To expect my husband to sort his shit out

[KiwiNomad]

OK so there have been many occasions where I have wondered what I am doing in this relationship but we have 2 little girls and he adores them....but has a problem with drinking which has been a constant but not always an issue but until he goes out or we disagree (fairly frequently) recently he drunk drove after an argument and smashed our car lights, was surfing escorts pages and tonight got caught over limit barely by police. He has to go to court but his residency and that of our girls are in process now- this may well mess it up. There is more to it but he is annoyed that I an cross....our eldest is having behavior issues and believe are in part because of our arguing....so times feel like I have an adolescent husband but he is also a lovely man on many levels. So confused

The issue with the PR is as follows:
<a class="break-all" href="https://www.immigration.govt.nz/new-zealand-visas/apply-for-a-visa/criteria/permanent-resident-visa?nationality=nationality-GBR&country=residence-NZL&applying=no#www.immigration.govt.nz/new-zealand-visas/apply-for-a-visa/tools-and-information/character-and-identity/good-character-residence/slider" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">NZ PR Visa criteria
"You will also not meet our character requirements for residence if you:
... have, while holding a temporary New Zealand visa, or while unlawfully in New Zealand, been convicted of an offence in any country for which the court had the power to imprison you for three months or longer."
Drink driving, if convicted, meets this criteria.
He will need a character waiver (and specialist advice about getting that).
BTW you do realise that he can also apply for PR as a separated or divorced person? You don't necessarily need to stay with him for the PR grant.

"apparently because I don't give him much emotional support."

That is complete bollocks. smilingeyes11 is correct. Forgive me for trotting out this mantra but you need to know:

You didn't cause the drinking
You can't control it
You can't cure it.

His drinking is not your responsibility, it is his.

I can see the way his court case - and residency appeal etc etc - are shaping up already.

It's complex in that a man you see a lot of good in, and have happy memories with, can also be a twat with a booze problem. I notice that all his bad behaviour is when he's drinking, not in normal life and, to me, that's a hopeful sign. I have a shedload of experience of problem drinking and alcoholism both as the sober person and the drunk. Lovely people can be drunks. Given the right sort of support such people can get, and stay, sober. I've been sober for many years. I found Al-Anon a total waste of time. AA was a life saver.

It's really down to him when it comes down to mending your relationship. Is he going to deal with his drinking? Unless he is he's made his choice and you need to get rid. He needs to know that you're not going to accept any crap. Drunks are very manipulative, as are all addicts. If he buckles down and starts going to AA etc then, personally, I'd give him a second chance, but ymmv.

If NZ is like the UK then drink driving is something you need to be caught doing so the OP ringing the police about previous incidents wouldn't necessarily have led to police action. Now they have caught him they are prosecuting him and rightly so.

OP you can't save him from himself so save yourself and your children. He really doesn't sound worth the effort.
Best of luck.

Prawn

I'd agree with you on the 'hopeful sign' if the first crash while drunk had been any sort of wake-up call. It doesn't seem to have been, sadly, so it sounds as if he has a ways to go yet.

This time may be the first time OP has told him that if he doesn't stop drinking he's history. But if he won't go to any lengths to save this relationship OP would be better off without him. I stopped drinking because it was wrecking my very new marriage, and grieving my family. I stopped and never looked back. That was because they mattered more than drink to me. And I wouldn't have been able to do it alone - I tried countless times. I had 6 weeks in rehab then more than 6 years of regular AA meetings. It works if you work it, as they say.

Sadly, many drunks lose their marriage, their kids, their jobs, all their friends... Right down to losing their lives. Let's hope the OP's bloke registers how much he's got to lose.

I doubt that the OP actually has told him that, I'm afraid. (Or not in any way that he will understand or believe.) You know what it's like when people always have some alcohol in their system.

You did well yourself by the way. Very well.

Thanks FindersKeepers, I have categorically to him that he has to sort himself out and get help and he does get it. He realises how bad things have gotten and his stupidity, and is going to sign up for AA. Just to clarify we have been together 7 years and this is the first time he has driven under the influence as he used to be very careful not to. He hasn't actually used or talked to any escorts, but did look at a few listings online while drunk as I have not been very willing in that department for sometime due to the ongoing issues in our relationship. When sober apart from being a bit of a grump he is an engaged and involved dad to our girls. I don't condone any of his recent drunken behaviour but do know the good man inside, just hope he can find himself for the sake of our family but if not then I am not afraid of being alone. It would certainly make life easier for me. In terms of residency it is not yet PR he is eligible for as here on a 2 year partner category work visa. If gets deported then my girls lose their dad entirely which is not the best outcome, pretty sure that would also tip him over the edge and he would end his life. I will maybe move this to relationship thread....bit of a MN novice but needed some advice. Thanks ladies x

That's good then. If he really does 'get it'.

Good luck.