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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say don't bloody come

55 replies

MartinaMartini · 12/08/2016 21:49

In a nutshell (big nut...), Dh and I haven't been great for a couple for years now, to put it mildy. We have children togrther including a new baby. I'm currently on holiday with my parents and husband is supposed to come out to join us tomorrow. He cannot get more than 2 weeks off work hence me getting the head start away with the kids.

Anyway, I phoned him tonight and I asked him to make sure he emptied the fridge (left food in it last year which went mouldy) and to lock the cars and house (which he never does routinely as 'no one would ever break into his cars/ house') and got a tirade of abuse about 'being spoken to like a fucking child.'/'hasn't had to put up with my shit for a few weeks etc'

I'd said it all in a light hearted way but he just flipped which is characteristic of his behaviour....charming on one hand but drinks about 5/6+ cans of beer a night and is a recreational coke user.

Anyway...Ive told him not to come as tbh I haven't 'missed his shit' either . I've really enjoyed the head space away from him. I guess I'm asking, aibu for saying don't come (I've paid for the holiday) or could this be the time time I should really use to get my head straight to LTB?

OP posts:

deathandtaxes123 · 12/08/2016 21:51

I think you know it's the latter OP xx

blueskywithclouds · 12/08/2016 21:52

I think if you have been unhappy for a long time and tried everything to put it right then yes...this is a chance to do some thinking.

DeathStare · 12/08/2016 21:53

Not unreasonable at all.

ImperialBlether · 12/08/2016 21:53

Your life will be like a holiday once you're away from this man.

Binkermum29 · 12/08/2016 21:53

I think you know really, don't you? Tell him to Fuck Off - that's capital F and capital O.

iamabitnosey · 12/08/2016 21:56

How will your dc react to him not joining you? If your likely to have a less volatile time and able to relax I say tell him to bigger off!

SoTheySentMeA · 12/08/2016 21:56

YANBU. LTB.

Original poster

MartinaMartini · 12/08/2016 21:57

Thanks ladies....I think I know this is what I should do. Kids haven't asked after him once in weeks

He owes me money though which I keep holding on to get back from him.

OP posts:

gingerboy1912 · 12/08/2016 22:02

Enjoy your holiday without him and then plan your future without him.

FoxesOnSocks · 12/08/2016 22:06

Every had a conversation about his alcoholism and drug use?

YANBU and I'm issuing my first ever LTB.

WhooooAmI24601 · 12/08/2016 22:09

YANBU. Would he only make you and the DCs unhappy if he was there? It sounds as though you've enjoyed the respite. If you LTB your life would be like that every single day.

Original poster

MartinaMartini · 12/08/2016 22:14

I've spoken to him about the drinking and drug taking but he sees it as acceptable as it's what all his mates do. they've all got good jobs and careers which justifies him not having 'a problem' in his mind. I've given him ultimatums so now he just lies when he's taken something. After 10 years with him I know when he's smashed with one look at him.

The holiday will be better without him. No question.

I just worry about the fallout when I get back or if he'd just fly out anyway. My folks don't know the whole story. He'd fight for access to the kids too...this is one of the reasons I've stayed when I've tried to leave in the past.

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 12/08/2016 22:15

Consider the lost money an exit fee. If he's drinking and taking cocaine and you pay for his holidays then there's no way he's giving you any money back now is there?

HedgehogHedgehog · 12/08/2016 22:16

I agree YANBU LTB

Original poster

MartinaMartini · 12/08/2016 22:17

I know what you mean but it's all I had. He's due a large tax rebate any day. I like the exit fee idea though...makes it sound purposeful at least!

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 12/08/2016 22:17

Fight for access to the kids. My arse he wants the kids. They haven't even missed him so he doesn't do masses of childcare does he? No way he will get more than every other weekend.

Tell your folks the whole story.

DesolateWaist · 12/08/2016 22:18

charming on one hand but drinks about 5/6+ cans of beer a night and is a recreational coke user.

No - just plain no.

hazeimcgee · 12/08/2016 22:18

He can fight for access but a judge will weight up everythng ehich includes the kids opinions, his alcohol and drug abuse etc.

You are doing neither yourself nor those kids any favours by staying in an unhappy and volatile relationship.

Enjoy the holiday without him and start planning your future. Maybe time to be straight with your parents?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 12/08/2016 22:18

When he gets the tax rebate you'll get half of it anyway in the divorce.

Peppapogstillonaloop · 12/08/2016 22:20

Does the want the kids or he would fight for access just to annoy you? Evidence of his drink and coke habit should put paid to that either way. You already know the answer to your question, you don't need to justify yourself to anyone. He sounds like a prize twat and you should get on with Ltb in my opinion

YouTheCat · 12/08/2016 22:22

If he goes down the court route for custody there's no way he'll pass the drug screening if you say he's using coke.

Get rid. Tell your parents what is happening so there is no having to act if he turns up anyway.

foursillybeans · 12/08/2016 22:23

I wouldn't be living with a coke user especially with children in the house. They just don't mix.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 12/08/2016 22:24

Surely it would be a wonderful thing if he fought for access to the kids. The judge will require him to sort out the drinking and drugs. You will gradually build up to overnight stays every other weekend. If he decides to change himself so that he is permitted unsupervised contact with his children surely that's a good thing?

Has he told you that he will "fight" for "full custody" and tell them you have mental health problems (I bet you are on anti-depressants or anti-anxiety stuff and have been quite depressed). This is total bollocks. See a solicitor, they'll tell you the true facts.

Original poster

MartinaMartini · 12/08/2016 22:24

They know he drinks too much (they've got eyes!) And that he drink drives regularly at home. I guess I've always held back on telling them about the cocaine as that'll be no going back then.

It's the idea of handing over young helpless children to him without my supervision that no harm comes to them that's made me just put up and shut up. I know it's not setting any kind for example to them of what a healthy relationship is though.

I tried to leave him when I was pregnant but decided not to and just hang on til baby was here because of the stress. Then when baby was born he kicked off that this one is fairer than the others (he's mixed race, I'm white so it can go either which way). Tried to kick him out then but he just wouldn't go.

OP posts:

Original poster

MartinaMartini · 12/08/2016 22:28

He hasn't said he'd want custody or residency...just what his mates have got (surprise surprise) ie every other wked. I'm not on anti ds. Just slowly getting my head in the right place. Have spoken to a solicitor who said it'll be my word against his about the drinking/ drink driving and drug taking unless I have any proof.

OP posts:

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