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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To spend maintenance money how I see fit.

80 replies

Rainbow · 15/08/2016 00:59

In a nutshell, I have 4 DC. 3 have one father and one has another. XH (father of 1) gives me maintenance every Friday for DS which I usually put towards the weekly shop. He has a visit every Sunday. This week, XH had some errands to run so drop him off an hour early (he usually baths him and gets him ready for bed before bringing him home). As he was still dressed DS asked me if he could go to the shops for ice cream. XH hadn't left at this point. I said I hadn't got any ice cream money to which XH said "what happened to the money I gave you Friday?" I said I had been shopping and needed electric. XH replied "That money is for DS not for you to spend on yourself or the others"
All DC are clothed and have a roof over their heads which is out of my pocket as is the rest of the weekly shop and all the bills.
I don't think IABU to use his maintenance money this way. It's not like DC go without while I spend it on nights out or clothes for me, if anything I go without so they don't have to.

OP posts:
ClopySow · 15/08/2016 09:09

It's laughable that these people think children only cost £50 a week.

Cakedoesntjudge · 15/08/2016 09:09

This drives me insane!

Not long after we split I ended up having the argument to end all arguments with ex DP's mother because she was going around telling lots of people I knew that I was spending all the maintenance money on wine and was an alcoholic.

I work, and bought one bottle of wine per weekly shop, she used to get through half a bottle of port most evenings Hmm

Ex DP used to question regularly why I wasn't getting DS new toys/clothes every week as he paid maintenance....eventually I pointed out that the amount he pays doesn't even cover the cost of after school club for a month.

I now don't engage with it at all with it and let them believe what they want! As others have said, I pay far more for DS and his upbringing than he does and DS is always fed, clothed, warm and happy. Don't waste a single minute feeling bad OP!

LewisAndClark · 15/08/2016 09:15

That's actually hilarious. And sad.

I get maintenance for one of my children. It doesn't even begin to make a dent in her weekly activities but technically speaking I could say it gets spent on her. Or I could say it goes on my wine and fags, as I probably spend a similar amount on those. Or I could say it pays 10% of the mortgage.

All money in just gets spent on the same things. It's insane talk to insist it's divided up that way.

Just smile and nod next time and then laugh at him when he leaves.

ItWentInMyEye · 15/08/2016 09:16

Does anyone else feel awful working out one of their kids 'share' of costs? I feel terrible when I even have to think about what one of my kids is costing me, because to me they're all the same and I hate having to single one out to think about how much that DC in particular costs me. I know its about practicalities and making sure you get a fair amount of maintenance, but I just always feel sad when I have to do It .

tireddotcom72 · 15/08/2016 09:31

Ex and latest girlfriend having a moan about paying child support - dd asked her dad for some money as she wanted to go out with friends only £10! He said that's what I give your mum money for - then the girlfriend ( been around couple of months) started having a go at dd (12) saying she is constantly asking for money!! What did I waste money on etc! Got accused of spending his money on my glasses and car! Ended up sending pictures of all the receipts of things ( school uniform, food, entertainment, ) came to way more than he pays out. Really petty but now every time dd even buys sweets I get receipt and send it!

purplefox · 15/08/2016 11:27

Another thread which has ended up on the Daily Mail www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3741086/Mother-criticised-spending-child-maintenance-money-food.html

LewisAndClark · 15/08/2016 11:29

Oh sweet Jesus. Fucking vultures.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 15/08/2016 11:38

itwentinmyeye

You don't have to do it, it's a unreasonable request.

You do it because you choose to

MillionToOneChances · 15/08/2016 11:46

Bloody hell they're shameless. Do you think they pay MN for screenshotting all those comments?

ItWentInMyEye · 15/08/2016 11:46

I've never been asked to, but felt I had to so that I could work out if what ex dp offered as maintenance was acceptable. Made me feel shitty.

CremeEggThief · 15/08/2016 12:15

This is incredibly annoying it has ended up in the paper. Can't MNHQ do anything about it? It's not exactly journalism.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 15/08/2016 12:31

Oh for fucks sake the DM can FUCK OFF!

2kids2dogsnosense · 15/08/2016 12:46

Hell's teeth! Does the Daily Wail have ANY real journalists?

RandyMagnum · 15/08/2016 12:56

Does the OP get money from the father of the other three children? That's the only reason I could see the ex-husband having valid concerns, if his child is missing out on things, because the other father isn't contributing correctly. I think most people would be annoyed if they're effectivly subbing some other deadbeat parent's children, who isn't paying any maintenance. Don't think the way his comment was worded was the best put forward though, as correctly pointed out in here, his child needs both food and electric, so she's hardly spending it solely on herself or the other children, but if she's not getting any money off the other parent of the majority of the other children then the situation is different to what is described IMO.

