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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About the cancelled weekend away

71 replies

Roundandroundandround · 23/07/2016 21:16

Name changed for this.

I've been dating a guy for around 4 months. We haven't had 'the talk' but I was feeling confident that things were heading in the right direction.

He works away a lot and is insanely busy. Last month we had planned a weekend away in a couple of weeks time. I have consistently reminded him of the date.

This morning he's told me that he has double booked himself with a work related commitment that he has to go to. I don't disbelieve him but he has made no effort to rearrange and wasn't hugely apologetic. I'm terrible at confrontation and just went quiet but now I wish I'd told him how I feel. I understand he has to go but can't help being disappointed.

AIBU to think that his behaviour (not the fact he has to work) is a huge red flag here?

OP posts:
Sixfifetree · 23/07/2016 22:12

Why did you feel the need to consistently remind him?
How long has he known he had a clash, so felt unable to tell you because he felt bad?
Turned it back on you, don't you trust me...
All easy for us to point out what's wrong we are outsiders looking in, but you did ask. Maybe you need to sit back a while see what happens and take your next move from what results.

Original poster
Roundandroundandround · 23/07/2016 22:14

I guess I needed reassurance that he still wanted to go. He says he only realised a few days ago and wanted to talk about it in person...

OP posts:
randomer · 23/07/2016 22:14

he's dangling a few of you..dump him

Original poster
Roundandroundandround · 23/07/2016 22:15

I know you're all right about backing off to see how he reacts. He's not dating anyone else, we've already discussed this and said that we were both not interested in other people. I've not reason not to believe that; eg he openly uses his phone in front of me and there are no messages.

It's more about I think, am I willing to put up with coming second place.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 23/07/2016 22:24

"I know some of the issue is that I'm awful at confrontation and at the time I just freeze, so he probably thinks I'm cool with it. But now I'm analysing his feelings towards me and of course I am disappointed."
Honestly, I don't think expressing disappointment at being let down is confrontational. Aside from your relationship with this man, I think you should explore why you do this.

And everything ExtraHotLatteToGo said about Red Flags.

AnotherPrickInTheWall · 23/07/2016 23:19

Sorry to say this but I also don't think you are the only one.
Did you meet him on OLD? There are some very convincing liars on those sites.
Have been to his place yet?

Original poster
Roundandroundandround · 24/07/2016 07:51

As said before, I'm very confident he is not lying or seeing anyone else...
I've been to his place numerous times and everything he has told me about where he's going adds up.

My issue is the way he told me and whether or not this is a red flag to the whole relationship (if that's what it is).

OP posts:
ClopySow · 24/07/2016 09:05

Red flags.

ENormaSnob · 24/07/2016 09:06

Get rid.

It isnt worth the arse ache.

RhiWrites · 24/07/2016 09:38

something loosely connected to his job and the qualifications he has. He's basically helping a friend for the weekend using these.

So not work. He's using his work skills to do a job for a friend.

Sack him off. That's what he's doing to you.

stumblymonkey · 24/07/2016 09:39

Definite red flags I'm afraid

ThePinkOcelot · 24/07/2016 09:43

Why don't you say "no worries, all rearranged for (add a date here)" and see what he says. Will he commit to it or give another excuse?!

AbyssinianBanana · 24/07/2016 09:46

What a bizarre comment about trust. Did you have trust issues in your previous relationship that you've told him about?

My answer would have been... I trust you as much as I trust anyone I've only known for 4 months who appears to be dicking me about.

In other words, don't make him feel he's something special until he proves he is.

Original poster
Roundandroundandround · 24/07/2016 09:49

I messaged last night. He had been making jokes about me moaning about him to my friends. I told him that luckily my friends boyfriend is being awful so he got off lightly.
However a token offer to rearrange might've been tactful.

I don't have trust issues really; like
I said my problem is not that he has had to cancel. It's more that he hasn't made efforts to rearrange and now I'm wondering how into this he actually is.

OP posts:
EllaHen · 24/07/2016 09:51

He is messing with your head.

You shouldn't be analysing things to this extent at the start of a relationship.

You shouldn't feel nervous.

He doesn't make you feel good. I'd walk away.

FinallyHere · 24/07/2016 09:59

Agree that its not the fact if having a previous commitment, or even messing up the dates, its avoiding telling you incase you were upset, rather than contacting you as soon as he found out, starting with being clear he got it wrong and an apology. Then doing his best to make it up to you somehow.

Do you want the rest of your life to be like this? As PPs have said, make yourself not available a bit and see what happens. Or, just don't bother with him any more. All the best

Branleuse · 24/07/2016 10:01

I trust you as much as I trust anyone I've only known for 4 months who appears to be dicking me about

what she said ^

Fortybingowings · 24/07/2016 10:10

If I were you, I'd grab one of your friends and book a weekend away. Big up the partying aspect to your boyfriend. Make it seem like you're having a blast without HIM. Works a treat if he's bothered. If he's not bothered, better that you know now.

crazychemist · 24/07/2016 10:22

I'm with those saying wait and see. If your relationship is otherwise great, then you might ruin something good over one idiotic mistake on his part. My DH is exactly the type to double book himself, and he often puts off telling people until the last minute because he feels guilty. It doesn't mean he doesn't care about his friends, just that he has a terrible memory and doesn't always deal with it well! It all depends if it's a personality flaw that really bothers you or not - would it drive you bonkers in the long run?

TheStoic · 24/07/2016 10:34

He said 'that depends how much you trust me'.

Ugh. That is the red flag, not the cancellation itself.

He is going to walk all over you, if you let him. Until he finds someone he prefers, and then you'll never hear from him again.

Original poster
Roundandroundandround · 24/07/2016 10:42

I think lots of relationships around the 3-4 month of dating mark become a bit difficult; we're obviously approaching the stage of 'is this going somewhere or not', which is making this more tricky.

Other than this he has been fairly consistent and hasn't cancelled plans before. Even when being away for weeks at a time he has spoken to me every day. He has so much going on that I'm not surprised he got mixed up. But I'm also not sure he has time for a relationship.

We are also both moving to new cities sometime in the next few months and whilst I'm not against long distance, it will be a problem if he can't commit to dates.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 24/07/2016 10:45

He doesn't need to apologise or make excuses. You're doing it for him.

Mycraneisfixed · 24/07/2016 11:02

You've only been seeing him four months and he's been away 'weeks at a time'? You sound a lovely person who is being taken for a fool by a charming but manipulative man.
You deserve a man with more integrity who will love you and care about you in a way that makes you happy, not anxious.

MatildaTheCat · 24/07/2016 11:05

He being very honest with you. You will have to suck up cancelled dates, weekends and holidays if you want to stay in this relationship. He may be a very nice guy but he has other priorities.

If you are both moving and it's going to get even harder you need to think about this.

Original poster
Roundandroundandround · 24/07/2016 11:09

Yes, he is away weeks at a time...
I don't want to give out too much info but it is forces related work. I kind of know the life I'm would be getting into and have been fine with it so far as I'm pretty independent.

But this is the first time we have arranged something far in advance and he has cancelled.

OP posts: