Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or is dh

53 replies

redwinerequired · 27/07/2016 18:59

Posted on chat but got no response so taking aibu plunge.

I get up at 6.30, get everything ready for kids for school, get them ready, 2 DC, one with adhd, need to leave about 8.15 to get youngest to childcare and then on to school for eldest. I need to be ready before she gets up, otherwise it's too difficult she just stops getting ready if one of us not around. DH gets up around 8 am, sorts himself out and leaves for work. He can't get up any earlier because he's tired. He doesn't see a problem as he "needs to rest". Possibly because he hasn't gone to bed until silly time in the morning.

My problem is

1, this means he goes into work later, which means he's home later, and children are in Childcare, albeit with family, for longer than they need to be.
2, I just don't think it's fair he gets a lie in every day! He also sleeps in at the weekend.
3, DH used to do school run, we had to swop because he got so stressed by it and DD was late to school which seriously annoyed me. I got a new job which enabled me to do school morning run. I expected him to be available in evenings, he agreed, but that hasn't happened. He does pick them up around 6, but he could pick up at 4.30 and they could have some down time at home.

Had huge argument this morning, he thinks there isn't a problem, I do. But aibu?

OP posts:
Amelie10 · 27/07/2016 19:03

Yanbu at all. You are working too! If you were a sahm then I would say Yabu, but he needs to pull his weight too. If you do it in the morning then he needs to step up during the afternoons.

RichardBucket · 27/07/2016 19:05

YANBU. What a twat he is, thinking it's optional to look after his own children. You're not a built-in babysitter but his partner.

I suggest you wait for a few pages of replies then show him this thread. Might be a wake up call. Smile

Boosiehs · 27/07/2016 19:06

Yep. Total twat OP. You ANBU. He is.

NavyandWhite · 27/07/2016 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoreenLethal · 27/07/2016 19:12

What is the point of him, exactly?

ChunkyMonkey4321 · 27/07/2016 19:12

YANBU - it's not asking too much for him to wake up 30/60 minutes earlier and go to work earlier, you're doing more than your fair share with the kids. We sort out one each and take each one to school/nursery

VimFuego101 · 27/07/2016 19:14

YANBU at all - you should work on opposite shifts if possible to minimize the amount of time your children spend in childcare. Even if it is with family, whoever is doing the looking after will probably be tired and appreciate him getting there earlier. If it were me I'd be inwardly seething if I was providing an extra 90 mins of childcare so he could have a lay in (even if they were my grandchildren/neices/nephews). I'd stop being so quiet in the morning and make sure he wakes up at the same time as you so you reset his sleep patterns!

deathtoheadlice · 27/07/2016 19:15

Not fair at all. He needs to step up and do half the parenting! we have a milder version of this at our house, but other household stuff plays a role too. Does your dh do more cleaning than you? Who cooks? Who washes up?
Hope you can work it out. It's just impossible not to resent this kind of thing.

PoppyFleur · 27/07/2016 19:20

YANBU.

This is how resentment builds up in a relationship and over time it reaches a point where it's almost impossible to salvage the relationship.

You need to address this now OP, is your DH a reasonable person & would see your point of view?

puglife15 · 27/07/2016 19:21

How much "downtime" (incl time in bed) does he get per week vs you?

Work it out and show him.

CalleighDoodle · 27/07/2016 19:22

Holy cow he is selfish and lazy!

I agree a reset might be needed, to completely break the lazy habit.

Tell him the new earlier time the children now need to be collected by and that it is his job to get them on time, as previously agreed.

Original poster
redwinerequired · 27/07/2016 19:26

I am not quiet about it! He has always been slow in the mornings which is why it was difficult for him to get kids to school. He has asked parents to keep them later so he can exercise. He is over weight, but he's gone to gym about once since April. I don't think either set of parents are thrilled they're effectively looking after his children because he can't go to bed at a decent time and get up.

I do all laundry, he mainly cooks but not exclusively. I will clean and tidy as I go, he won't. So kitchen a mess, clothes on bathroom floor, towel, wet left on bed. I got a cleaner, he will help tidy before she comes, but complains about having to do this and thinks she should do it. Have pointed out she doesn't know where stuff goes and I'm paying her to clean not tidy.