PinkyofPie · 15/08/2016 12:57

Does the OP get money from the father of the other three children? That's the only reason I could see the ex-husband having valid concerns, if his child is missing out on things, because the other father isn't contributing

Nothing to do with her ex. If her children are being fed, clothed and watered they aren't "missing out"

BirdintheWings · 15/08/2016 12:59

How did you jump to 'other deadbeat parent' from the OP, Randy? It doesn't say the other children's dad has left, or doesn't contribute, even if that was relevant. I mean, what parent says 'Oh, you have four children to feed? Better make sure mine starves too, hadn't I?'

RandyMagnum · 15/08/2016 13:14

I didn't jump to it, I asked it in the first question in my post. Simple economics though, I was assuming that the OP was a single parent, and resident parent for all 4 children though (if I'm wrong, I apologise), so you'll obviously have more income from 3 parents than you do from 2.

Xenophile · 15/08/2016 13:24

Kudos to the fuckwit who commented on the DM "journalism" by suggesting that MN has a hive mind.

Obviously on of the J4MB/J4F knob heads.

OP, you don't have to justify anything to your ex. If he's paying for 50% of your child's basic upkeep, I will eat a bowling ball.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 15/08/2016 13:24

I can understand him getting annoyed if you used that money to buy your other children clothes/pay for their hobbies/pay their school trip off etc etc etc... Them things are not his problem really are they. You should wait until you get some money from another source to pay for those things.

But as for electricity and gas, the other people living in the household are bound to use these as well as DS, so your ex is being a bit ridiculous when it comes to that. But I do think if you're using it for the food shop, you shouldn't be buying your other children treats with it.

KellyBoo800 · 15/08/2016 13:31

YADNBU. My husband pays maintenance to his ex weekly, and it's ridiculous to assume that she puts this money 'aside' to just buy things for DSD, especially when she has another child with her DH. It goes straight from his bank account into hers, and it's nothing to do with either of us how she chooses to spend it.

She's recently gone out and bought a brand new car as well as having an extension built on her house. Has DH sad anything to her? Definitely not because it's still none of our business. DSD is fed, watered, has clean clothes (new ones when needed) and doesn't ever go without anything she needs.

I'd think a lot less of my DH if he ever questioned what his ex was spending maintenance on...I'm fuming for you that your ex dared to question it!

JacquettaWoodville · 15/08/2016 13:33

"But I do think if you're using it for the food shop, you shouldn't be buying your other children treats with it"

Eh? Has she? Or did you invent this?

Anyway, things like 'using it for the food shop' are just mental budgetting, surely? OP has to pay rent/mortgage, gas, electricity, school uniform, clothes, petrol, food etc etc - if she's already paid the electricity bill on a Thursday and she gets money on the Friday, she probably wouldn't say the money had gone on electricity, but nonetheless, the DS's "share" of electricity would be one of the costs it covered.

"If he's paying for 50% of your child's basic upkeep, I will eat a bowling ball."
YY

KoalaDownUnder · 15/08/2016 13:40

How ridiculous, MeAndMy3. Do you honesty expect the OP to buy one child food out of a special envelope, with money from his father? Confused

Obviously it all goes into a pool, from which she buys food etc for all the children.

RaspberryOverload · 15/08/2016 13:41

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys Mon 15-Aug-16 13:24:29

I can understand him getting annoyed if you used that money to buy your other children clothes/pay for their hobbies/pay their school trip off etc etc etc... Them things are not his problem really are they. You should wait until you get some money from another source to pay for those things.

All my income goes into the same account. Exactly how do you propose anyone ringfences a particular wad of cash?

I would be willing to bet a month's salary that the maintenance received by the OP pays for far less than 50% of the actual costs for the child. You have to consider the child's share of all utilities, any tv/broadband, council tax, building/contents insurance, food, clothing, holidays (if any), school related items/trips, etc, the list goes on.

And I've come across some idiots who just don't take this into account.

BrieAndChilli · 15/08/2016 14:07

I would be pedantic and write a list of all the costs for your DS- his cost of the rent/council tax/utilities/laundry/food/school stuff/clothes etc etc

  • bet is more than the child maintenance!
PinkyofPie · 15/08/2016 14:15

MeAndMy do you expect the OP to take the exact amount, keep it in a different purse and pay for her DS in question's stuff separately using the money in her purse?

What about when she buys a loaf of bread for £1? Does she take out 20p from the special purse and put it towards paying for the bread with the main shopping? How would she calculate energy bills??

Seriously is this what you expect? If not, how do you propose she makes sure she only spends that exact money on that exact child?