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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset by neighbours control crying

72 replies

Notthinkingclearly · 30/07/2016 22:14

Next door neighbour had a little boy that has just turned one. For the last year she has spent nearly all her time with him attached to her in a sling or carrying him around. Had all nap times in sling or pushchair which I can totally relate to as I have had 2 poor sleepers although they did have to amuse themselves in highchair or playpen some of the time. She told me recently that she was fed up of cuddling him to sleep. Again I know what it is like as I still have a 6 year old that likes me to sit on the end of her bed! The last few weeks I can hear my neighbours baby crying for a very long tine. I wouldn't say anything to her but I find it really upsetting that he cries for such a long tine. It sounds like a very frightened cry and tonight it has gone on for an hour. AIBU to find this upsetting.

OP posts:

RNBrie · 30/07/2016 22:20

You don't really know what's going on in the house though. My very attached dd1 would cry for ages (at least 45 mins) before going to sleep despite being in my arms.

She might be trying all sorts of things to help him sleep, it doesn't mean she's necessarily doing controlled crying. Your imagination could be making it far worse than it is.

So yanbu to be upset at the the thought of controlled crying but yabu to be upset when you don't know that's what's definitely happening.

AliceInHinterland · 30/07/2016 22:28

I'm with PP, my son would cry for ages in the middle of the night while being held, rocked, or walked in the sling. I'm sure your neighbour is not letting her little boy suffer, but it must be hard for you to listen to.

Lesley1980 · 30/07/2016 22:30

unless you can see through walls you don't really know what's happening. My second screamed for a year & only stopped for food & sleep. A neighbour 2 houses away commented on her screams but 99% of the day I was carrying her.

Original poster

Notthinkingclearly · 30/07/2016 22:33

Sorry I should have added that she said she was going to try controlled crying. Bedroom window wide open so sounds very loud.

OP posts:

IthinkIamsinking · 30/07/2016 22:38

I did CC after a year of trying to rock/cuddle my twins to sleep when they wouldn't settle. Bedtime routine was hell on earth. What would you have recommended OP? You do what works for you and stop judging your neighbour.

Topseyt · 30/07/2016 22:38

You really don't know what is actually going on. Some babies are easily pacified, others are stubborn and appear to scream non-stop, driving parents to distraction. She could be going in and out to soothe a determined and confirmed screamer and you would not know.

When mine were that age (they are almost grown up now) I barely noticed the cries of other people's babies. I was too busy grappling with my own.

Topseyt · 30/07/2016 22:41

Also, I have no issue with controlled crying, personally.

It sounds as though your neighbour warned you of what she was about to do. Don't judge her.

Verticalvenetianblinds · 30/07/2016 22:42

Are you my neighbour?! My lovely ds is screaming for the sheer fun of it tonight? I'm at the point of 'fuck it, share the misery' so my whole street is getting the benefit of his lungs

99percentchocolate · 30/07/2016 22:42

She said she was going to try it, but you don't know that she actually has/is do you? With my DD I tried controlled crying. It lasted 30 minutes before I gave in and never tried it again. She screamed no matter what I did.

99percentchocolate · 30/07/2016 22:42

And I guarantee that she is finding it worse than you.

myownprivateidaho · 30/07/2016 22:55

What do you want, a medal for being so empathetic?

Dontyoulovecalpol · 30/07/2016 22:57

Yabu - none of your business

Mummyme1987 · 30/07/2016 22:58

I would make her a cake tomorrow and take it around and offer a shoulder to cry on. She's finding worse than you.

Lewwat · 30/07/2016 22:59

Yabu

Not your child. Not your place.
Stop being judgy

Zxzx · 30/07/2016 23:00

Y experience of controlled crying is that it's brilliant. It worked a treat with my 4 DC. With each one I was suprised at how fast they adjusted. Just think in a few days time he should be fine.

I think she could close the window though.

LaurieMarlow · 30/07/2016 23:01

I'm not sure what you're looking for from this thread OP.

Babies cry, sleep training can be tough, sometimes the neighbours have to put up with more noise than usual. Apart from that, what's your point?

