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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my husband to sort his shit out

60 replies

KiwiNomad · 01/07/2016 12:09

OK so there have been many occasions where I have wondered what I am doing in this relationship but we have 2 little girls and he adores them....but has a problem with drinking which has been a constant but not always an issue but until he goes out or we disagree (fairly frequently) recently he drunk drove after an argument and smashed our car lights, was surfing escorts pages and tonight got caught over limit barely by police. He has to go to court but his residency and that of our girls are in process now- this may well mess it up. There is more to it but he is annoyed that I an cross....our eldest is having behavior issues and believe are in part because of our arguing....so times feel like I have an adolescent husband but he is also a lovely man on many levels. So confused

OP posts:
weeblueberry · 01/07/2016 12:14

Do you want to be with someone who browses escort pages (presumably with the intent of hiring someone) and drives drunk?

AgentProvocateur · 01/07/2016 12:16

He's not really a lovely man if he puts lives at risk by drink driving, goes with escorts and causes your child to have behavioural problems, is he? Why are you putting up with this?

pillowaddict · 01/07/2016 12:17

Even as an adolescent most men wouldn't consider hiring a prostitute or driving drunk. He is not a nice man, or good father if he is so selfish ad to behave this way. You and your dc would be better off without him.

molyholy · 01/07/2016 12:18

He is annouyed that YOU'RE cross!! Cheeky bastard. He may not be an alocholic, but he certainly has a drink problem and until he admits it, you are going to have to put up with this shit forevermore. He has put the child's home at risk ffs.

Arfarfanarf · 01/07/2016 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NicknameUsed · 01/07/2016 12:25

"He is not a nice man, or good father if he is so selfish ad to behave this way. You and your dc would be better off without him."

This ^^ with brass knobs on.

As far as I'm concerned no amount of lovely behaviour cancels out the drinking/drunk driving/surfing escort pages.

You mentioned residency. Does this mean that your husband is not from the UK? If he is asked to leave I don't think he can take the children with him, especially if he has a criminal record.

You know what you need to do.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 01/07/2016 12:25

His residency? He's got no respect for anyone here has he?

LadyAntonella · 01/07/2016 12:26

most men wouldn't consider hiring a prostitute or driving drunk

This^^. Not a "nice man".

PatriciaHolm · 01/07/2016 12:28

He's a repeat drink driver who has a problem with alcohol and looks at escorts.

He is not a good dad, or a good partner, as good parents and partners don't have such little respect for their families.

KoalaDownUnder · 01/07/2016 12:29

Every single husband on mumsnet who is a cheat/drunkard/liar/abuser/criminal is also a 'great dad' who 'adores his kids'.

Newsflash: loving your own kids is not a 'get out of jail free' card for all the other shit.

mouldycheesefan · 01/07/2016 12:31

You need to sort your shit out, dump him. Have some self respect and put your kids first.

NicknameUsed · 01/07/2016 12:31

I wanted to say that Koala but couldn't think of the words.

mummymeister · 01/07/2016 12:35

if this is your definition of a lovely man, then cant wait to see how you would define an utter bastard.

Don't for one minute think you are staying together for the sake of the kids because you aren't. they know what is going on. they will hear the rows, feel the tension and are pretty astute all round.

he will never ever voluntarily get his shit together. not today, not tomorrow, not next year. because your behaviour in supporting him is enabling him to be a shit with no consequences.

next time he drunk drives he could smash up one of my family. how would you feel then knowing that you have enabled him to carry on unchecked with this behaviour?

You need to open your eyes and see him for what he is a dangerous man for you and your children to be around.

Get away from this relationship and give some time and space to sort this out.

ifonlystpancras · 01/07/2016 12:35

I don't see what there is to be confused about OP. He doesn't adore his children and he certainly doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself. Dump him.

Rainbowqueeen · 01/07/2016 12:35

Does he adore your kids in " fun uncle who comes along plays with them and then leads his life however he wants way", or in a "would do anything for them including moderate his own behaviour to be a good role model for them way"?

The latter is a parent, the former is not someone who really really truly cares about your kids or you.

I think you should do some serious thinking about your future

ElspethFlashman · 01/07/2016 12:36

"Lovely man" my arse.

rosiecam · 01/07/2016 12:44

When you say he is a lovely man you may mean he is charming?

This is an act and has nothing to do with morals.

He may also be kind and generous when not drunk. Often, people use drinking as an outlet for stress that they do not show the rest of the time.

If he is willing to stop drinking and get help to do it, and he has never promised to do this before and failed, you may have a future. You will have to make it an ultimatum and give him no second chances though, otherwise you will get into an endless cycle of sober, drunk, row, ultimatum, sober, drunk, etc.

rosiecam · 01/07/2016 12:49

Adding: most people with a drinking problem have to get into way more trouble than he has before they stop drinking, so you will be lucky if he does it. Usually it is after the spouse leaves, kids stop speaking to him/her, job is lost, or someone dies in a car crash, that the "wake up moment" is triggered.

WellErrr · 01/07/2016 12:52

He's not a nice man; hes just not ^always
^ bad.
Which is quite clever of him because if he was always bad, you'd leave him, wouldn't you?

Jessbow · 01/07/2016 12:59

He chooses to drink and drive and if that puts his residency into question, its of his own making. he makes the choices, no one makes him.

EightAce · 01/07/2016 13:07

The breadth of the term "good Dad" or "lovely man" never ceases to amaze me. It seems to includes some absolute fuckwits. Someone who browses escort pages and drunkenly crashes their car cannot be included in these terms.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 01/07/2016 13:09

I don't think he should be given residency here!! We don't want him on our roads thank you very much!

MyKingdomForBrie · 01/07/2016 13:11

God I hope he doesn't get his fucking residency seeing as he's perfectly happy to threaten the lives of innocent people on the roads. What a complete and utter arsehole of a man.

Junosmum · 01/07/2016 14:20

By staying with this man you are showing your daughters that this is acceptable behaviour and an acceptable way to be treated by others. He is not a good father. The best thing you can do is show them that this is not acceptable. By leaving him. And I do not often advocate the LTB stance.

pinkdelight · 01/07/2016 14:27

Agree with the unanimous view that he's a twat, but also that you must must must know that this is not a matter of him 'sorting his shit out'. He clearly has many problems, is incapable of even recognising them, let alone doing anything about them, and until he does, there is nothing you can do about it. Nothing. Except extricate yourselves and your DDs from the situation, before he does serious permanent damage.

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