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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to invite her, but with a catch?

71 replies

cookie4640 · 25/07/2016 17:13

So, I'm getting married next year and feel as though I should invite one of my oldest friends. (Although right now we aren't that close) Small problem, she's an alcoholic. She has a real problem, she's not just a piss head.
Every time I've been out with her she ends up in a complete state and I have to look after her. Her outfits get ruined, she gets injured, it's just a nightmare. She can do a dry run, about a month at the most before it all comes back round full circle. If she comes, AIBU to stipulate that she must not drink?
She won't have a plus one with her and I'm fearful that I'll end up sorting her out whilst she's fallen into a hedge / getting off with the band dancing naked/ vomiting in my shoes....
Don't bash me for asking, she's had and still has all the help in the world to try and get this under control. WWYD?

OP posts:
monkeywithacowface · 25/07/2016 17:16

I'd just not invite her and gently explain why. I honestly wouldn't risk your wedding day on this.

Haggisfish · 25/07/2016 17:20

Yabu for the simple fact that she won't be able to not get drunk if she has s problem. Only solution is either not invite her or assign a minder.

MrsJoeyMaynard · 25/07/2016 17:21

Unless it's a dry wedding, with no alcohol available, how can you stop her?

Not drinking at a wedding when almost everyone else is can make people feel left out, even if they're a long way away from being an alcoholic. There'll be a huge temptation for her to "just have one drink" which could easily lead to another, and another, and another....

I can understand you wanting to stipulate this, but it just doesn't sound very practical.

Imnotaslimjim · 25/07/2016 17:22

From experience, I'd just not invite her. I was left with no choice, the alcoholic was my brother and my mum insisted I let him come. He promised he wouldn't drink but he was wobbling before I even got to the church. It ended with him hitting a cousin and me walking out of my own wedding reception! You don't want the onus of having to take care of her on your wedding day, it's stressful enough!

GoldQuintessenceAndMyrrh · 25/07/2016 17:23

Dont invite her, and explain why in a nice way. But be prepared for the friendship to change (more). Maybe this is the kick she needs to get sorted.

Dont enable her by assigning a "minder". Who would want that "job" anyway?

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 25/07/2016 17:23

AIBU to stipulate that she must not drink?

Yeah, because asking alcoholics not to drink has a proven record of success.

RedHareWithBlondeHair · 25/07/2016 17:24

Don't invite her. In fact you'd be doing her a favour by not as inviting an alcoholic to a wedding is basically going to be a free for all. Not worth the added stress and hassle.

Floggingmolly · 25/07/2016 17:25

If she's an alcoholic; no promise not to drink will be worth a curse.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 25/07/2016 17:26

Don't invite her, she WILL get drunk.

YeOldMa · 25/07/2016 17:29

Could you perhaps invite her to the ceremony but not to the bash? Explain why. The last thing you want to be doing is worrying about her on your wedding day.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 25/07/2016 17:30

You said you're not close now, don't invite her.

Shizzlestix · 25/07/2016 17:34

Don't do it. You'll be shitting yourself all day that she'll get pissed and ruin the day. If necessary, explain to her but be firm when she swears she'll stay sober.

My aunt has spoken to my DM on several occasions and made her promise to stay sober. One time, it didn't work and the evening was ruined for all of my side of the family when she demanded to go home (so she could drink more in private)

lillyconnor · 25/07/2016 17:37

Don't invite her. That isn't unreasonable at all since she could well ruin the most special day of your life and you will never ever forgive her if she does

greenfolder · 25/07/2016 17:44

No. Her feeling a bit put out about not being invited comes nowhere near you and dps happiness on your wedding day. Put it this way, you value your friendship too much to risk putting her in this position.

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/07/2016 17:54

invite a plus one, so her friend/lover/partner etc can sort her out if need be

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF · 25/07/2016 17:57

The more pressure you put on her not to drink, the more likely she will. If she is seriously addicted to alcohol, a wedding is probably the last situation she needs to be if she is in the very early stages of recovery/going through a 'dry spell'. It really depends how close the two of you are and whether you can be honest about your concerns. As a recovering alcoholic, and with the benefit of hindsight, I would suggest not inviting her but explaining why. If she does come, the readily available booze will be extremely hard to resist and could result in the scenarios you are concerned about. Not being invited may be a small (or big) step in realising how much alcohol is having an impact on her life, relationships, etc.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/07/2016 17:59

She is an old friend but you are no longer close. On that basis alone, I would hesitate to invite her. Then, you are inviting an alcoholic to an event where alcohol will probably be repeatedly offered to her. Not maliciously; just as a matter of course by waiters, friends, others sitting at the same table trying to be hospitable. That's an intolerable burden, to expect her to constantly decline. Even a bit cruel to put her in that position. Sad

No I would not do that to her. Best to not invite in the first place.

AcrossthePond55 · 25/07/2016 18:09

Please stop generalizing about alcoholics and drinks. My brother is a recovering alcoholic. He attends plenty of events where alcohol is (copiously) served and consumed as he is a musician and very into going to jazz gigs. And he doesn't drink one drop. Why? Because his sobriety means more to him than the drink. And he's not alone in being able to say 'No' for that reason. I am so proud of him. He has more strength in his little finger than I have in my whole body.

BUT if your friend is activity drinking, I wouldn't invite her. To assign her a 'minder' would be a thankless task for the minder and probably wouldn't work. What would the minder do? Drag her kicking and screaming away from the bar? And I wouldn't offer an explanation of why I wasn't inviting her either, unless she rings and asks. Then I'd tell her straight out in no uncertain terms that it's because she's a drunk.

straightouttacompton · 25/07/2016 18:11

No you can't stipulate that. Don't invite her.

I don't really think you're friends anyway, given your opinion of her.

purplefox · 25/07/2016 18:11

I wouldn't invite her.

BigApple11 · 25/07/2016 18:13

I agree. Don't invite her

PotteringAlong · 25/07/2016 18:14

My brother is a recovering alcoholic

And when he wasn't? How much control did he have then?

RuggerHug · 25/07/2016 18:14

Another one saying don't invite her. Sorry. It's not worth the stress of wondering for the say if she will drink.

gillybeanz · 25/07/2016 18:15

Don't invite her and tell her why.
You aren't that close so if she is offended then she might actually do something about it and seek help.
Knowing she is missing out on things she'd enjoy might just be the incentive she needs.

SlowJinn · 25/07/2016 18:16

An active alcoholic isn't going to make it through an entire wedding without having a drink, and even if she doesn't obviously drink the alcohol there, you can be sure she will have a secret supply somewhere. It's very sad to see someone in the grip of an addiction, but she has to want to get well, and while she is still drinking, then don't invite her. If she asks why she has been left off the guest list, tell her that you know she will struggle not to have a drink and it's not fair on her or you and your husband