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask · 30/07/2016 23:13

I'm with you OP - I'd find that very hard to listen to as well. I don't think that means you're judging, or don't realise the Mum might be feeling even worse.

Mind you I make no bones about thinking controlled crying is cruel. Of course it's sometimes the least bad option if parents are getting beyond the edge of sanity, and I'd never say never especially as I haven't had a full night's sleep for over two years but I don't think there's any point pretending it isn't horrible for all involved, including anyone else who has to listen. We're all programmed to respond to crying babies - listening and being unable to soothe them is awful!

ohtheholidays · 30/07/2016 23:18

Of course YANBU to find it upsetting,I'd feel exactly the same way it's a horrible feeling when you can hear a small child crying and there's nothing you can do.
I have 5DC and 3 of mine weren't good sleepers,our youngest DD8 still isn't she can have a whole night where she still sleeps like a newborn so were up and down with her all through the night.

Like another poster I tried the controlled crying once with my oldest and I couldn't do it.Hopefully for the baby's sake,your neighbours sake and yours it works for them after one night.

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask · 30/07/2016 23:19

Though thinking about it if it's been going on for the last few weeks It doesn't sound like controlled crying - as I thought the saving grace was meant to be that it works pretty quickly. So pps might be right that he's just a bedtime cryer or teething or something.

IJustAteTheKidsFoodAgain · 30/07/2016 23:35

After a year of it I don't blame her. I ferberized around the same age with dd2, never thought I would but I could no longer cope, now I try to judge less

Zxzx · 30/07/2016 23:46

Mind you I make no bones about thinking controlled crying is cruel

umm, thanks for that but surly it's no crueler than having a DC that can't fall asleep on it own and that feels 'abandoned' if they are left on their own. I used to pop my DC in their beds give them a kiss and cuddle and leave them to fall asleep on their own. I think they were happy and felt secure even if they were on their own. I'm convinced that my DC cried less, slept a million times better and were happier because of controlled crying. Maybe it was just my kids or maybe it was because I slowly worked towards controlled crying but I didn't think it cruel at all.

I know it's not for everyone but if you dissaprove of it I think it's really nasty to call someone else's parenting choices 'cruel'

YourNewspaperIsShit · 30/07/2016 23:56

YANBU to be upset by the sound, it's ingrained in us as parents I think. Total instinct to respond to a distress call. However she's probably breaking her heart over there so I'd give her some support if possible.

My DD was a screamer for about a year and I would sit on the stairs near her nursery bawling my eyes out silently because it was like she was in pain and i couldn't make it stop. She screamed the second I stopped standing over the cot even if I was in the same room. When I did CC I went in 10min intervals at first but you wouldn't have known. She's 4 now and if she cries or has a tantrum at bedtime and ends up going to sleep sad, I'm that traumatised from those early years that I still burst into tears in my room

DS however doesn't make a bloody peep

LifeInJeneral · 30/07/2016 23:59

Bear in mind the weather has been very hot recently so the baby may be too hot and uncomfortable making them cry more. My 6 month old came out in a horrible heat rash this week, been tossing and turning and really clingy and whingey. He is usually a good sleeper and doesn't cry much but the last 2 weeks he has cried for about an hour each night and not been able to fall asleep. It may be CC or the heat or a combination of both so I'd just cut her some slack and as PP suggested pop in with some treats ~(Wine)~ and see how she is coping because she probably needs the sanity...

Gileswithachainsaw · 30/07/2016 23:59

She carried him.in a sling for a yr? I'd have cracked months before.

Myob. She sounds Street if she's trying go do what's best and have everyone get some undisturbed sleep.

Give her a break. Sounds really tough on her.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 31/07/2016 00:02

I also think it's cruel. If your child is crying to be near you you should go to them. It's hard. I had years of sleepless nights. My little one never felt unloved and abandoned and now we're all sleeping well and it was all worth it.

OP, YANBU to be upset but there's really nothing you can do unless you know her well enough to point out that it's clearly not working.

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