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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have expect a bit of sensitivity from DH?

59 replies

user1468847082 · 02/08/2016 11:57

My uncle recently passed away after the same illness that I lost my Mum to, DH was with me throughout both illnesses, and knows how upset I have been. Funeral will be on Weds and DH has the day off work. I assumed that he would spend the day with DD, rather than have her at the childminder but he still wanted to send her for some time - fair enough, we all need some time to catch up on things / do personal stuff.

HOWEVER, even though I am travelling 2.5 hours to the funeral, and therefore needing to leave at 7am in order to get there, he's still insisting that I get up and take DD to the childminder for that time in the morning before I go so he doesn't have to. I would normally be doing that on a working day but I am going to a fucking funeral! So sorry that my family member dying might cut into your "you" time. I am really angry about it.

AIBU to think it might have been nicer for firstly DD to be able to stay in bed a little longer when there's no need for the early morning, but also to take away just a tiny bit of stress on what will be a very hard day for me??

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/08/2016 12:50

You have caved ? Oh dear.

Does that happen a lot ? He spits his dummy out and you jump to obey ?

JohnLithgowsLargeForehead · 02/08/2016 12:51

Is he like this a lot OP or is it quite surprising? I say that because my DP is really lovely and has been for the last 8 years, then I lost my dad and on a few occasions he shocked me by having a go when I was at my most vulnerable. It was like an averse reaction to me being upset, like he had to distract me with him being a dick or something! It was strange and out of his normal behaviour.

Original poster
user1468847082 · 02/08/2016 12:57

I just don't think he's realised he's not a single guy with no responsibilities anymore. To be honest, I have on more than one occasion been very close to telling him to pack his bags since having DD - she's 10 months.

He can be very selfish at times and then he can be incredibly loving. He lost his Dad when he was 16 so I think he finds things like this hard to deal with - it's like since the initial sympathy for me was over he's finding it hard to acknowledge.

I'd rather save myself the argument while I'm feeling sad, and tackle it afterwards to let him know he selfish he was and that he made it all harder. Not really up to a massive row at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1468847082 · 02/08/2016 13:01

JohnLithgowsLargeForehead I am pretty surprised by this level of selfishness if I am honest. He does find it hard when I am upset sometimes and I think it's because it reminds him of how he felt when he lost his Dad. He was incredibly upset at my Mum's funeral and I know that was about his Dad (inevitably) rather than my Mum, which I understand. It's the proximity to losing Mum that makes this hard for me. He was young when he lost his Dad, went massively off the rails drinking etc. and I am not sure he has ever dealt with it in a healthy way. Actually only visited his Dad's grave this year for the first time and he died 20 years ago. Guess he's just struggling with it all again but that doesn't excuse his behaviour.

OP posts:
BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 02/08/2016 13:03

You could give her breakfast if you're worried about Wotsits.
He should get off his arse and take her.

JonahAndTheSale · 02/08/2016 13:09

That's not ok.

He should be doing his share of parenting.

Remember he's not helping you out, it's called being a parent.

Is he normally so thoughtless and uncaring?

I'd be having a serious talk about it when you get over your loss.

Sympathy to you.

PersianCatLady · 02/08/2016 13:09

PersianCatLady I'm sure he wouldn't know what hit him!
He wouldn't do it a second time, that's for sure.

Joking apart, please try and speak to him again and let him know how you are feeling.

Take care of yourself and be extra kind to yourself.

DoinItFine · 02/08/2016 13:11

How can the "initial sympathy" be over before the funeral?

It sounds more like he just doesn't give a shit.

Amelie10 · 02/08/2016 13:12

Op don't make excuses for him. What does taking her to nursery so you can leave at your own time have to do with his dad's death. It's not related, he is just a selfish person and you shouldn't excuse him based on that.

Amelie10 · 02/08/2016 13:12

Op don't make excuses for him. What does taking her to nursery so you can leave at your own time have to do with his dad's death. It's not related, he is just a selfish person and you shouldn't excuse him based on that.

