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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked, angry and upset by this behaviour

33 replies

StillSmallVoice · 12/08/2016 11:58

DCs' granny has died. She was a regular Church of England churchgoer. Ex SIL has organised the funeral in a crematorium, with the Service to be taken by her daughter, who is not ordained or licensed to conduct Anglican funerals, so Granny isn't having a C of E funeral at all.

ExH and my DCs (who are young adults) weren't consulted on any of this, and have now been excluded from the funeral because they objected.

DD, who has some mental health issues anyway is absolutely devastated. She has withdrawn into herself and is unable to function, as far as I can see. I'm trying to support her, but at the moment there isn't much I can do except be there for her.

AIBU to be appalled at this behaviour from a couple of so-called 'Christians'?

OP posts:
MissElizaBennettsBookmark · 12/08/2016 12:09

Can your ExH organise a separate memorial service in a church so your DD can attend?

Original poster
StillSmallVoice · 12/08/2016 12:21

I have suggested that, and I think they will in due course. It's DD's reaction to it all which is concerning. She didn't go to work yesterday, and isn't answering her phone today. I suspect she is still in bed. I think I need to go over to her house and knock on the door.

OP posts:
JudyCoolibar · 12/08/2016 12:28

I don't think ex SIL has the right to bar anyone from the crematorium. Check with the managers.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 12/08/2016 12:30

Judy I think they can prevent people attending. You cannot prevent someone attending a church service (as in anyone can attend a wedding) but a crematorium doesn't qualify as a church. I have known funeral directors' staff keep people out at crematoriums where family want other family excluded.

ABloodyDifficultWoman · 12/08/2016 12:31

Can just anyone conduct a service at a crematorium then? Shock

PovertyPain · 12/08/2016 12:33

Go to the funeral. She has no right to bar anyone.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 12/08/2016 12:33

How horrible and inconsiderate of ex sil. I hope your daughter is ok op.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 12/08/2016 12:38

still if that is the case, do one set of family have more right to decide over another? I think it must be worth contacting the crematorium directly.

So awful for you, op Flowers

WeAllHaveWings · 12/08/2016 12:41

Sorry for your loss Flowers

It is for the immediate family (next of kin) to decide on the funeral service; maybe they feel strongly they want a humanitarian service (which this sounds like) so YABU to judge their choices in the funeral service they want for their mum. Your DH has a right to discuss with his sis but it wont be the first time siblings have disagreed on what each wants for funeral arrangements and your dc should keep out of it.

Your dd can go to the crematorium service, but she is best to ask her dad to let his sister know she will be attending and that she will behave appropriately on the day to take the stress off everyone.

If you dd is strongly religious herself she should go and discuss the situation with her or her grandmothers church and they will be able to assist her with her beliefs (perhaps a memorial service as suggested above).

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 12/08/2016 12:41

Does this lady's will support this? It would seem likely she would have left instructions for a C of E funeral? Who are the executors?

x2boys · 12/08/2016 12:42

My husband couldnt go to his sisters funeral last yr because of an argument and then a lot of lies told about him it was awful but we went up to the crematorium the day after so he could say his goodbyes i hope you sort something out as its something you cant ever get back.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 12/08/2016 12:43

Sorry - another thought - we had a very distressed family member years back unable to attend a C of E funeral in another part of the country, and one of the local vicars when we explained suggested that they visited her at the time of the funeral and did a kind of 1:1 read through of the service with her. We jumped at the offer. Would your dd benefit from that?

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 12/08/2016 12:44

Do you know what sort of service Granny wanted?

Maybe they are acting according to her wishes?

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 12/08/2016 12:46

Shipwrecked As far as the funeral directors (and crematorium) are concerned, they take their instructions from whoever is organising the funeral and paying them - which in this case, one assumes, is the ExSIL (who will have had to have the death certificate etc to do so).