I sort all finances, he's hopeless with money and not allowed a credit card so I can keep an eye on spending, bit he still spend too much, on rubbish generally, and food.

OP posts:
SaggyNaggy · 27/07/2016 19:29

Another man that doesnt do his fair share because he knows his mummy partner will wipe his arse for him.

It makes me wonder how these lazy, useless, bone idle "men" manage to hold down a job.... Might it be because at work they can't get away with it? Because they'd be bollocked and shown the door?

Creatureofthenight · 27/07/2016 19:31

YANBU. He should get up earlier.
And he should be sharing more household/ family tasks with you.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 27/07/2016 19:43

He sounds immature and rather spoilt.

You need to have a serious chat and his parents need to put their foots down because you're all colluding to give him a hassle-free life.

He doesn't get to pick the kids up later than 4.30 if he hasn't visited the gym. That's taking advantage. He doesn't get to leave for work without having got any children ready. He doesn't get to arrive in work when he feels like it and not when he agreed to be there. He doesn't get to sit up until the early hours when he has responsibilities the next day.

I don't know how you're not only putting up with it but playing all, catching all the balls he's dropping. Start drawing some boundaries.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 27/07/2016 19:44

playing along

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 27/07/2016 19:56

He sounds an absolute waste of space twat. I'd be inclined to tell him to man up or fuck the fuck off. Harsh, but I've had a bad day...

KatharinaRosalie · 27/07/2016 20:01

So what's his argument? 'Yes I think it's totally fair that I get a lie-in every morning and you don't get any, ever'?

AyeAmarok · 27/07/2016 20:04

He doesn't sound like much of a partner OP Sad

YANBU. He sounds like a lazy selfish arse.

Merimum · 27/07/2016 20:09

No way would I put up with that Op, it's completely ridiculous!!

Original poster
redwinerequired · 27/07/2016 20:09

This morning and last night I was so cross with him I couldn't speak. I did think about telling him to go and live with his parents for a bit, but I don't think that would be fair on his mum.

Gone - I'm shattered, my parents and friends are furious. I do keep saying what I want he just doesn't see it as important and says I nag. I tried to explain kids bed down time after school/being looked after by GPs, which they can only get at home. He told me I was talking rubbish, even though DD really does need that space, but she is difficult in that space. It's something she needs to do sometimes.

I'm not sure how to keep having the same conversation as it doesn't feel like he listens/takes anything on board

OP posts:
MarklahMarklah · 27/07/2016 20:12

HIBVU

If he's tired from staying up late, he needs to go to bed earlier. He is supposed to be an adult. I think you need to set some boundaries so that work is divided up evenly.

Just a passing though - you've mentioned a child with SN, does DH have any? If he's messy, disorganised and slow to do things, he could be dyspraxic. Or he could just be a lazy arse.

Scotmumof2girls · 27/07/2016 20:13

YANBU put your foot down and tell him some facts of life or to get he heck out (in all honesty your doing it without him) and might just scare him into action and if it doesn't then some hard decisions to make but regardless he is out of order on every level - chin up you're obviously doing well to cope with it all x

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 27/07/2016 20:22

Have you simply tried telling him that he's being selfish and other people cannot indefinitely drive themselves to do his share? That his parents just won't have the kids after that time because he'd abused the agreement? That you simply won't get child A ready because it's too stressful to do everyone?

Original poster
redwinerequired · 27/07/2016 20:31

We both suspect he has adhd.I found strategies to help, I.e. routine, lists to do, but he argues unless it's something he likes or tells me to wait. Also says he can't do routine, it's not him. I've had to fight really hard to get the routine we've got.

Some shelves took over 3 months, parties get lots of time and attention. He can't prioritise effectively, he tells me I'm controlling when I point this out. Work have also criticised him for this. He went to GP, very unhelpful and he hasn't been back. I have asked him to go.

Kids love him, he's lots of fun, whereas I'm boring running around doing everything.

OP posts: