To be upset by neighbours control crying

[Notthinkingclearly]

Next door neighbour had a little boy that has just turned one. For the last year she has spent nearly all her time with him attached to her in a sling or carrying him around. Had all nap times in sling or pushchair which I can totally relate to as I have had 2 poor sleepers although they did have to amuse themselves in highchair or playpen some of the time. She told me recently that she was fed up of cuddling him to sleep. Again I know what it is like as I still have a 6 year old that likes me to sit on the end of her bed! The last few weeks I can hear my neighbours baby crying for a very long tine. I wouldn't say anything to her but I find it really upsetting that he cries for such a long tine. It sounds like a very frightened cry and tonight it has gone on for an hour. AIBU to find this upsetting.

Meh, all about individual circumstances. CC worked for us in 2 nights.

Much less cruel, in my eyes, than the 4 months leading up to that using 'gentler' methods that got us nowhere - with DS crying half the night, tired Mum, exhausted baby, all round misery.

I also think it's cruel. If your child is crying to be near you you should go to them. It's hard. I had years of sleepless nights

So you and your kids had YEARS of sleepless night because you thought it cruel to CC. I think it's kinder to CC and to teach your kids how to sleep happily on their own.

You think YEARS of sleepless nights was less damaging than a few nights CC. Err okay. I preferred sleep for my kids and for me!

I did CC. Worked in two nights. Now have a happy healthy untraumatised nearly three year old who recognises when she's tired, asks to go to bed when she is so, and is able to go to sleep herself.

I live with my dd and dgd. I have never ever seen my dd do anything mean or cruel to my dgd, but even so, my dgd sometimes cries for ages and I start to wonder if I am wrong and my dd is some kind of monster, but I know I got and take a sneaky look in and there is dd beside her or holding her very gently.

My LO was fine, but thanks for your concern I like someone to snuggle up to at night, why shouldn't he? Also he was back to sleep within minutes, it was me having the sleepless nights.

I agree that if the situation is really bad like PND or having to work all day to keep a roof over your head then you have to do what you have to do. If it's just for a bit more sleep then you're not putting your child first.

If it's just for a bit more sleep then you're not putting your child first

Utter bullocks! Making a child dependant on your to be able to fall asleep is not better than teaching them to fall asleep by themselves.

As I said, my LO isn't dependent on me to fall asleep. People all learn to sleep by themselves. It's something animals naturally do. Would you lock your cat in a dark room by itself because it didn't sleep on command?

I realise people want to validate their parenting choices, but there's a reason government websites advise against CC, and a reason no decent nanny agencies allow it.

I realise people want to validate their parenting choices, but........

There's always a 'but' with your sort.

ALL parents try to validate their parenting choices. And often on forums like Mumsnet. I'm sure you've tried to validate a choice or two in your time.

justabouttosay

And what government websites are these exactly?

My LO was up every 45 mins at night wanting to be fed, rocked, bounced. She was constantly tired and wasn't reaching her milestones, her weight was dropping because she was too tired to eat/feed and cranky. I could barely function and we were both miserable. I did controlled crying and in a few nights I had a happy baby who slept through the night and napped well during the day. She said her first words, crawled and caught up with her milestones within a week of her sleeping well and independently. On top of that I could function, enjoy DD and get rest and relaxation at night. Admittedly controlled crying was hard but I was doing it for my baby and yes, also for myself. Why is it such a bad thing that a mum wants a bit more sleep? Why would I torture myself/DD for months or years of unhealthy sleep habits when it can be taught within a few nights in a SAFE way?

There are no credible studies that show CC is harmful in any way, in fact it's the opposite, studies have shown there is no short or long term damage on a child's emotional or mental state through CC. All of the studies that say it is harmful have been shit on and exposed.

Keep your judgements to yourself, no one cares for them and here have my first

Why are you having a go at the OP? She wouldn't dream of complaining to neighbour but still needs to vent her own frustration.

The fact that it's worse for neighbour doesn't stop OP's situation from meriting some understanding. It may be none of her business whether neighbour decides to use CC but she can't help her inbuilt responses to crying.

Show her some sympathy - you may sympathise with neighbour but it doesn't have to be an either /or situation.

🍪 OP

The OP says this has been going on for a few weeks, so clearly it's not the three-nights-of-hell-then-everybody-sleeps kind of CC that seems to work out well for some.

YANBU, OP - I'd be upset to hear a baby crying for an hour every evening too. You can't tell what's going on though - she could be trying all sorts of things by now including lying right there next to him.

(I mean, maybe she tried standard CC and it didn't work as advertised - as it doesn't for lots of babies - so she's gone on to trying other things?)

Ask her (in a non accusatory way) how it's going OP.

Does your username have anything to do with the situation in question BTW?

government websites advise against CC

What utter bollocks. In fact GPs and HVs frequently advise CC if older babies are still waking very frequently.

