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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is ex re. maintenance?

58 replies

NittyNatty · 02/07/2016 22:08

Ex h and I have been separated for 2 years. We have 3 DC.

He pays £200 maintenance per month. This was settled through the CMS a few months ago.

Prior to this he paid me much less as he wasn't completely honest about his salary when we first worked out maintenance. It turns out he underpaid me by over £1000 which I know I'll never see.

So anyway I had to buy DD's secondary school uniform the other week which came to over £250. He is refusing to go halves and is not responding to my messages.

With big things like this we used to go halves, but he's now refusing.

Aibu or is he?

OP posts:

monkeysox · 02/07/2016 22:09

If he technically owes you a grand he should pay for it

MulberryWilllow23 · 02/07/2016 22:09

Unfortunately he doesn't have to pay you half for things such as school uniform. If he's giving you £250 a month it's suppose to come from that.

MrsRaegan · 02/07/2016 22:10

£200 a month for 3 kids? He is being unreasonable. What does he think that covers?!

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 02/07/2016 22:11

He is, but unfortunately I doubt there is anything you can do about it. It's unfair.

MrsRaegan · 02/07/2016 22:11

That's £16 per child per week. He should definitely be splitting uniforms, new shoes etc. Maybe not by law but out of decency.

WinniePooh101 · 02/07/2016 22:13

He's being unreasonable but he's using the 'I'm paying what I've been told I have to pay' card so technically he doesn't have to go halves with you anymore because he's paying what he's been told to. He's got off lightly paying just £200 for 3 children.

Everytimeref · 02/07/2016 22:13

Who went to the CSA?

Sounds like you had a family arrangement that included half of all school uniforms, now thats been superseed by the csa payment so he is entitled to say no to extras.

Tiggeryoubastard · 02/07/2016 22:15

£200 a month for 3 kids? What a bloody loser.

Pendu · 02/07/2016 22:17

Wow my ex is literally the same ! I get 200 ish for 3dc and that's it - not a penny more . It's alright now as I'm remarried and DH works hard but I was a few years alone and he wouldn't even help with uniforms etc. Did you have a financial agreement ? I was Abit stupid with mine, I paid him off to get him to sign it (I will probably end up wealthier than him and didn't want him coming knocking years later) but I didn't make any arrangements with paying for the dc, so legally I was kinda stuffed. He says the same thing - "that's what your csa is for" - it's pretty shameless.

Original poster

NittyNatty · 02/07/2016 22:18

I went to the CSA as he stopped paying completely when I started questioning amounts....

Even since the adjustment he's still gone halves on school uniforms, swimming lessons, bday party costs and any other important/expensive bits.

OP posts:

19lottie82 · 02/07/2016 22:18

You can't force him to pay for "extras", however, I'm pretty sure if you went through the CSA he should be paying a minimum of 25% of his wages as maintenance. So unless he earns more than minimum wage, he should be paying more than £250?

Can you not pursue him through this method?

Toffeelatteplease · 02/07/2016 22:19

Yanbu

But there isn't anything you can do about it if he refuses

Original poster

NittyNatty · 02/07/2016 22:21

He earns around 22k (but gets lots of commission that doesn't count apparently) so I'm pretty sure it's around 10% of his wage as standard.

OP posts:

starry0ne · 02/07/2016 22:22

legally no he doesn't have to pay more...He will be sore about paying the legal minimum so sadly doubt you will get a penny more out of him.

Original poster

NittyNatty · 02/07/2016 22:22

Thanks for all the replies btw.

Pendu it gets really expensive doesn't it? I have a partner and he has offered to contribute but I don't feel he should have to.

OP posts:

Pendu · 02/07/2016 22:31

It does school dinners, endless school trips , shoes , pe kits ... Tbh my exs money doesn't even cover school run petrol but if it helps the boys then I won't stop it, but it's more of a little token than anything else. I actually think it should be overhauled - he can quit work tomorrow and leave me to look after the dc alone(financially) which is fine for me, but, I think actually maintenance should be based on splitting costs WRT dc - ie splitting school lunches, uniforms, clubs as well as a contribution towards the fixed costs like housing . I'm not allowed to just throw my hands up and let my DC starve, so I'm not sure why absent parents legally can

isntithot · 02/07/2016 22:31

Hmm I don't know about this my DP pays the min for his salary for his DC. He doesn't contribute to school uniforms or ad hock requests for cash. We spend a further £50-£100 a week on his DCs when they are here and he does contribute to important school trips. We can't trust that the money is being spent on uniforms etc.

My ep doesn't pay any extra and I don't ask. I get £500 for my DD expenses.

Everytimeref · 02/07/2016 22:31

The rate is now 19% of gross income with a reduction for overnight contact. If he only has to pay £200 a month he must have reasonable contact.
Does he provide clothing during his contact?

BadgerIsGrumpy · 02/07/2016 22:39

19%? I thought it was 15%, not sure why though.

joangray38 · 02/07/2016 22:41

My dad (many years ago) was so resentful at "having" to pay maintenance he paid the minimum he could, lied about income so got a way with paying a lot less than he should and wouldn't even buy Xmas , birthday cards never mind presents or contributions to school uniforms etc. Some men and women resent it and their kids and other parents suffer because of their childishness!

Everytimeref · 02/07/2016 22:43

Its 12% 1 child. 15% 2 children and 19% for 3.

JessicaRabbit3 · 02/07/2016 22:46

My DH is on 22k working on the Calculator it would be 220 for two DC so surely it should be more for 3. I get 155 for one DC but I paid solely on the uniform and Ex get one set for his house.

Original poster

NittyNatty · 02/07/2016 22:53

It's a long story. Basically have them 4 nights a week and he has them 3.

It used to be 5 and he'd have them 2 until he realised how much maintenance he was meant to be paying....

We have been squabbling over this extra day for a long time. I have them through the the holidays, every holiday, inset days, sick days and even collect them from school and feed them on one of his days.

Maintenance is worked out on over night stays though and he has worked this to his advantage.

OP posts:

IneedAdinosaurNickname · 02/07/2016 23:00

Maintenance rates are insane. I get £5 per week for 2 dc as ex dp doesn't work (apparently he can't as his wife cant manage all her children on her own)

He refuses to pay anything extra on top of that and even brings them home early sometimes because he can't afford to feed them.

ClopySow · 02/07/2016 23:03

"Hmm I don't know about this my DP pays the min for his salary for his DC. He doesn't contribute to school uniforms or ad hock requests for cash. We spend a further £50-£100 a week on his DCs when they are here and he does contribute to important school trips. We can't trust that the money is being spent on uniforms etc"

I can't fucking stand that attitude. Pays minimum. Doesn't contribute to any extras. Doesn't trust ex not to spend money on other things. Because children only cost minimum maintenance amount. Shameful.

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