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 12/08/2016 12:54

Such a shame that family arguments can bar people from being able to pay their last respects (although I can see that it must be a common thing for the directors to deal with)

scaryteacher · 12/08/2016 12:55

YANBU to judge their funeral choices at all. My Mum has made it very clear to me that she wants a requiem mass for her funeral, then she is to be cremated. The mass will obviously be in the church of which she is a stalwart member. I would not go against her wishes, and I am dismayed on your behalf that your ex SIL has made this choice, which on the face of it will not be in line with the wishes of the deceased.

Love your NN by the way - had that hymn at our wedding!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 12/08/2016 13:06

what a cunt your SIL is, really nasty

and she cannot ban you

You cannot even try and reason with someone as nasty as this TBH

agree you find a kind vicar and have them have a chat with your DD and say some prayers with her

so sorry op

ohtheholidays · 12/08/2016 13:22

So it's your ex husbands Grandmother that has died?If so then why the hell is the ex sil getting to say what happens?Or do you mean his sister as in your ex SIL?

Are any of his Grandmothers children still alive or her Husband?If they are surely they should be arranging the funeral?

Lorelei76 · 12/08/2016 13:26

so the lady's daughter has organised for a crematorium with no church involvement - and when the lady's son objected, he and his children were barred?

I feel as if there must be more here - to bar someone because they object to the funeral...?

were any funeral instructions left? I presume the daughter and son aren't close otherwise this could not have happened - when it comes to it, sis and I will be sorting this sort of thing together.

shillwheeler · 12/08/2016 13:27

Flowers Yes, I think it would be the (immediate) next of kin and person organising the funeral who gets to decide the format. And from memory their choice can even trump the expressed wishes of the deceased.

Quite what is moral in the circumstances is a different issue.

I think the suggestion that your DD makes her own memorial/commemoration is a good one, although I can see how hurtful the current crematorium arrangements would be in the circumstances.

Funerals are really about the living, and their relationship to the deceased. I do hope your DD can find some way of commemorating her grandmother, and take comfort in knowing that she is honouring her memory. That is the important thing. I like the idea of saying a paryer at the same time, possibly with a minister. Would another option be a commemorative service later? Or something else to commemorate her life (planting a tree and a blessing).

So sad that your DD is feeling excluded at this time. Funerals can bring out the best and worst in people.

frumpet · 12/08/2016 13:39

Is it possible that the funeral has been arranged to keep within a limited budget ? perhaps the Grandmother hadn't made any arrangements to cover the cost of a funeral and exSIL is trying her best with limited means ?

Not sure how much it costs to hold a funeral or service in Church or to have a vicar deliver a service at a crematorium , I presume it would cost something .

Did the Grandmother ever discuss her wishes with any of you regarding funerals ?

contrary13 · 12/08/2016 13:46

I didn't attend my Gran's funeral, partly because I knew her feelings concerning small children at them (and my daughter was 5 at the time), and partly because my father's brother's and one of their sons decided to threaten my safety if I showed up (because they knew damned well I wouldn't stand for them lying about how close they were to her, when I knew what had happened/been happening for the previous two years because of them, and that I won't stand for rewriting history!). So, effectively, we (and all of her friends... I think it was literally just four of my cousins, her three sons and the only wife who remained between the three of them, who were there... which is tremendously sad!) were barred from attending. It's more than possible to do so in a crematorium's chapel of rest.

Instead, my daughter and I had a quiet day where we lit a candle and burned letters which we'd written to her in its flame. My grandmother wasn't religious in the slightest, but it helped my daughter come to turns with her grief. Perhaps, OP, you/your ex-H and your daughter could do something similar to honour her granny?

tiggytape · 12/08/2016 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

contrary13 · 12/08/2016 13:47

*terms... I can spell, honestly!

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 12/08/2016 13:55

Would the vicar at her regular church do a memorial service for her? Like a funeral but without the coffin there, so that the prayers that match her belief will be said. I'm sure that she must have had plenty of friends in the church, as she was a regular, and the local community who would wish to attend that and I think it would be a comfort for your DD to have the service that she knows her GM would have wanted.

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