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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu or is dh

53 replies

redwinerequired · 27/07/2016 18:59

Posted on chat but got no response so taking aibu plunge.

I get up at 6.30, get everything ready for kids for school, get them ready, 2 DC, one with adhd, need to leave about 8.15 to get youngest to childcare and then on to school for eldest. I need to be ready before she gets up, otherwise it's too difficult she just stops getting ready if one of us not around. DH gets up around 8 am, sorts himself out and leaves for work. He can't get up any earlier because he's tired. He doesn't see a problem as he "needs to rest". Possibly because he hasn't gone to bed until silly time in the morning.

My problem is

1, this means he goes into work later, which means he's home later, and children are in Childcare, albeit with family, for longer than they need to be.
2, I just don't think it's fair he gets a lie in every day! He also sleeps in at the weekend.
3, DH used to do school run, we had to swop because he got so stressed by it and DD was late to school which seriously annoyed me. I got a new job which enabled me to do school morning run. I expected him to be available in evenings, he agreed, but that hasn't happened. He does pick them up around 6, but he could pick up at 4.30 and they could have some down time at home.

Had huge argument this morning, he thinks there isn't a problem, I do. But aibu?

OP posts:

deathtoheadlice · 27/07/2016 20:34

This sounds intolerable.
While we have a bit similar re mornings, and I've felt that dh gets more time for himself than I do, he cleans more than me including both bathrooms, sorts all the bills, tidies, does 98 percent of the laundry, and when I get too frustrated he does do a spell of getting up and helping sort dc in the mornings. Then it slowly reverts until I get mad about it again. We share cooking and whoever puts the dc to bed doesn't wash up. Would your dh take on other stuff instead of sharing mornings and if so what would you be happy with?

If his attitude is just that you should do way more than him because he has a Y chromosome then that is bullshit. Ditch him with all duties all of every weekend till he comes around, or boot him out for a bit? What do the parents tell him?

RiverTam · 27/07/2016 20:36

What positives does he bring to your relationship? If they don't massively outweigh this huge list of negatives I'd be telling him cheery bye. He sounds like an utter dead weight.

Original poster

redwinerequired · 27/07/2016 20:38

I have told him. The only thing that made him listen was when I said I was so frustrated I felt like self harming. This was at Christmas and he did pull his finger out for a bit. I'm fine now and don't feel that way. But it was a wake up for him as I have been very unwell in the past, long time ago. I popped back to therapy for a bit and that helped so I'm back on an even keel, but it takes me saying major things for him to make changes but they don't last.

I should say he has improved. Parents used to come and collect DD to take her to preschool, she wasn't even dressed half the time, or they'd be in fancy dress dancing around the house when parents arrived.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/07/2016 20:39

"This morning and last night I was so cross with him I couldn't speak. I did think about telling him to go and live with his parents for a bit, but I don't think that would be fair on his mum. "
Whether it's fair on her or not is NOT your concern. It will be as fair on her (and FIL) as they make it. Their house, their rules. And they'd be well advised to make it as bootcamp as they could because their son needs to grow the fuck up.

Seriously, he sounds as if the only thing he adds to your home is work, picking up after him.

You need to do something different from how you're currently handling it. As the saying goes, 'If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got'. And you are not happy with what you've currently got. (Nor should you be.)

Original poster

redwinerequired · 27/07/2016 20:43

His mother tells me one thing and him another. She will do anything for her children, even if it's to her detriment. He's gone too far once and she said she was unhappy. He sent DD to her but didn't go to work and had a day on sofa playing computer games, watching TV. She was furious and rightly so. He didn't really understand her anger though and said, but I thought you wanted to spend time with her. How she didn't knock his block off for that comment I'll never know.

OP posts:

SaggyNaggy · 27/07/2016 20:49

I've said this a lot on MN but its a simple view and one I hold dear.

Are ypu happy op? Is this situation making your life better or worse?
It sounds like your oh is making your life much much worse and stressful. It sounds like you're very unhappy. You have to think, is ypour life worth so little that you're willing to keep making his easier?
Or is ypour life worth more?

MaryMargaret · 27/07/2016 20:54

I could knock his block off for you right now!! Have you told him you "will" (ie have) lose respect for him if he can't act his age?

deathtoheadlice · 27/07/2016 20:56

Your life is worth more.

deathtoheadlice · 27/07/2016 20:57

Not only will you lose respect but sympathy and sexual attraction too!

RubbleBubble00 · 27/07/2016 21:33

I'm guessing he has adhd too. So many traits scream out.

RubbleBubble00 · 27/07/2016 21:37

You have my sympathy. It's only my adhd husband working away that I don't strangle him at times.

Original poster

redwinerequired · 27/07/2016 21:59

Rubble that made me laugh. Do you have any tips for managing adhd husband?

I think I am so fed up because it doesn't feel like a partnership. I also know that he does not want to make me unhappy but doesn't see why I get stressed or upset about these things because he doesn't see them as important.

Thanks to everyone for their responses as he argues so vehemently against me, I become certain I must be wrong.

