AIBU or is ex re. maintenance?

[NittyNatty]

Ex h and I have been separated for 2 years. We have 3 DC.

He pays £200 maintenance per month. This was settled through the CMS a few months ago.

Prior to this he paid me much less as he wasn't completely honest about his salary when we first worked out maintenance. It turns out he underpaid me by over £1000 which I know I'll never see.

So anyway I had to buy DD's secondary school uniform the other week which came to over £250. He is refusing to go halves and is not responding to my messages.

With big things like this we used to go halves, but he's now refusing.

Aibu or is he?

[Stepmotherofdragons]

I have ds over a third of the time. I pay 25% over the csa minimum. I also pay half of school trips, uniforms etc. I have a full wardrobe and bedroom with all the toys he needs to occupy him at the weekends, bikes, scooters etc. I also sort out his haircuts, birthday parties and other basic expenses that crop up.

On top of that I spend around £200+ a month on trips out, soft play, swimming etc.

I still got roasted on here for questioning whether it was fair or not.

[Mirandawest]

I thinking depends on how much money everyone has. XH pays £300 a month for two children, he has them quite a lot and also his DW has a son of her own, so that reduced mauntenance. I pay for all school uniform, trips, clubs etc but I am able to do this. Not sure what I'd do if I weren't able to as he moans enough about not having enough money. But he does give £300 a month - if he were giving less then it would end up being more of an issue I think.

[Canyouforgiveher]

Tell him you will be buying uniform for your child but it will not be going over to his house on the days she spends there so he might want to get a second uniform for the days he has them. because you will be telling the school that her dad is responsible for 3 days a week.

Or he could pool with you and split the cost.

My guess is nothing will happen and you will be stuck. So I'd send him a note at the end of it all saying "your daughter needed a school uniform costing 250. I paid for it. you refused to share in the cost. You couldn't care less about her or her needs. What a father you are."

[limon]

"So I'd send him a note at the end of it all saying "your daughter needed a school uniform costing 250. I paid for it. you refused to share in the cost. You couldn't care less about her or her needs. What a father you are."


yes that's really going to help relationships isn't it! Not.

OP YANBU bit there's nothing g you can do about it.

[isntithot]

ClopySow it's not shameful. My DP has been landed all the debt from their marriage he simply cannot afford to pay many more if he did he would have no life and have no money to spend on his DC when he had them. Or do you expect NR parents not to have a life?

It can't be trust re the extra money I have seen the text that say "DC needs new trousers at £30 wag I would pay it but I have a hair appointment"

[isntithot]

No idea where wag came from

[Canyouforgiveher]

yes that's really going to help relationships isn't it! Not.

So it is the responsibility fo the OP to "help relationships " is it?"

the father can refuse to pay for an essential thing for his dd but that isn't filed under "not helping relationships" but if the mother of that child calls him out on it she gets accused of "not helping relationships"

Like I tell my children over and over and over. the single biggest decision you will make in your life is choosing whom to have as the father/mother of your children.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

everytime where do you get those % from? They are not the same as the ones given in the CMS calculation information leaflet

[MeAndMy3LovelyBoys]

Tell him you will be buying uniform for your child but it will not be going over to his house on the days she spends there so he might want to get a second uniform for the days he has them. because you will be telling the school that her dad is responsible for 3 days a week.

How would that work without being a total pain for the kids? What about when they go to his after school and then go to school from his the day after, or spend the weekend there straight after school? Would they have to go and get changed before being able to go to their dad's?
Petty petty petty.

[PrincessWellington]

He gets a reduction of maintenance if he has them overnight. This is to account for costs he incurs during this time. He should buy his own uniform. Suggest this and he might be more willing to go halves when you say you won't be providing it. Also he should be buying clothes etc for when the dc are with him.

[Girlgonewild]

1. By law that is correct. They live with him almost half the week and I don't see why he should not be thinking ah they need school uniforms I will buy them just like any resident parent would, however. I suppose you could send them to him on school days with no uniform and force him to buy it for the days they are with him. Our school has a second hand uniform shop and may be yours will? You can get it quite cheaply there.
   
2. Mine pays nothing and I paid him on the divorce and I pay a lot for the children but I earn more. It does depend on your situation. I pay over £30k a year on school fees along and when they were in full time child care I paid about £30k a year just so I could work full time to keep. It is a very unfair world.

[wheresthel1ght]

Not all dads are arsehole over money!! My dp pays a bit over the csa amount to his ex and goes half on educational school trips. However, we also buy all their uniform and school shoes for both our house and hers. The only thing she has paid for in the last 4 years is dss's blazer when he went to secondary school. We also pay for hobbies and associated costs etc.

She is expecting £800 from us to pay for half of a skiing jolly for Dss and is pissed off that we have said that unfortunately we can't afford it.