I can't link as on phone, but there's an nhs web page on controlled crying which says there is no evidence of any harm from cc.

I would find it upsetting, I can't imagine that your neighbour isn't also funding it hard. I would ask how she is doing

Maybe she is at her wits end and exhausted having carried a child everywhere and helped him sleep for over 365 days. If she wants to try and help her child and herself get some more restful sleep and wants to try controlled crying then that is up to her, and certainly none of your business.

Controlled crying involves going in at regular intervals so I doubt he is crying alone for an hour. Sometimes children have to learn to sleep and it can be hard to teach them. I would get over your judgey self a little.

I think you should read the full article. That study was deeply flawed and even with that consideration the scientists who ran it are annoyed at being misquoted. They do not recommend CC. They concluded there was no evidence of harm found from the reports parents provided themselves. These types of reports are notoriously unreliable.

Those who have used CC, you're not being attacked so do try to calm down. We're discussing whether someone is unreasonable for feeling a certain way, and some people feel the same way. Maybe a public forum where people give varying opinions isn't the place for you? And I do love the cry about people making judgements on a forum where we're specifically asked to make a judgement. That's the whole bloody point! But thank you for the cookie. I was hungry!

If the OP is upset by hearing a baby crying then it just shows she's concerned about a baby and I don't see how that's a bad thing.

Has the baby never cried for that long before? We haven't done full-on CC but there have still been lots of times the baby has cried for an hour, usually colic/wind (early on) and then teething (every single tooth....).

Not quite sure why the op is getting a lot of stick. She asked if she is unreasonable to find the neighbours cc upsetting.
I don't think she is, listening to babies crying isn't pleasant. She has already said she won't say anything to her neighbour.

I don't think you are being unreasonable op you have an opinion which with the exception of mn you are keeping to yourself.

iwasjustsbout I don't think you can claim the moral high ground on response when you saw fit to use very emotive language up thread when you described your DC as never 'feeling unloved and abandoned'.

There's a clear implication there, which you are well aware of, so don't tell those who used CC they aren't being attacked. You did the attacking.

IWasJustAbout
Those who have used CC, you're not being attacked so do try to calm down

I said I used CC very successfully with my 4 DC - I put a disclaimer that it wasn't for everyone/every child etc then you posted that you thought CC was CRUEL . If that's not an attack I don't know what is. I have no problem with people disagreeing with me but to accuse CCers and therefore me of CRUELTY is offensive.

Did your YEARS of sleepless nights make you tetchy

justabout

Still waiting for these many government websites.....?

Before you start spouting shit please do read articles properly yourself before requesting others to do so.

The study is peer reviewed and not some mediocre done-at-home study you're trying to make it out to be..

theconversation.com/mondays-medical-myth-controlled-crying-damages-babies-brains-11665

The scientists were annoyed at Daily Mail etc recommending that a parent simply dumps their child in a room and doesn't return until 7pm, that is what they of course do not recommend. The study was conducted using the proper controlled crying method of responding to your baby in timely intervals not just leaving them all night. Establishing a good, predictable, solid bedtime routine prior so the baby knows what it needs to do (sleep).

I suggest you dig a little deeper when doing research, for someone who's so vocal and judgemental, you really don't know much. There is one study where cortisol levels in children was shown as increased by leaving them to cry. What the conductor failed to mention is that the study was carried out in a Romanian orphanage where children's basic needs had not been met for months sometimes years. There simply wasn't enough staff to respond when babies/children were hungry, wanted comfort, hurt themselves etc. Controlled crying was not even practised on these poor children they were literally just abandoned and seen to briefly to be given food and have a quick clean. Of course there cortisol levels are going to be higher. Her work was discredited fairly quickly, all other research conducted on proper Controlled crying has suggested not only is it an excellent method to get babies sleeping through the night quickly, but it also poses no danger whatsoever to their wellbeing.

I completely understand CC isn't for everyone and that's fine, you do you. But for me and millions of others who were on the brink of insanity and depression with babies who hadn't slept longer than 2 hours for months on end, it's a god send. Me and DH always say it was the best and worst thing we've ever done. Of course hearing my baby cry was soul destroying but I knew it was for our families good and most importantly, hers. I personally think it's selfish to deprive your child of good quality sleep and not teach them how to self settle until they're 5! What if you died, that poor baby wouldn't have a clue what to do at night time. DD doesn't like going to the doctors and getting poked and prodded but I still take her because it's for her own good, you can't make parenting choices just for short term.

And I personally love having the evenings to myself and a peaceful nights sleep without something suckling on me!

Honestly who really cares about government studies

Truth is many people have other Hildenborough or jobs that require a lot of concentration or have alot of driving to do. Where months of no sleeping just aren't an option.end of.

Sleep is as important as food and water with babies and children. It affects their development just as it would if you didn't feed them enough.

People need to function.