AIBU to invite her, but with a catch?

[cookie4640]

So, I'm getting married next year and feel as though I should invite one of my oldest friends. (Although right now we aren't that close) Small problem, she's an alcoholic. She has a real problem, she's not just a piss head.
Every time I've been out with her she ends up in a complete state and I have to look after her. Her outfits get ruined, she gets injured, it's just a nightmare. She can do a dry run, about a month at the most before it all comes back round full circle. If she comes, AIBU to stipulate that she must not drink?
She won't have a plus one with her and I'm fearful that I'll end up sorting her out whilst she's fallen into a hedge / getting off with the band dancing naked/ vomiting in my shoes....
Don't bash me for asking, she's had and still has all the help in the world to try and get this under control. WWYD?

I couldn't invite my DF to my wedding due to his alcoholism. I knew he would get all maudlin and ruin it for everyone.

Don't invite her or do what PP have suggested and just allow her to come to the ceremony (unless it's late afternoon, in which case she will already be loaded)

VestalVirgin, so you wouldn't have alcohol at the wedding because one guest can't control herself?

this: (by the way, I think she has a right to attend the ceremony as it is public)

"Could you invite her to the service/ceremony? But say you're not inviting her to the party as you know it would be too difficult for her but arrange a nice meal/lunch with her and your DP so she can share the celebrations that way. (This is assuming that she knows she is an alcoholic)."

vestal I'm sure, as you don't drink, your post was meant with the very best of intentions, but as someone who smuggled alcohol into work daily (as a supermarket cashier), I'm of the opinion that alcoholics will always find a way of drinking, regardless of restrictions others impose.

She will try and convince the OP she won't drink. That's why it's best not to invite her at all.

Definitely don't invite her!

Friend can't keep a promise to not drink, that's what alcoholic means. They have lost self-control in that area.
If I invited her I might ask her not to drink but also would have to ask mutual friends to look after her. That's the only way I could see things working.

Hard as it is,if you can't be sure she will moderate her behaviour/alcohol intake I wouldn't invite the friend. You've got to consider the whole event,other guests,and likelihood of a disruptive event

I see your dilemma,and it's difficult
Ultimately your friend is responsible for her behaviour and alcohol consumption
You can't compel her to abide by your request to not consume alcohol

I had a small wedding recently because one of my DH close friends is married to an alcoholic who becomes violent, Abusive and unpredictable when she's drunk. She's falsely accused Several men of raping her when they weren't even on the night out. She's thoroughly dangerous and I can't stand her. My DH didn't want to leave his friend out ( friends since primary school) so I decided that it wasn't worth the stress and hassle and had a small day. I was happy with a small day though.

Don't invite her and be straight about it.

by the way, I think she has a right to attend the ceremony as it is public

Not sure if this came from op or someone else but if someone else, I've never regarded a wedding as public or anyone's right to be there, even in a church unless it's a cultural custom. At a civil wedding your venue has set numbers for health and safety reasons so it's definitely not anyone's right

I wouldn't invite her. I went to a wedding and the uncle got hammered. He decided to do a speech which was shit and made an idiot of himself

I had a teeny wedding with just v close family and friends, no partners of friends, partly because my best friend's partner was an alcoholic. I just couldn't have the stress of him there, petrified that he was going to get lashed and start swearing loudly in the posh restaurant the reception was in. I just wouldn't invite your friend. It's kinder in the long run. If she comes and gets out of control, it's hardly going to enhance your friendship.

My mother's alcoholism was one of the reasons I didn't have a wedding.

www.gov.uk/approval-of-premises-for-civil-marriage-or-civil-partnership

It is a condition that the ceremony is open to the public

Oh my! I new the premise had to be open to the public but didn't know the ceremony. Ours had signs up apologising they couldn't use xyz rooms as wedding on

Yeah it's like those movies where they stop the wedding, it is a long standing legal thing
:)

My mother was asked to be the "keeper" of a family member in a situation like this and she was very anxious about it and I don't think it was fair. You can't stop another adult drinking, and if anything had happened, she would have felt responsible - or even been held responsible. As it turns out, the person was having a good day and nothing unseemly happened, but being forced into that role really took the shine off the day for my mum.

Thanks for everyone's input. It actually makes me feel sad not to invite her, I guess I was hoping you would tell me I was being unreasonable and should invite her regardless. She isn't interested in recovery, not at the moment anyway, it comes in fits and starts. I went through hell four weeks ago, and all I got was a short message from her asking why I'd been in hospital. (She'd seen on FB) I guess you're all right. Because I'm soft as shit, I will probably go with inviting her to the ceremony and explain about the reception. It's hard, being friends so long I feel like it's a given thing.
Thanks for all the words of wisdom though, I'll certainly mull them over! Xx

It depends.
A. Invite her. Let her ruin your day. Deal with the fall out.
B Don't invite her. She doesn't ruin your day. Deal with the fall out.

I wouldn't invite her, not a chance.

I'm afraid I join the majority in saying don't invite her. I think a wedding would be a very high pressure event for an alcoholic with no plus one, seeing a friend and contemporary get married, with everyone celebrating couples, families, relationships, and looking well scrubbed up and generally emphasizing the good in people's lives.

High pressure if you are not in that same place with life or relationships, let alone adding a bad relationship with alcohol and the accompanying fall out for everyone else.

I think it can sound very mean and not inclusive, until you've tried to control or limit the destruction an alcoholic can do. It's really upsetting having events ruined by someone who then can't / won't be held responsible and quite possibly can't even remember what they did.

When younger there were 2 people with alcohol problems in our very close friendship group. We couldn't go out anywhere as the evenings would be 'carnage'... But not in a good way, and the 'amusing' tales of extreme drunkenness just got less and less funny, and I was constantly being stood up / left in clubs / on deserted streets/ unsafe parts of the city or other dodgy situations for a young woman to send up in. And then the aggression, fights with strangers, and us... It became miserable and it was years before I finally realised that they put the alcohol before anyone and anything. All my strategies for changing the result of each time we met failed, mid morning or daytime meets still involved alcohol, staying in became unpleasant with fists through doors, broken stuff, storming out etc. Sadly it broke our friendship group up, and I learnt self-protection very belatedly. I had a more recent experience with an alcoholic who lied her way into a very responsible position, and although it took me still too long to work out what was happening, this time it was weeks, not years before I took steps to protect myself...

I think there comes a point when either someone takes responsibility for their own issues, and therefore gets loads of support, or other people have to start protecting themselves. It's a sad situation.