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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my husband to sort his shit out

60 replies

KiwiNomad · 01/07/2016 12:09

OK so there have been many occasions where I have wondered what I am doing in this relationship but we have 2 little girls and he adores them....but has a problem with drinking which has been a constant but not always an issue but until he goes out or we disagree (fairly frequently) recently he drunk drove after an argument and smashed our car lights, was surfing escorts pages and tonight got caught over limit barely by police. He has to go to court but his residency and that of our girls are in process now- this may well mess it up. There is more to it but he is annoyed that I an cross....our eldest is having behavior issues and believe are in part because of our arguing....so times feel like I have an adolescent husband but he is also a lovely man on many levels. So confused

OP posts:

smilingeyes11 · 01/07/2016 14:28

gosh he sounds peachy - I think you should do your utmost to cling onto him as he is such a lovely man.

PovertyPain · 01/07/2016 14:29

He sounds delightful, OP. I'm sure you would be delighted if your daughters grew up to marry a man just like him.

No? Then why would you find it acceptable to have this arsehole in your daughters' lives. Just think how much harder it's going to be to get rid of him if he gets his residency.

AnyFucker · 01/07/2016 16:13

Let's hope he doesn't get residency.

KC225 · 01/07/2016 20:21

Will he admit he has a drink problem? What happens when you try to discuss this sober? Will he chat with the GP with AA?

Unless he is prepared to face the truth and is prepared do something about it you will find yourself on a downward spiral. YOU already know it's not great what the drink driving and perusing prostitutes. It's humiliating and your children deserve better.

missymayhemsmum · 01/07/2016 22:32

This is not a one-off, and he is not committed to changing his behaviour, he is committed to coercing/charming you into tolerating his behaviour.
End the relationship before it's your kids in the car, and hope he loses his license.

agentmarmalade · 01/07/2016 22:44

A lovely man who adores his daughters?
No he is not.
You know he is going to hire a prostitute and continue with the drink driving whether you like it or not.
You can't change him.
He is also a really crap role model for your daughters.
Sorry, but that's the way it looks from here!

mummymeister · 01/07/2016 22:50

OP "AIBU"

Unanimous MN " yes you are. he is a destructive twat and yours and your childrens lives will continue to be a misery unless you take some action"

OP " Hmm didn't want to read that, think I will just not post again until I hear what I wanted"

Thread after thread after thread. He's a lovely man. he loves his kids. he just has this one problem, or maybe two or a couple of issues. anyway so what he loves his kid and is a good dad.

Why do women think so little of themselves that they think they have to settle for someone like this. How must their self respect and self worth have been destroyed to get them to this point.

woman just keep following the script and putting up with it.

agentmarmalade · 02/07/2016 02:32

Well said, mummymeister.

Seren85 · 02/07/2016 02:45

Well to misquote Chris Rock...loves his kids? That's just shit you're supposed to do. No brownie points there! Drives drunk? Looks up escorts? Tries to make you think the aforesaid is acceptable? Here....have my very first LTB.

LauderSyme · 02/07/2016 03:27

But you are not confused, are you? You expect him to sort his shit out. That sounds decisive and reasonable, not confused.
We are all complex and contradictory. But he is an alcoholic who is in denial and his behaviour is destructive. You and your kids are collateral damage.
Give him an ultimatum and follow through if he fails to reform.

Original poster

KiwiNomad · 04/07/2016 10:01

Sorry to duck out its been a hectic few days, thanks for all the wise words too. He is British asummer are our daughters but we live in New Zealand now. Apparently his residency might not be granted based on a court conviction and I have let him know me and the girls will be remaining here if he is deported. He certainly has problems including alcohol dependency and depression etc but seems to have really gone off kilter recently apparently because I don't give him much emotional support. This is partly true as I have become so fed up with constant dramas, paranoia and his dislike of my family. I started emotionally checking out a while ago......he knows he has messed up big time but I don't want to break my girls hearts. I've told him he needs to get proper help for the booze. The it's likely I will LTB but have to try and stick it out till we find out about residency.

OP posts:

KC225 · 04/07/2016 10:50

Do you have to stick it out? Can he not go and live somewhere else whilst residency is being sorted? Do you know when the residency decision will come through?

mrsfuzzy · 04/07/2016 11:03

been there, had this crap situation, it will get worse believe me, get rid off, end off.

smilingeyes11 · 04/07/2016 11:06

he drinks because he is a drinker - how could that be your fault?? Why would you waste one more day on him.

Barmcakebessie · 04/07/2016 11:14

This could be the wake up call he needs. Does he seem interested in getting help for the alcohol dependency ? Was he serious re escort surfing or was this a sick joke to wind you up? You need to distance yourself and your kids from him until he realises you won't tolerate this behaviour. I'm surprised your still even with him as you say your arguments are affecting your childs wellbeing..they come first.

cozietoesie · 04/07/2016 11:15

So while you're 'sticking it out', he drives drunk again and instead of smashing the car lights, he runs over and kills somebody or smashes into another car and kills the occupants. Either of which are entirely possible. What then?

EveOnline2016 · 04/07/2016 11:33

Why haven't you phoned the police when he has gotten behind the wheel drunk.

A good father yeah right, a good father wouldn't risk his life. A good father wants to be an active role he can not do that being dead from a drink drive accident. How can he support his children from the grave. How can he pick them up and read stories or teach them to ride a bike ect

If he isn't killed but has some life changing injuries does a good husband expect his wife to become his full time carer because he decided to get behind the wheel.

Not to mention the escorts. To me that is an affair. Did he plan to have sex with another women using the family money in which you could have had a family day out.

srslylikeomg · 04/07/2016 11:36

It sounds like his behaviour is impacting your children. "Stick it out" for them and get shot - is my blunt opinion. You could be seen to prioritising him over them, and I bet that's actually not the case. Play it out in your mind: you kick him out. Then, what? Your lives are easier, he has to get help, your children aren't exposed to this car crash.

hrtbigbutt · 04/07/2016 11:37

This man is not a good husband, you say you are staying as he is a good father to your kids, be honest with yourself, does a good Dad get in the car drunk, of think of spending money on escorts? You know the answer. Maybe you are scared of ending the relationship.

rosiecam · 04/07/2016 11:52

Is the problem that you are afraid that if you throw him out, he will not get residency in NZ because he is no longer partnered with an NZ citizen i.e. you, and you say your children are British by which I assume you mean they were born in the UK, so you are worried if he is deported, they may have to go with him?

If this is what is worrying you, you need legal advice ASAP.

smilingeyes11 · 04/07/2016 12:48

I think you are staying in this awful limbo as you are too scared of being on your own. But you are just delaying the inevitable. You need to be your own best friend here. He does not care about your happiness or welfare. He certainly is not a good father. A drunk prostitute user - why you think this is all you deserve is beyond me. You really need to look at why you are tolerating this. And the not eating or taking care of yourself just shows how low your self esteem is also. I would advise a dr appointment and gather whatever life support you can and kick him to the kerb.

cozietoesie · 04/07/2016 12:54

Out of interest, how did he 'smash the car lights'? That's collision territory.

FlindersKeepers · 04/07/2016 13:06

I'm glad you've mentioned you're in NZ, because as well as posting on Mumsnet, you might find some local support really helpful.
Here's some ideas.
Kina is an organisation for the families and whanau (like "wider family" in NZ) of people with alcohol and drug issues. They offer online and in person support, it is a charity and there's no charge to use it.
Alcohol Drug Help is a national free helpline which can offer telephone support to families too and can put you in touch with help in your area.
Al-Anon NZ offers group support for families, again it is free (or has a charge for tea and biscuits).
You may want to message Mumsnet HQ and ask them to move this post over to Relationships. It can seem even more daunting when you look at the sheer number of posts telling you to leave (it doesn't make them wrong, but that's for you to decide), but help is out there.
This isn't your shame to carry.
Please take up the support for you and your family.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 04/07/2016 13:21

What happens when he drives your children drunk? Will you say enough is enough when he is threatening the lives of your children (as opposed to the lives of other people's children)?

cozietoesie · 04/07/2016 13:27

Useful links, Flinders. It sounds as if the OP is up against it here, and some support IRL might be just what she needs.

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