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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About the cancelled weekend away

71 replies

Roundandroundandround · 23/07/2016 21:16

Name changed for this.

I've been dating a guy for around 4 months. We haven't had 'the talk' but I was feeling confident that things were heading in the right direction.

He works away a lot and is insanely busy. Last month we had planned a weekend away in a couple of weeks time. I have consistently reminded him of the date.

This morning he's told me that he has double booked himself with a work related commitment that he has to go to. I don't disbelieve him but he has made no effort to rearrange and wasn't hugely apologetic. I'm terrible at confrontation and just went quiet but now I wish I'd told him how I feel. I understand he has to go but can't help being disappointed.

AIBU to think that his behaviour (not the fact he has to work) is a huge red flag here?

OP posts:

PuntasticUsername · 23/07/2016 21:18

Based on what you've said, I'd say he's just not that into you. Or it's an elaborate test to see if you'll jump through hoops if he plays hard to get. Either way, if I'm right you'd be better off out of it. Sorry

Ifonlylovewouldsavetheday · 23/07/2016 21:19

Had you actually booked the weekend away or was it a casual arrangement that you must do something on the said weekend?

NaffOffMartha · 23/07/2016 21:19

I would be a bit suspicious. I tend to take things at face value but if you have the feeling that something else is going on, it probably is

Original poster

Roundandroundandround · 23/07/2016 21:21

I don't think anything else is going on (he's not cheating). It's more the way he told me I guess... Probably best to accept he's just not that into it.

OP posts:

NaffOffMartha · 23/07/2016 21:23

Sorry, I didn't mean it like that - put it very badly, I'm not great at typing on the phone. I meant more like, if you think there's something else behind it. Like thay he's bot that bothered :(

NaffOffMartha · 23/07/2016 21:24

Oh good grief. I wasn't kidding about not being good at typing on the phone. Sorry again!

Fortybingowings · 23/07/2016 21:25

I'd back right off if I were you. Become busy, make yourself unavailable a few times over the next few weeks even when you're gagging to see him. You'll soon find out if he's willing to chase you. If he's not that into you then you have your answer.

MsVestibule · 23/07/2016 21:27

I have consistently reminded him of the date

If somebody's really into you, you wouldn't have to remind them once. They'd be excited and enthusiastic about the thought of spending a whole weekend with you.

Honestly, cut your losses. Sadly, he's not as bothered about you as you are about him 😕.

Ragwort · 23/07/2016 21:35

As others have said, he is just not that much into you. If it was totally genuine & he had been looking forward to it as much as you he would have mentioned it first, been massively apologetic, bought you flowers, rearranged the weekend away etc etc.

When my (now) DH and I first started dating we lived 200 miles apart, weekends away were a big part of our 'courting' and DH would arrange lovely hotels half way between us & occasionally enable me to travel
overseas with him on business trips those were the days.

Cut your losses now.

Original poster

Roundandroundandround · 23/07/2016 21:36

You're all probably right, it's just hard to face facts.

Other than that. The sex is incredible, we get on amazingly well and he consistently takes me on dates; just last night he took me for dinner. He has been putting off telling me about the trip because he says he felt bad...

I said I couldn't work out if it was just an avoidance game. He said 'that depends how much you trust me'. I do trust him that he's going where he says, but maybe I'm a little unsure of his feelings towards me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Roundandroundandround · 23/07/2016 21:37

Going with him isn't an option... I can't give too much away but it's not a conventional 'business trip'.

OP posts:

Dozer · 23/07/2016 21:41

If he's so "insanely busy" with work, travel, does he actually have time for a relationship? Do you actually want a relationship with him on his terms, where work comes top etc?

MsVestibule · 23/07/2016 21:44

I said I couldn't work out if it was just an avoidance game. He said 'that depends how much you trust me'.

No it doesn't. His response doesn't even make sense. If I'd had to cancel a weekend away with somebody I really liked and they'd asked me that question, my response would have been 'No, of course not - honestly, I'm as disappointed as you are'.

If you don't feel you can finish it just yet, just back off a little and see what he does. But in my 20 years of dating experience, the only lasting relationships I had were those where there wasn't any messing around at the beginning. (I'm now happily married to one of those!)

BasildonDuck · 23/07/2016 21:44

Sounds like an ex of mine. Who I discovered six months into the relationship, was actually married. happily!

PuntasticUsername · 23/07/2016 21:46

"I can't give too much away but it's not a conventional 'business trip'."

Who does he work for, MI6?!

"He has been putting off telling me about the trip because he says he felt bad...I said I couldn't work out if it was just an avoidance game. He said 'that depends how much you trust me'."

Mind games. Fuck that. Sack him off (maybe after one final roll in the hay, if it's that good!) and find someone who treats you with more honesty and respect.

WhooooAmI24601 · 23/07/2016 21:49

He sounded grand til the "how much you trust me" thing. Now he sounds like an asshat. Tell him to do one; he's dicking you about to see how far he can go playing games. It only ever ends badly when games are involved and you're worth more than becoming some gutless little boy's plaything.

MiddleClassProblem · 23/07/2016 21:50

I dunno, maybe he is genuine. Maybe make a promise that your next free weekend together you'll do a last minute get away?

Original poster

Roundandroundandround · 23/07/2016 21:52

"I can't give too much away but it's not a conventional 'business trip'."

Who does he work for, MI6?!

That's not so far from the truth.

I know some of the issue is that I'm awful at confrontation and at the time I just freeze, so he probably thinks I'm cool with it. But now I'm analysing his feelings towards me and of course I am disappointed.

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HeddaGarbled · 23/07/2016 21:52

I agree that it's not the cancelling that's the problem but the way he doesn't appear to be too apologetic or sorry that suggests he's not as serious about you as you are about him. Also, that comment about it depends how much you trust me was a bit arrogant/arsey. The correct response to "is this an avoidance strategy?" should be reassurance not a snarky remark which tries to make you think you are being unreasonable. I would cool off on this one - he needs to do some repair work if he's keen.

MiddleClassProblem · 23/07/2016 21:53

Could he be making up his job? Not saying he is but some people do that

Original poster

Roundandroundandround · 23/07/2016 21:56

He's not making up his job... I've been to work with him. It's something loosely connected to his job and the qualifications he has. He's basically helping a friend for the weekend using these. It's been planned for months but he got the dates wrong and now found out it clashes with 'our' weekend. Unfortunately he can't rearrange the other commitment.

OP posts:

Benedikte2 · 23/07/2016 22:00

Maybe he needs more than four months to commit? If he is very busy then you've perhaps not spent enough time together yet. If you really like him and feel there is a future then hang on in there a little longer and test the waters. Then again he may feel he needs to put his career first for the foreseeable future and his personal life is on a back burner.

Bin50 · 23/07/2016 22:01

Have you met his friends and family?

In this situation I'd be wondering if he was married, or in a long-term relationship.

Branleuse · 23/07/2016 22:03

hes not being honest with you

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 23/07/2016 22:07

The 'Red Flags' to me are

that he delayed telling you because 'he felt bad'. People like this frequently lie to make life easier.

'depends how much you trust me'. This feels very 'testing' & I wouldn't like it.

If it were me I'd back right off, get very busy & don't do any of the contacting/running.

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