[BigTroubleInLittleChina]

I'm not divorced or separated but when I read these kinds of threads I think the Ex thinks the money will go to the RP not the children. The Ex resents the RP benefitting in anyway so withholds any extra money, even at the expense for their children

Usually the RP has already bought the essential items, then asked for money afterwards. I think the Ex thinks it's a lie: that the items did not cost as much, or that they weren't even bought in the first place and they REALLY resent the thought the money is going to the Ex (and not the children). Can the Ex not get the Uniform? Or at least take a copy of the receipt to prove purchase?

If your ExDH has them at weekends can you start getting him to take them for haircuts, or to get new shoes etc? Stop buying everything and then asking for halves afterwards.

[TutanKaDashian]

My ex won't pay a penny. His excuse is that he shouldn't have to as he doesn't have a lot of money. It's like maintenance is optional. His latest is that he will not sign the clean break order from our divorce until I write off his CMS arrears and stop claiming maintenance

[OhGodWhatTheHellNow]

My DF withheld maintenance as my DM had a new unemployed partner with two dcs - he was sure, correctly, that his money would go into the household pot and he would effectively be supporting my new step-sibs.
We were very hard up and as teenagers knew why, it also caused contact issues.
For context, this was forty years ago and I still simmer over it. When my DF was criticising his DSS for doing the same thing recently I nearly burst.

[grannytomine]

The children are with him for almost half the week so he provides a home and feeds them. Who gets the child benefit? If OP gets child benefit and £200 a month and only has kids for just over half the week that doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

My kids are grown up but I have been a single parent but I accepted that if my ex was going to be able to provide somewhere decent for the kids to spend their time with him then he had to have enough money to do that. I always looked at it that we both provided a home for them, both fed them and the child benefit paid for the clothes/uniforms. If they did other activities we paid for the ones we wanted them to do so I paid for music lessons and he paid for sports clubs and kit.

If this is your eldest child then you are getting more than £1,000 per year in child benefit so it should cover clothing quite easily.

I am assuming if you are paying for school meals then you have a decent income, if you are on benefits level then it is different in my opinion.

I think the idea of him buying some things is a good idea, sometimes it seems like the ex gives money but kids see mum buying them things. Would he maybe agree to buying something specific like sports kit or shoes so he takes them shopping and the kids see it as something coming from him.

[Babyroobs]

Your ex has them almost half the week, if he had them for one more night per fortnight it would be considered 50:50 residency and I think he wouldn't have to pay any maintainence.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

The 50:50 thing is irrelevant as he would be needing to meet those costs during the time the child was with him this would include uinform

[Girlgonewild]

BigT I think that's so. It's why if you can ask the other parent to pay for the item direct it helps. I would have paid our chidlren's university costs for example whoever they live with and had we stayed married and our court order says I fund them and I have and will. if I were a non resident parent I would be happier to pay that direct to the university say than to the other parent. Ditto on clothes items. So if someone psychologically is trying to persuade the other parent to pay something they might find they get further asking for the item to paid direct with no money going to the other partner.

Non resident parents also seem to forget the huge extra day to day cost. Mine just went to a school fair - money needed. Yesterday they went to other things - money needed. If you don't live with children you forget the constant requirement for stuff. On Friday they needed money for a school bake sale and on and on it goes.

If we can get to a point where parents are forced to have children 50% of the time and split child benefit for those lucky enough to get it and share all costs half and half it would all work out a lot better particularly where both parents work full time and their biggest cost is childcare.

[RandomMess]

On the day he has them overnight I'd stop picking them up and feeding etc - he will have to use childcare instead, if he wants them on that day then it doesn't include you doing childcare for free!!!!!!

[Everytimeref]

I checked online yesterday and wasnt certain of the new rates.
It recently changed from net to gross and the rates changed. It was 25% under the net system and now 19% under gross system.

[NittyNatty]

Thanks all.

Well I still haven't heard anything. I'm really upset that he won't even reply to say a simple yes or no. I imagine it's a control thing.

I wonder whether I should just send him the details of where to buy the uniform so he has one for his house....

[NittyNatty]

The day I collect them is out of choice. I really do not want the person he uses for free childcare (not registered btw) to look after my children and would rather do it myself.

[ClaudoftheRings]

I think I'm in the camp of letting making him buy his own set of uniform for them if he really refuses to pay half.

What an arse. Frustrating to think that he's going to cause all this stress over things like going forward.

Not all men undercut. My DH pays 1200 a month for one child. Unfortunately, this doesn't stop his ex coming to him all the time asking for more for things which clearly should come out of maintenance, such as £11.50 for half the cost of DSS's oyster top-up.

[Fourormore]

I wonder whether I should just send him the details of where to buy the uniform so he has one for his house....

Yes this is absolutely the right approach. Why on earth would you buy uniform for him to keep at his house? Just make sure you have enough for your house, that's all you need to do.