Pearlman · 02/08/2016 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JudyCoolibar · 02/08/2016 13:17

Don't take her, you'll just be enabling him. Give her breakfast yourself, then walk out of the house.

chough · 02/08/2016 13:19

Do you want me to come round your house and put him straight?

Msqueen33 · 02/08/2016 13:24

For the sake of a lesson I would make him take her. She's his daughter too. If she has crisps for breakfast so be it but this is a good opportunity for him to step up. I'm so sorry for your loss. Especially having lost your mum in the same way. He could have asked to accompany you or even if not offered to sort out dd so it wouldn't be on your mind. Utter prize arsehole!!!

mamas12 · 02/08/2016 13:27

Well if I were you, even though you are worried about her having wot sits for breakfast it's just one morning, so concentrate on yourself for the whole day
Leave him to sort out his own daughter and then I would spend the night at your Dsis house so you dont need to see the mil or time it so you are as late as poss so he s there after his footie

cestlavielife · 02/08/2016 13:28

her having wotsits is very minor it wont hurt her in the long term.

please just get up and go and leave him to it.

after the funeral sign up for bereavement counselling - a good counsellor will also be there for you to open up about your relationship and where you want to go with it.

have him go separately to counselling too if he needs to address his father's death. it seems like it's an excuse he brings up?

ssd · 02/08/2016 13:32

I'm sorry for your loss op, but I'm even more sorry you are married to a first class dick

TheSkyAtNight · 02/08/2016 13:40

He sounds horrible. Is he normally emotionally supportive or is this in character?

So sorry for your losses.

BurningBridges · 02/08/2016 13:42

Do you think you might need to look at the relationship in a different light when this is over?

PersianCatLady · 02/08/2016 13:42

>
Fees for setting men straight -
£10 an hour for mildly stupid men
£20 for very stupid men
£30 for complete arseholes
(Severe cases may require more than one treatment)

Clarabell33 · 02/08/2016 13:42

Sounds awful OP, I am sorry for your losses.

Where does your sister live in relation to the funeral location? If you can leave DD overnight, I'd be very tempted to say you need to drive there tonight and spend the night with your sister as you need each other's support. Ask the childminder to give DD breakfast.

Original poster
user1468847082 · 02/08/2016 14:32

Clarabell33 We both live in the same place, we're traveling together up there.

cestlavielife he doesn't use losing his Dad for an excuse for anything, that's me not necessarily excusing him but rather looking for an explanation for this.

You're all right though, it's no excuse. I will be having a conversation with him about all this once I'm feeling better, a very serious conversation. He doesn't really do anything for DD if I am in the house, except play with her and watch her while I have a bath etc. That certainly needs to change - think this is just the last straw for me really. Serious conversation coming up and a big kick up the backside for DH! I can afford everything by myself, I don't need to be with him I just choose to be. He needs to realise that I'm serious now and shape up or ship out. I don't care which at this point, which is why I need to just wait until I am feeling better. Not the right state of mind to be making any big decisions at the moment.

Thank you all again, as I said this has really helped me clarify things.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1468847082 · 02/08/2016 14:33

PersianCatLady very reasonable rates those, does it cost more to dispose of the body afterwards?

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 02/08/2016 14:42

Oh OP I'm so sorry for your loss and the loss of your mom too Thanks

Yes, he's being a prize twat. Selfish, thoughtless and spiteful

PersianCatLady I would have thought the prices went down as the level of twattery increased, on account of you getting so much more pleasure from putting them straight

AnyFucker · 02/08/2016 14:49

You are making far too many allowances for him being a crap partner and a crap father

Why do you think his (ancient) grief trumps yours (recent×2)? You even managed to make your own mother's funeral all about him !

I wonder if you have been brought up in a culture that consistently puts men's feelings above female's. A culture that appeases men is a damaging one for your daughter. How would you feel if she ended up with a lazy, selfish prick like her father ?

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