To ask DP to rewash step daughters stinky clothes

[StinkyHouse]

Or am I being a paranoid mother? We have dd (3) and ds (6 weeks old) at home.

Dsd (13) arrived this afternoon from her Mums, who has recently taken up smoking in the house again.

When she walked in the smell filled the living room. Her clothes and especially her suitcase absolutely stank of cigarette smoke. I'm not talking a little whiffy here but full on eye water. She's a lovely girl and quite sensitive so obviously I pretended not to notice as didn't want to embarrass her. I did quietly mention it to my partner but he just said he didn't want to embarrass her by saying anything. I said ok but id want my clothes washed if they smelled like that.

When we went out with my mum to dinner she took me aside and asked if I'd started smoking again because she could smell it!! (gave up five years ago).

Anyway to fast forward to about half an hour ago I took ds and dd upstairs to bed and the whole upstairs now smelt. I ended up remembering something about 'third hand smoke' I'd read previously so did some googling.

And shit myself after seeing it linked to sids.

Now I don't want Dsd to hold ds again until we've rewashed her clothes. I've had a quiet word with my partner but he says I'm bring hysterical, it's just a smell and seems to think it's a personal slight on Dsd.

Aibu?

Aaaaand he now isn't talking to me at all. Brilliant.

YANBU. Send him a link to the advice re SIDS. For the sake of harming your dsd's feelings-plus it's not her that smells, it's her clothes, blame square on her mother-I would insist on a full wash. I think your DP is BU.

Personally I think you're being a bit OTT but if you're unwilling to let her interact with the 6 week old maybe you could explain the third hand smoke thing to her. She's 13 so old enough to understand. But please be careful not to hurt her feelings or make her feel like she's 'unclean'.

Tact, tact, tact!

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all xx

The advice from health professionals is to wash clothing so YANBU

When my partners daughter comes to stay it's the same. We quietly wash everything and she never notices. It's a shame for her to have to smell of 2nd hand smoke.

Poor DSD, not only are her clothes smelling but she is also at risk from the effects of third hand smoke more so than any of you as she is living with a mother who is smoking in the house.

Rather than make it DSD's problem by making her embarrassed about her clothes your DH needs to have a word with his ex, it's not acceptable that she is putting DSD at risk this way. I totally get that you want to protect your little ones from being exposed, I felt the same way when mine were young.

If DH has a poor relationship with his ex is there another family member who could have a word?

Not dsd fault at all. Let her hold baby for now (quickly sling everything in washer then dry it). Or pop them on the line to air. Perhaps take her on a shopping trip for some new clothes for her to keep at yours and her dad's.

I absolutely was planning on doing it gently. I was hoping to discuss the best way to do this with DP but he appears to have found the suggestion horribly offensive!

It can't be good for dad either. Poor girl has quite bad asthma and eczema.

I appreciate I may be being a bit ott, that's why I thought I'd check here. I am genuinely concerned/ terrified about sids all the time anyway.

YANBU at all, and your poor DSD who is at serious risk from second-hand smoke!

Sorry cross-posted. If DSD suffers from asthma then surely her mother owes it to her not to smoke around her? The poor girl.

Your DP is also being unreasonable by suggesting that YOU are being unreasonable. Even if you were (and you're not), you gave birth only 6 weeks ago and it can be a very fragile and sensitive time.

She did hold baby earlier and he is asleep now so it won't be an issue until tomorrow. I was hoping it could have quietly been sorted by then.

Unfortunately communication with dsd's mum is out of the question. Brief history: she barged in to his house when we started dating (I was there) and punched DP. No not ow, she had left DP three years previously for someone else.

We have to go through a third party to arrange contact and DP understandably won't say anything to her for fear of contact being stopped again.

I know just how it feels to have a DP who takes every fucking word that leaves my mouth as a personal slight on DSD 💐

Does he smoke by any chance? Perhaps the smell doesn't seem as strong to him as it does to you.

After a tactful chat with her, I'd take DSD out to Sainsburys / Matalan / Primark to buy her a cheap capsule wardrobe that can stay at your house.

And tell your DP to do one - it's not his DDs fault and you're not making it out to be such. By sulking and ignoring you he's turning it into a far bigger issue than it needs to be, which will make your DSD even more embarrassed.

Why not go with PP suggestion of going shopping for new clothes to keep at your house?

It's basically a really fucked up situation for dsd and I really wish I could say something but it wouldn't help her if I did, just make it more strained for her.

This is the first time everything has stunk so badly.

Return that's quite a good idea! I like it!

Yes right now there is an atmosphere in the house and there didn't need to be one at all!

I swear he must have watched too many Disney films. It's almost like he's determined I WILL be an evil step mother at some point and he just has to watch out for it!

Just wash it all whilst she's in bed. 'Spill' your coffee into her bag if you have to.

No return he doesn't smoke he gave up three years ago.

He does am have a shite sense of smell though so maybe he genuinely thinks ita not that bad.

Your poor DSD having to put up with 2nd hand smoke especially if she has asthma

Hopefully you can get just get on with getting it washed and dried because it needs doing!

I completely understand where you're coming from with being so afraid of sids, I have a 4 month old and I must wake up 5-6 times in the night just to check she's breathing! However, saying that is there any chance dsd could have taken up smoking herself? When I was 14 I started smoking due to people around me doing it, my mum smoked in the house too I think that influenced me. I just can't ever remember the whole of the upstairs stinking of smoke even when my mum smoked in the living room let alone just from some clothes! When I was 14 I used to go to my dads house and slip to the bathroom to have a cheeky ciggy and he used to complain the whole of upstairs smelt of it too, is this a possibility?

I don't think she has but I could be wrong, it's quite a stale smell iykwim?

You don't need spurious health panic articles about 'third hand smoke' to be revolted by the smell and keen to wash it off.

You're being a bit paranoid. The risk must be infinitesimally small.

However, cigarette smoke smell is vile!

So you have to weigh up living with the unpleasant smell factor (3rd hand smoke is OTT) with upsetting a lovely girl by telling her she smells.

I'm sure 5 years ago when you smoked you smelled of smoke and would have been mortified to be told that.

Is dsd happy at her DM house? She can choose to live with her dad at that age.

Is your relationship with DSD good enough for you to have a quiet word - blame yourself for being hypersensitive etc - and offer to give some of her stuff a quick rinse? My parents both smoked like chimneys - it must have been horrible for my friends and I was acutely aware of how I must smell in non-smoking homes. And this is a loooooong time ago when most people did smoke in their homes.