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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to invite her, but with a catch?

71 replies

cookie4640 · 25/07/2016 17:13

So, I'm getting married next year and feel as though I should invite one of my oldest friends. (Although right now we aren't that close) Small problem, she's an alcoholic. She has a real problem, she's not just a piss head.
Every time I've been out with her she ends up in a complete state and I have to look after her. Her outfits get ruined, she gets injured, it's just a nightmare. She can do a dry run, about a month at the most before it all comes back round full circle. If she comes, AIBU to stipulate that she must not drink?
She won't have a plus one with her and I'm fearful that I'll end up sorting her out whilst she's fallen into a hedge / getting off with the band dancing naked/ vomiting in my shoes....
Don't bash me for asking, she's had and still has all the help in the world to try and get this under control. WWYD?

OP posts:

Champagneformyrealfriends · 25/07/2016 18:17

What a sad situation. I'd probably not invite her but I'd feel terrible about it (not that you should-I'm just a bleeding heart).

EveOnline2016 · 25/07/2016 18:21

The wedding is next year. If she is sober at Christmas and new year when most people drink and stays sober during this season then have a rethink.

Leave the invite as late as possible and judge closer to the time

DerelictMyBalls · 25/07/2016 18:22

Tough one, OP. My sister is an alcoholic and that was one of the main reasons DH and I eloped. I hope your friend gets the help she needs and I hope you have a really wonderful day.

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF · 25/07/2016 18:30

across. I think your comment is a little irresponsible. I'm assuming your brother has been sober for quite a while to feel confident in his ability to refuse alcohol, but most alcohol support groups would advise staying well clear of situations where alcohol is served in the early stages of recovery. The OP's friend is nowhere near where your brother is, and is therefore likely to drink.

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 25/07/2016 18:37

To be on the safe side I'd not invite her. You're not close now so if she asks anyone about it they can say that it's a quiet wedding with limited space.

If she attends, gets drunk, and makes a fool of herself it will spoil it for you, everyone else and herself and she will feel so ashamed afterwards.

AskBasil · 25/07/2016 18:42

I agree with EveOnline's advice. Take a rain check after christmas.

AudreyBradshaw · 25/07/2016 18:43

We didn't invite BIL to our wedding on the basis that he can't control himself when he's had a drink. Our wedding would have become all about him and then the fuss of SIL, his gf, mil etc as they all sorted him out/had a go at him/started crying and I wasn't prepared to put up with it. He manipulates enough things to suit him, our wedding wasn't going to be one of them. But I'm projecting!

YANBU to not invite her. My hypothetical mind questionaire went along the lines of... If you do invite him, would you spend the evening being concerned about him? Would it impact your day? Are you prepared to take the risk? Etc

maisyanddaisy · 25/07/2016 18:46

Good advice re seeing how Christmas goes. If she is still drinking, don't invite her and tell her why. Any promises not to drink will most likely be bullshit. I'm probably less sympathetic than most as I had an alcoholic parent but IMO she is choosing drink over relationships and a normal life. There's absolutely no way that you should risk her messing up your day.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 25/07/2016 18:50

I don't blame you for not wanting to invite her. You want to enjoy your day, of course you do. You'd be odd if you didn't.
However be prepared for the fall out, because. There will be one, and looking at from her side. There's bound to be all she'll is the world and his wife have been invited to Cookies wedding and I haven't.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 25/07/2016 18:50

Could you invite her to the service/ceremony? But say you're not inviting her to the party as you know it would be too difficult for her but arrange a nice meal/lunch with her and your DP so she can share the celebrations that way. (This is assuming that she knows she is an alcoholic).

MiddleClassProblem · 25/07/2016 18:51

If she's just one person, one invite you could invite her nearer the time as pp said.

You aren't close at the mo so maybe things have changed for her but equally if they haven't you have a bit of a get out. You can't say don't drink to someone unless you are extremely close and both understand the situation imo. And it's really unfair too as some people it's a phase, others it's deep rooted and it's hard enough if you are that person to figure it out so having someone else judge you for it and use it as a condition is shitty, even if meant well.

Floggingmolly · 25/07/2016 18:52

Op hasn't actually said anything about her friend being in recovery; why the assumption that she'll be dry by Christmas?
I also had an alcoholic parent, and I'd strongly advise against having her anywhere near your wedding. Don't be afraid to tell her why, either.

