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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say don't bloody come

55 replies

MartinaMartini · 12/08/2016 21:49

In a nutshell (big nut...), Dh and I haven't been great for a couple for years now, to put it mildy. We have children togrther including a new baby. I'm currently on holiday with my parents and husband is supposed to come out to join us tomorrow. He cannot get more than 2 weeks off work hence me getting the head start away with the kids.

Anyway, I phoned him tonight and I asked him to make sure he emptied the fridge (left food in it last year which went mouldy) and to lock the cars and house (which he never does routinely as 'no one would ever break into his cars/ house') and got a tirade of abuse about 'being spoken to like a fucking child.'/'hasn't had to put up with my shit for a few weeks etc'

I'd said it all in a light hearted way but he just flipped which is characteristic of his behaviour....charming on one hand but drinks about 5/6+ cans of beer a night and is a recreational coke user.

Anyway...Ive told him not to come as tbh I haven't 'missed his shit' either . I've really enjoyed the head space away from him. I guess I'm asking, aibu for saying don't come (I've paid for the holiday) or could this be the time time I should really use to get my head straight to LTB?

OP posts:
e1y1 · 12/08/2016 22:30

Think how you feel now that he is not there with you, this is how you will feel when he is not there for good.

Think you should LTB. x

FoxesOnSocks · 12/08/2016 22:31

I guess I've always held back on telling them about the cocaine as that'll be no going back then.

Tell them. Making it real will stop the stress stopping you from what you really should do.

YouTheCat · 12/08/2016 22:31

It won't be your word against his regarding the drug taking. They can test him for drugs.

How old are the kids?

MartinaMartini · 12/08/2016 22:32

I'm not depressed in the slightest as am enjoying this precious time with my wonderful children without him in my ear.

Honeslty....I guess I'm just shit scared of ending my marriage and all the shit that will follow!

OP posts:
FoxesOnSocks · 12/08/2016 22:33

Did the solicitor tell you what proof you'd need to have?

MartinaMartini · 12/08/2016 22:33

They're 5, 4 and 3 months

OP posts:
e1y1 · 12/08/2016 22:34

Oh I am same as foxes too, that was my first ever LTB issue :)

Anonymouses · 12/08/2016 22:35

Try and get proof asap of the drinking and drug taking. Any photos, recorded conversations where he admits it etc. Use your time to sort your exit to give the best outcome for your family.

MartinaMartini · 12/08/2016 22:36

I'd need a drink driving conviction/ proof of alcohol purchase ie on online shop (achievable) or being caught in possession of drugs or failing a drug test. If he had to do a hair strand test he'd just shave his head. If I bubble him for drink driving I'll never get him out the house as he'll have no income to pay for anywhere else.

OP posts:
Lulabelle14 · 12/08/2016 22:38

Hey just wanted to say You don't need proof as such as if there is beyond reasonable doubt then the courts will order a drugs test, preferably hair strand(can be any hair - so shaving his head won't necessarily prevent it happening. There are children involved and safeguarding will(should) be the priority. Speak to your health visitor who should know the local agencies who can help support you x

PleaseNoMoreMinecraft · 12/08/2016 22:39

Cocaine doesn't stay in the system for very long though, does it? All he has to do is come off it for a few days (as opposed to weeks with cannabis) and the tests will come up negative. Definitely remember reading that somewhere - happy for someone with more knowledge to prove me wrong though!

wizzywig · 12/08/2016 22:39

Jeez girl. Please just leave. He sounds awful and your kids seem to be having a lovely holiday without him

PenguindreamsofDraco · 12/08/2016 22:40

Um, unless he gets a bit slap happy with the Immac, there will be hair in a number of testable areas other than his head...

MartinaMartini · 12/08/2016 22:43

Please - you're right. He knows this only too well from previous jobs he's done that it's only a couple of days till its out of his system.

OP posts:
MartinaMartini · 12/08/2016 22:46

Penguin - ha ha Wink didn't think of that!

OP posts:
MrsSchadenfreude · 12/08/2016 22:51

They can do a hair test for cocaine. And if he shaves his head, they can use body hair.

greathat · 12/08/2016 22:54

You need anyone that drinks that much and takes drugs away from your kids permanently

MartinaMartini · 12/08/2016 22:58

greathat - I know.

It's just the uncertainty of him getting unsupervised access that has made me stay.

OP posts:
acasualobserver · 12/08/2016 23:12

Why did you have the third child with him?

StrandedStarfish · 12/08/2016 23:16

Please can someone tell me what LTB means?

acasualobserver · 12/08/2016 23:19

Leave The Bastard

BengalCatMum · 12/08/2016 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MartinaMartini · 12/08/2016 23:40

Bengal - how funny! Grin Shows how stressed I am, I didn't give that a thought!

OP posts:
StrandedStarfish · 12/08/2016 23:47

Ty X

BengalCatMum · 12/08/2016 23:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.