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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About the cancelled weekend away

71 replies

Roundandroundandround · 23/07/2016 21:16

Name changed for this.

I've been dating a guy for around 4 months. We haven't had 'the talk' but I was feeling confident that things were heading in the right direction.

He works away a lot and is insanely busy. Last month we had planned a weekend away in a couple of weeks time. I have consistently reminded him of the date.

This morning he's told me that he has double booked himself with a work related commitment that he has to go to. I don't disbelieve him but he has made no effort to rearrange and wasn't hugely apologetic. I'm terrible at confrontation and just went quiet but now I wish I'd told him how I feel. I understand he has to go but can't help being disappointed.

AIBU to think that his behaviour (not the fact he has to work) is a huge red flag here?

OP posts:
MalcolmTuckersEyebrows · 24/07/2016 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cabrinha · 24/07/2016 12:40

4 months in, you don't know if someone is a forever relationship - but you certainly know if they're not.
He works away, is moving away, knows you're moving away, and is "insanely busy" with work.

My bet is he cancelled because - sorry for bluntness - he just isn't bothered. He wanted to help his mate more. He already knows this isn't a long term thing for him. I'm sure he likes you... but that's as far as it goes.

FWIW, I am insanely busy with work - and a child. I work outside of the UK half of the time, I take week long work trips, when I'm home my child is my priority. I bend over backwards to find time to be with my boyfriend. We have our first weekend away booked for September. With our family and work commitments it's taken a YEAR to get a weekend away. No-one has to remind anyone - we talk about it excitedly all the time!

Bottom line: HJNTIY.

A Forces relationship and a distance relationship are hard. Save yourself the aggro when he isn't even bothered now!

SlimCheesy2 · 24/07/2016 12:45

The 'trust' comment would make me rethink the relationship totally. It is testing you, and seeing what you will put up with.

I'd go for the weekend away on my own and rethink.

JennyHolzersGhost · 24/07/2016 12:58

In this kind of situation I would just say in a breezy way 'oh dear what a shame, well let me know when you can rearrange' and leave it at that. If no rearrangement efforts were forthcoming then my interest in the relationship would rapidly wane.

Cabrinha · 24/07/2016 13:05

I might have said differently if it was work - but he's sacking off a weekend with a brand new girlfriend to be with a mate Confused

Birdsgottafly · 24/07/2016 15:19

"" He says he only realised a few days ago and wanted to talk about it in person.""

Think about the job that he does, do you not think that he's quite capable of, or routinely puts everything into a calendar, even just on his phone?

Look at the responsibility that some people have, do you honestly think the case is that their Partners and children have just accepted being not worth bothering about? Or do you think that, actually, people who have such jobs are capable of coping with all the aspects of life?

"Can I cope with being second best""

Your not even second best, he hasn't given you that much thought.

SuperFlyHigh · 24/07/2016 15:30

I wouldn't put up with it, in any new relationship which has involved weekends away the man or men in question have never cancelled and always looked forward to it no matter how busy.

The idiots have stalled, etc.

If he really wanted to go away he'd cancel his friend weekend away.

The trust bit is the icing on the cake, no one I've known this long has raised these issues or they're head fucks playing with your head.

In fact I'd lay bets he may call it off with you soon, due to your trust issues etc.

Original poster
Roundandroundandround · 24/07/2016 17:36

Ok I've not heard from him today as he is out and doesn't have his phone on him.

I'm going to ignore him and see what happens. If he gets in touch and makes plans to see me again then I will discuss it with him and explain properly how I feel and find out where he thinks this is going. If he doesn't, I guess I'll have my answer.

I'm started a new job tomorrow so could've done without this! Thanks for the replies everyone.

OP posts:
WamBamThankYouMaam · 24/07/2016 17:44

If someone felt the need to constantly remind me about something after seeing them for a few months, I'd probably be less enthused about it and wouldn't try and get out of the other thing either.

WamBamThankYouMaam · 24/07/2016 17:46

And does it have to be going somewhere after 3 months? If someone asked me that so early on I'd be put off hugely.

Have you not considered that he's married and sees you when he's in your area and probably has more than one phone?

Original poster
Roundandroundandround · 24/07/2016 17:51

Oh fgs he's not married! I've been to his place numerous times and no he doesn't have multiple phones; I even went with him yesterday to get an upgrade!

Everything else about him is very trustworthy which is why this is so difficult.

OP posts:
JennyHolzersGhost · 24/07/2016 20:16

Focus on the job OP. Good luck tomorrow! Great new beginnings for you.

nutellacrumpet · 24/07/2016 20:58

Why are you bothering? It doesn't sound like he is in to you at all.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 24/07/2016 21:23

This is MN, everyone will be quick to jump in and tell you it's red flags, he isn't interested, he's lying about his job, he's married etc etc. I am amazed sometimes that anyone is in a relationship on here.

On its own it honestly doesn't seem that bad. I'd go with he is telling the truth, it clashed and he felt awkward about saying. The most simplest explanation is the most likely one, not this hidden secret life or he isn't interested. If he wasn't interested then he wouldn't take you out/keep in touch as much as he does. This is one thing in 4 months.

LuluJakey1 · 24/07/2016 21:42

In your thread on Tuesday you said you see him a couple of times a week but now you say he is away for 'weeks on end'

Something off here. Have raised it with MNHQ

SuperFlyHigh · 26/07/2016 15:35

I still stand by if he is really into you especially after 4 months then he makes plans to see you! whatever happens. damned good reason not to do this too.

Original poster
Roundandroundandround · 02/08/2016 22:06

A thread update!

Finally worked up the courage to ask whats going on and we have decided that our lives are moving in too separate directions. So we are calling it quits...

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 02/08/2016 22:25

As much as it may hurt, it's better than being messed around and looking back and thinking "why did I waste so much time".

AnotherPrickInTheWall · 02/08/2016 23:14

Sorry to hear that OP. I think if you were both really into each other you would have made allowances for the fact that most of change jobs or whatever at sometime in our lives.
Onwards and upwards xx

MsVestibule · 04/08/2016 07:41

I'm sorry to hear that, but you probably know it's the right decision 😕. How are you feeling? (I always used to dread ending a relationship that I knew wasn't going anywhere, but incredibly relieved afterwards!)

Original poster
Roundandroundandround · 04/08/2016 11:05

Feeling a bit gutted as on paper he was a very good catch and when we were together we got on very well!

Just have to keep reminding myself I don't want to be with someone who can't make time for me.

Re the distance, I understand jobs take people all over the place but we are moving miles and mile apart. He will be on a shift pattern that doesn't leave weekends free; I get weekends off. He couldn't stick to a weekend away when we both live near, I couldn't trust him to ever plan in advance in an LDR...

OP posts:
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