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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have expect a bit of sensitivity from DH?

59 replies

user1468847082 · 02/08/2016 11:57

My uncle recently passed away after the same illness that I lost my Mum to, DH was with me throughout both illnesses, and knows how upset I have been. Funeral will be on Weds and DH has the day off work. I assumed that he would spend the day with DD, rather than have her at the childminder but he still wanted to send her for some time - fair enough, we all need some time to catch up on things / do personal stuff.

HOWEVER, even though I am travelling 2.5 hours to the funeral, and therefore needing to leave at 7am in order to get there, he's still insisting that I get up and take DD to the childminder for that time in the morning before I go so he doesn't have to. I would normally be doing that on a working day but I am going to a fucking funeral! So sorry that my family member dying might cut into your "you" time. I am really angry about it.

AIBU to think it might have been nicer for firstly DD to be able to stay in bed a little longer when there's no need for the early morning, but also to take away just a tiny bit of stress on what will be a very hard day for me??

OP posts:
ayeokthen · 02/08/2016 11:58

YANBU, he is being a dick.

Original poster
user1468847082 · 02/08/2016 12:15

Yeah, that's what I thought. How depressing.

OP posts:
Karmin · 02/08/2016 12:17

What a twat

ayeokthen · 02/08/2016 12:17

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time OP, sounds like a wee bit of consideration would have gone a long way. Also, when do you get "me time"?

ParadiseCity · 02/08/2016 12:18

He is horrible. Why isn't he going to the funeral with you?

DoinItFine · 02/08/2016 12:19

If your kid is at childcare, why isn't he going with you?

He is really being a dick.

You've just lost your uncle.

I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

HeyMacWey · 02/08/2016 12:20

He is being a dick.

Agree with pp. He should be supporting you by going to the funeral.

Is he usually this unsupportive?

Amelie10 · 02/08/2016 12:20

Yanbu, he should be dropping her off and coming along with you. Why has he taken the day off if he is going to be useless.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 02/08/2016 12:23

Well he can't physically force you to take her.
Just leave at 7am to go to funeral as planned and he either has to take her himself, or keep her at home.

He's still a dick though

Original poster
user1468847082 · 02/08/2016 12:24

I apparently get "me" time on the train going to and from work each day, it's 1.5 hours there and the same back door to door. I think he thinks that because he gets up an hour earlier than me for work he's working harder - even though I'm out of the house for 12 hours a day and he's home after 9 hours.

He's not coming as someone needs to be around to collect DD after childcare, and to be honest after losing Mum less than 3 years ago I really just want to go with my sister. It would be less support for her if he came. I've been with him 5 years but they don't spend a lot of time together really and it will be a hard day.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1468847082 · 02/08/2016 12:27

Having said that, it would have been nice for him to have offered. And, when I suggested he take DD that day his response was "well I've got things I need to do too you know!". Not going to a funeral though is he? He's talking about going to the gym!

You're all right, he is a dick. His only real concern is if I'll be back in time for him to go and play football that evening, or does MIL need to come to look after DD. Can't stand MIL - what a lovely welcome home that will be. FFS.

OP posts:
HeyMacWey · 02/08/2016 12:27

I think you just need to say 'no'.
If he wants your DD to be at the childminders really then he can be the one getting up and taking her there.
Sorry that you're not getting the support you need at this difficult time Flowers

DoinItFine · 02/08/2016 12:29

His only real concern is if I'll be back in time for him to go and play football that evening

Confused

He does know that you will be having a long and very difficult day?

Why isn't he more worried about his grieving wife?

Amelie10 · 02/08/2016 12:30

Wow what a selfish idiot he is op!
The day should be about how he could support you and fit whatever else he needs to do around that . Sorry about your lossFlowers

AnyFucker · 02/08/2016 12:33

Your husband is a first class prick

petalsandstars · 02/08/2016 12:37

Don't take her - he is being a dick.

Goingtobeawesome · 02/08/2016 12:39

Everyone has said it. He's a prick.

So sorry for your loss.

trafalgargal · 02/08/2016 12:39

Just leave....let him sort her out.

honeylulu · 02/08/2016 12:40

Just say no. Just go. He can do the drop off.

logosthecat · 02/08/2016 12:41

Sad It is dick-like behaviour to act like that even when there are no other circumstances. To do it when someone is grieving is horrendous, unsupportive, selfish and uncaring.

JohnLithgowsLargeForehead · 02/08/2016 12:44

He's sounding worse and worse.. He really doesn't give a shit OP and is more concerned about his own needs, on a day when you're going to be feeling upset. He should be making the day easier for you so you don't have to worry about anything at home.

PersianCatLady · 02/08/2016 12:44

He is being a twat, you have more important things to think about on Wednesday.

Do you want me to come round your house and put him straight?

Original poster
user1468847082 · 02/08/2016 12:45

I feel better having vented, and been agreed with. He made me wonder because he seemed so shocked when I mentioned it might be easier if he took her.

Thank you all for the sympathy, it has actually helped. Never posted before, just lurked and read, didn't realise how helpful it would be to me.

I am going to take her myself, not to help him but to ensure she gets there without having had Wotsits for breakfast - it could happen. And then I'm going to switch my phone off and forget about him until I'm home. I won't forget this though, and wait until he needs me to do something for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1468847082 · 02/08/2016 12:46

PersianCatLady I'm sure he wouldn't know what hit him! Wink

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 02/08/2016 12:50

I won't forget this though, and wait until he needs me to do something for him.

I wouldn't go as far as to say leave the twat but based on your posts I'd give thought to the notion that he doesn't really give a shit about you and that you and your dd might be better off without him.