OP posts:

SaggyNaggy · 27/07/2016 22:10

I also know that he does not want to make me unhappy

So he's off to the drs tpo get help and guidance to cope with his problem? After all he thinks he has ADHD too right?

he argues so vehemently against me, I become certain I must be wrong.

If he believes he may have ADHD and wanted to make your life easier then why is he arguing so much? Why isn't he understanding his issues are his issues and are colouring his judgement?

I think ADHD is an easy excuse for him to throw out to cover the fact he's idle and it suits him down to the ground. If he has issues, they're his issues and if he refuses to deal with them and get them diagnosed then ypu need to decide if you can live like this.

JellyBelly89 · 27/07/2016 22:21

I don't understand people who go to bed late then moan they're tired. Work out when you need to get up, then count backwards approx 8 hours. It really isn't rocket science! My current job is so far from home I get up at 4.45. 8am... That'd be the biggest lie in I've ever had.

NoFanJoe · 27/07/2016 22:25

He's being totally unreasonable, no wonder you're so angry.
I don't understand how you can keep having arguments about it yet him still maintain there isn't a problem. For me, his not seeing that is a problem all in itself.
I'm guessing that he's sleeping late simply to avoid things because he too finds the situation too stressful to deal with. After all, if he used to do the school run then he used to be able to get up earlier. So maybe him facing the problem rather than hiding is what's needed.

buckingfrolicks · 27/07/2016 22:29

every single time I see a thread title like the OP's I know the answer is going to be YANBU - and that what will be described is some lazy arse selfish git of a partner not pulling his weight, and a hard working woman feeling guilty because she's not happy.

He's a knob. You're doing Far Too Much. YANBU

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 28/07/2016 08:54

Can't he see that it's important when the children are late for school and important when other people that he's meant to care about are working so he doesn't have to? He gets 'too stressed' to get the kids ready yet he won't help you now you're stressed about it because he doesn't understand?

He's spoilt. Looks like he doesn't understand when it's convenient not to understand. He doesn't understand consequences for others. What if you had said to him 'tough, i don't see what the problem is, get on with it' instead of 'ok I'll get all the kids ready for school every day'? Sounds like it's what he would have done.

But he doesn't have to understand anything beyond the fact that x,y and z are your new boundaries and you will not be shouldering all the burden of this going forward. He's not a special snowflake you know. He's just spoilt.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 28/07/2016 08:56

Arguing vehemently or throwing a tantrum?

happypoobum · 28/07/2016 09:00

Ugh! What a baby he is!

Swap him for tax credits.

MarcelineTheVampire · 28/07/2016 09:14

I have an ADHD DP and it is frustrating at times but I have found the following link quite helpful:

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/add-adhd/adult-adhd-attention-deficit-disorder-and-relationships.htm

He needs to take responsibility for his condition and go to the GP if necessary. Continuing as he is will be a miserable life for you and that isn't fair.

for you OP as I think you need them.

MarcelineTheVampire · 28/07/2016 09:15

I have an ADHD DP and it is frustrating at times but I have found the following link quite helpful:

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/add-adhd/adult-adhd-attention-deficit-disorder-and-relationships.htm

He needs to take responsibility for his condition and go to the GP if necessary. Continuing as he is will be a miserable life for you and that isn't fair.

for you OP as I think you need them.

Original poster

redwinerequired · 28/07/2016 09:25

Thank you for the flowers and the thread has been really helpful. I agree he's spoilt. He thinks about what he needs to do and what his needs are. He would object to that because he does do things with the children. But they are the fun things, e.g. He doesn't ask DD to do homework or music practice, so I'm always associated as the dull parent.

He knows I am very cross so he has got up the past two mornings. But I have to get so very cross with him that the children notice and then become difficult, particularly DD as she is very protective of him and will start hitting out at me. So they think I'm causing all the grief when I'm tired and frustrated because he's not pulling his weight and they obviously don't see that just fun daddy being told off again by grumpy mummy.

I think I will have to insist he goes back to GP and sees someone different. Thanks for the link I will check out out.

OP posts:

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 28/07/2016 13:58

Sounds like you're nagging, OP. You don't have to be controlled into doing that. You can very nicely state your boundaries and pleasantly point out what that means for him. Rather than your children seeing you being annoyed, you can pleasantly explain it to them as well. If your DH sees your DD believing the best of him and expecting him to rise to the challenge, he may be more motivated to do it.

You don't need to nag because he's spoilt. You don't need to fill in for him. You don't need to speak crossly - those are all your choices. The sky won't fall in if things get a bit chaotic and some consequences catch up with him.

Original poster

redwinerequired · 28/07/2016 20:43

I like that idea, but not sure how to do it. I want him to get up, there are no consequences if he chooses not to. But instead of shouting at him I could calmly say please get up and help with the children so I'm not so tired, or please get up and go to work so the children can spend some time with you later? is that the type of thing you mean? Sorry if I'm being a bit thick I have got stuck in a rut with this.

OP posts:

TheWernethWife · 28/07/2016 22:22

Cannot understand how these husbands turn into lazy idle twats as soon as they get married - surely there were some clues along the way.

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