LondonStill83 · 25/07/2016 18:56

A few family members of mine are alcoholics.

One attended a big family event and got so drunk (it was a DRY event) that people still talk about how it ruined the day almost 20 years later.

Unfortunately, alcoholics will drink, and usually to excess. Regardless you will be on tenter hooks watching and hoping nothing goes wrong.

I would say to not invite and just explain why- I am sorry, it's so hard.

EveOnline2016 · 25/07/2016 18:59

A lot can change and if the friend is trying to go sober, then she may be able to become a recovered alcoholic. Christmas and new year will be a very hard period to get though without drinking. Even my sister who never drinks has a few vodka around Christmas.

This time last year I would have never thought I could quit smoking, but here I am 6 months smoke free.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 25/07/2016 19:00

If she's got a problem with alcohol it is tantamount to unkindness inviting her to a big emotional occasion where alcohol will be served and you aren't free to discreetly police her drinking. Even with a plus one, if she took somebody, could they really be by her side every minute? Not only would you be upset, she'd probably hate herself later.

Beeziekn33ze · 25/07/2016 19:03

YANBU You really can't invite her, for your own peace of mind. Regrettable but a no brainer I reckon.

Beeziekn33ze · 25/07/2016 19:05

I meant YABU if you do invite her.

VestalVirgin · 25/07/2016 19:05

I would just not have any alcohol at the wedding. Am not a big drinker myself, anyway.

I agree with the others, she's not likely to be able to control her drinking, not when everyone else is drinking and she's seriously addicted.

You know her best - the periods where she didn't drink, did she go places where alcohol was served?

Bogeyface · 25/07/2016 19:10

Dont invite her.

I didnt see from the OP that she is in recovery, just that she can go about a month without a drink before spiralling back down again, and a wedding would be the perfect excuse to have "just one".

M&FIL assured exDH and I that BIL would be sober. FIL was all over him the morning of the wedding, he wasnt left alone except to go to the loo so thats when we assume he had the alcohol. The first indicator was him saying, very loudly and during the vows, "How much longer have we got to sit through this shit?". It went down hill from there until I personally chucked him out of the reception because he fell over, taking the wedding present table with him and almost sent my frail elderly grandfather flying. It didnt ruin our day as we just put it behind us and had a good time, but I wish we had gone with our first instincts about not having him there instead of giving in to MIL. His reason for getting so drunk? His GF had just dumped him for being an alky.......

As I say, just dont invite her, it really isnt worth the risk.

Floggingmolly · 25/07/2016 19:10

Are you serious, Vestal? Have a dry wedding based around one alcoholic guest, who is almost guaranteed to have a hip flask somewhere about her person anyway??

Bogeyface · 25/07/2016 19:12

I would just not have any alcohol at the wedding. Am not a big drinker myself, anyway.

So you would have a dry wedding on the basis of one person who cant control themselves despite most of your guests liking a drink and being able to do that without losing total control?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 25/07/2016 19:12

Yes, she's very likely to be plastered before she turns up anyway.

DinosaursRoar · 25/07/2016 19:17

Don't invite her. Don't risk ruining your wedding for someone who isn't a best friend or family member.

If she asks, you could tell her the reason, perhaps say she's welcome at the church/ceremony (if it's a different location to the reception) but not the reception.

Many functioning alcoholics don't think they have a problem because they "just" get wasted on a night out - it's just they have more nights out than others, and they turn up for work, aren't having a nip from a bottle at work, a cheeky wine at lunchtime isn't a big deal, the French all do that. And I don't have a problem, just like a drink on a night out....

CoolCarrie · 25/07/2016 19:22

Don't invite her at all. It's not worth the hassle. It is difficult, but it is you and your partners day. You don't want to be on tenderhooks about her behaviour.
One of my closest friend died aged 36 from liver failure due to heavy drinking, she had two miscarriages due her addiction. She didn't want to give up, or simply couldn't. Even in hospital she asked her shit of a 'mother' to bring her alcohol, which she did😡😥.

I hope your friend can get the help she needs and not end up like my friend.

Mycraneisfixed · 25/07/2016 19:22

Don't invite her. For all the above reasons.

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