirdAndPissedOff · 15/08/2016 01:16

The money is for DS - for maintenance, not pocket money. You spent it providing for DS - on groceries and electricity.
Of course YANBU - ExH is, and massively so if he said this in front of DS.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 15/08/2016 01:20

If you were spending in on hand bags and getting your nails done then I would be saying YABU.
However as you spent it on shopping and lecy you are most certainly not BU.

MistressDeeCee · 15/08/2016 01:25

He's mulling over you spending his money partly on the DC who aren't his

2kids2dogsnosense · 15/08/2016 01:26

So he thinks the money he provides should just go to toys and treats for his OWN child? Who does he expect to feed, house and clothe him?

What a twat.

KickAssAngel · 15/08/2016 01:29

So you should all be sitting in the dark, listening to DS lick his ice cream?

MillionToOneChances · 15/08/2016 01:29

So you should all be sitting in the dark, listening to DS lick his ice cream?

Gold Grin

LauderSyme · 15/08/2016 01:35

YANBU.
Child maintenance should be used for the living expenses of the child. What those are depends on the whole family budget which the resident parent manages. That is exactly what you are doing.
Your ex is being a controlling arse.
Try not to feel like you have to justify yourself to him, though I know that can be hard. I feel I am constantly on the defensive with my son's father even though I tell myself there is no need. If anything it should be the other way round!

Original poster
Rainbow · 15/08/2016 01:36

Thank you. I was having my own little argument in my head and it was driving me insane.
IANBU, it goes towards DS4s share of the expenses.
IABU because I spent it on everyone.
Maybe I should just buy DS4 clothes.
Hold on, he doesn't need clothes every week.
Maybe I should save it for school uniform, trips and clothes and then I don't have to pay.
FFS woman does it matter who's pocket it comes out of, as long as they all have what they need?
But the money is for him.

By the time I've stopped arguing with myself and making myself annoyed, I still need help 😂

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 15/08/2016 01:36

If you were spending in on hand bags and getting your nails done then I would be saying YABU

I wouldn't, going on the assumption that the op's child is not being neglected and all his needs are being met using the op's household income what she does with anything after that is totally up to her.

Say she had £200 and £30 of that was from CM and she spent say £40 on something for herself after she had paid her bills brought food got stuff the child needs there is nothing at all wrong with that. Or is she expected to put identifying marks on the CM money to make certain that precisely those notes went on the kids?

ThymeLord · 15/08/2016 01:42

Oh Rainbow love, don't waste a single second thinking about this. You are providing a warm safe home for your child. Food on the table, clothes on his back, a working TV, etc. You do not have to account for a single penny.

blondieblondie · 15/08/2016 01:45

Does he give you it directly? Is it based on what CSA/CMS would say he should give you?

Careforadrink · 15/08/2016 01:46

Controlling twat

Go and get your nails done with it as I'm damn sure you pay and do far more than him as the RP then he ever will.

Ignore the prick.

PinkyofPie · 15/08/2016 02:08

I can see why he's your ex. What does he want you to do? Tot up roughly how much of the shopping and electric your DS will consume, take that exact amount out of the pile of cash he has given, and pay for the rest with other money? (Actually I think there are people out there who'd see this as reasonable)

Sounds like a stupid wanker