To be shocked, angry and upset by this behaviour

[StillSmallVoice]

DCs' granny has died. She was a regular Church of England churchgoer. Ex SIL has organised the funeral in a crematorium, with the Service to be taken by her daughter, who is not ordained or licensed to conduct Anglican funerals, so Granny isn't having a C of E funeral at all.

ExH and my DCs (who are young adults) weren't consulted on any of this, and have now been excluded from the funeral because they objected.

DD, who has some mental health issues anyway is absolutely devastated. She has withdrawn into herself and is unable to function, as far as I can see. I'm trying to support her, but at the moment there isn't much I can do except be there for her.

AIBU to be appalled at this behaviour from a couple of so-called 'Christians'?

[Mybugslife]

unfortunately, the client ie. the person signing to say the funeral can go ahead, signing the cremation paperwork and sorting the account is the person who funeral directors will take their directions from, this doesn't necessarily have to be the next of kin.
If she has said to her FD that ExH and DCs are not allowed to enter the crematorium chapel, he/she will not allow them too.

Is it worth you ExH chatting to his sister to attend anyway and then organising a memorial service in the church at a later date?

[StillSmallVoice]

Weallhave wings - DD is athiest but loved her Granny dearly. Granny was religious (C of E) and ex SIL goes to an independent bigoted evangelical church.

Stopfuckingshouting - SIL was always a cunt.

I think the idea of a memorial will be the best way forward for them.

Scary teacher - I think that is what I find so awful about the situation. She was an incense swinging anglo-catholic, and this is absolutely not what she would want.

(It is a really good hymn, isn't it. I found it very calming at a very difficult time in my life.)

Frumpet - money isn't a problem.

It's none of my business really. None of the family have spoken to me since the day I left the abusive ExH. But when my DD is so distraut it think it becomes my business.

Anyway - I went round to her house and hauled her out of bed and took her to lunch. She's feeling a bit better now. Her brother is also being an absolute star.

[confuugled1]

This is just making me wonder if somebody has two children, as seems to be the case here, who decides who is next of kin? How come it's SIL rather than her brother?

I'd also be asking to see the will (or getting ex to) to make sure that there are no funeral requests in there. And I'd be talking to the vicar too, to see if the granny had made any arrangements with him or discussed it with him, and see what he suggests. Partly practical - because if your ex MIL was religious, there's a good chance she might have said something to him/her, or might know if there's something that could be done so that there was something of your ex mil in there... He may well want to go himself if she was a longstanding loyal parishioner, even if the service isn't going to be his flavour. But also because, even if your dd is an atheist, the vicar might be able to say something to her that can help, as he's a lot more used to dealing with these sorts of situations than most of us.

The other person it might be worth talking to is the vicar/??? of the church that ex SIL belongs to - just in an 'advisory' capacity - and maybe you doing it on behalf of your dd so that there isn't any backfire on your dd or ex as a result of doing so. But maybe if she believes strongly in her church there might be somebody there that would be able to talk to her about how it might be easier for her to be a part of the congregation rather than leading the service, they might be able to appeal to her 'christian' values as they would be the same... And although it wouldn't be exactly the same it would at least be a christian burial rather than a humanist one - and one would hope the vicar might then invite the other vicar along to at least do a prayer too.

[contrary13]

confuugled - I may well be wrong, but I think it depends on who the individual nominates as their next of kin. So, if the OP's ex-SIL was down on the hospital notes as her ex-MIL's next of kin, it'll be her who legally gets to do all the funeral organising. Perhaps the ex-SIL lived closer than the OP's ex-husband to their mother?

[StillSmallVoice]

Update: ex SIL has backed down and booked a priest, so they will be going to the funeral. DD is much happier because it is what her Granny would have wanted.

I must say hat I was surprised that she could act unilaterally like that, but they were a pretty dysfunctional family, and I'm glad I don't have to deal with them any more.

But all's well that ends well, and thanks to all of you for your thoughtful comments

[ShipwreckedAndComatose]

Ah, that's so good to hear.

I hope this is the last of the difficulties, that your dd gets the time she needs to grieve and you can move on and away from this and SIL.

[StillSmallVoice]

Thanks, Shipwrecked. I married a very lovely new man five years ago. He comes from another country, but his family have embraced me and the DCs and welcomed them as part of the family. There are big issues with my kids and the baggage left behind, and problematic relations with their Dad sometimes, but I'm hopeful that in the end, all will be well.

[confuugled1]

Glad to hear that a priest has been booked and that your dd can go to the funeral - I hope she'll get lots of comfort from going (at least it should be more than being banned from going by her aunt!).

And glad to hear that you have found your Happy Ever After - long may it continue for all of you!