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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I shouldn't but I feel snubbed?

56 replies

Onthedowns · 14/07/2016 22:27

DSIL is getting son christened asked DH to be godfather but not me. We have been together 20 years, marriages 10, other godparents are DSILs partners sister and a friend who she sees once a month. I know it's her choice completely respect that but AIBU to feel a little hurt? Will people ask me why I am not?

OP posts:
TopiaryBun · 14/07/2016 22:30

It's not customary to choose godparents in pairs, though. DH and I are godparents 'separately' to several children, but only to one together.

OneEpisode · 14/07/2016 22:32

Traditionally a boy has more godfathers than godmothers?

Mouikey · 14/07/2016 22:34

It's for them to make the decision and you shouldn't feel hurt by it (but I can understand why you might).

However, I don't understand why there is an expectation that godparents should come as a couple, but then I'm not religious! I am a fairy godmother but my husband is not, my fairy goddaughter has three godparents, two females and one male and it works really well!

squoosh · 14/07/2016 22:35

I don't think I've ever heard of a couple being chosen as godparents. In Ireland one godparent is friend/relative of the mother and other godparent is friend/relative of the father.

OlennasWimple · 14/07/2016 22:35

That's it - traditionally it's 2 godfathers and 1 godmother for a boy. Often not couples (none of my DCs are together)

OneEpisode · 14/07/2016 22:39

Your feelings are your feelings. I'm sorry you are feeling hurt. But maybe dh would have been left out if this baby was a girl?

MauledbytheTigers · 14/07/2016 22:39

Is DSIL your DH's sister? If so, and I have read right that means the godparents are a sibling of each of the parents and a friend.

If that's the case that seems a nice balance. I wouldn't take that as a snub more that they don't want more than 3 godparents & have prioritised their siblings over their siblings partners which is completely understabdable.

Presumably if you were also asked they'd need to ask the partners of the DPs sister too (if they have one) for risk of appearing to snub them and all of a sudden they're up to 5 or 6 godparents if they include the friends partner too.

I really don't think this is a snub...it's lovely they've asked your DP but a lot of people don't want lots of godparents so it's completely normal that you wouldn't feature ahead of their siblings. My uncle is my godparent, his wife isnt. Hopefully you'll be in the running for any future children.

pasbeaucoupdegendarme · 14/07/2016 22:43

Agree - not usual to choose godparents in pairs.

Original poster
Onthedowns · 14/07/2016 22:57

I know it's not usual to have more than 3 but u know many do to clarify there is only one godfather. It just appears strange that two siblings one friend and we have obviously been a unit for many years. I know you don't have to come as a pair but I find it a little odd when your asking family you would leave one out.

OP posts:
kierenthecommunity · 14/07/2016 23:03

My H is godfather to our best friends son but not me, as I'm not baptised myself. Unofficially though we kind of both are as whenever we do anything for him it's usually together anyway Smile

ArmySal · 14/07/2016 23:06

You're an actual fairy godmother, Mouikey? That's fantastic Grin

My DP is godfather to children I'm not the godmother of, and vice versa.

Floggingmolly · 14/07/2016 23:09

I am a fairy godmother but mu husband is not Grin

Obeliskherder · 14/07/2016 23:09

I'm not and DH is. Reason given was that I'm not christened but I think it was more that they wanted more of a spread. I can also see that people want to balance it across both sides of the family.

No one's ever asked about it. Perfect reason to ensure DH is responsible for remembering birthdays and buying the presents, rather than it turning into "wifework".

2rebecca · 14/07/2016 23:12

Is part of the problem that you don't have any siblings or close friends to ask you? In our family god parents were blood relatives or close friends. Inlaws is less usual. I wouldn't see it as a snub. They are your husbands relatives

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 14/07/2016 23:13

You need chocolate or wine. Clearly.

Godparents are generally chosen 'singularly'. It's just a pointless title anyway unless you are really going to do all the religious stuff with them.

What actually matters is what they've put in their will regarding what their wishes are if they should die when their children are under 18.

rosiecam · 14/07/2016 23:15

You think a husband and wife should both be godparents to the same child? That seems like a very weird idea to me. I certainly never heard it before. I don't know what religion you are, but it's certainly not traditional in the Church of England. My godparents were my mother's aunt, my mother's best friend and one of my father's brothers. No question of also inviting their spouses.

2rebecca · 14/07/2016 23:17

Agree we are atheists so no god parents but made guardianship desires clear. We then divorced so dying together was very unlikely

LockedOutOfMN · 14/07/2016 23:18

I've never heard of a couple being godparents.

LockedOutOfMN · 14/07/2016 23:20

Sorry, pressed send too soon. I am sorry you feel snubbed, OP. I agree with you that this doesn't seem to be a snub at all, though. Presumably the godmother is a friend of the baby's mother or perhaps a member of the baby's father's family.

MrsBobDylan · 14/07/2016 23:24

Yabu, sorry. You need to get over this fast as sil has done what many millions of people have done over the years.

There is no obligation to choose both people on a marriage to godparent together. In fact, I've only seen it happen once and it struck me as a bit odd if I'm honest.

Mouikey · 14/07/2016 23:27

Yes I am a fairy godmother and love it! She doesn't always appreciate the glitter and sparkles though 😉

PansOnFire · 14/07/2016 23:27

I'd never heard of this until my friends started having children and there was a fall out between some of them because some had been asked to be godparents and their partners hadn't. I am religious and I'd never heard of couples being a thing - its 2 godmothers and a godfather for a girl, 2 godfathers and a godmother for boys which is the tradition we've followed. Its tradition to have 3.

I should probably add that none of my friends are religious, DH and I have been asked to be godparents together a few times and at the last christening we were two of ten godparents.

Its supposed to be a low key event where the child is welcomed into the church and is 'assigned' people who will look after their religious wellbeing. I can see how, in a situation where godparents are chosen with no religious duty involved, you would feel left out though. It depends on the context.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/07/2016 23:30

It's not the norm for couples to be godparents of the same child

whois · 14/07/2016 23:49

I don't think you choose in pairs like that.

You don't ask someone's husband or wife to be a GM/GF just cos you're asking one of them.

whois · 14/07/2016 23:49

at the last christening we were two of ten godparents

Redic.