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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DP to rewash step daughters stinky clothes

67 replies

StinkyHouse · 29/05/2016 19:15

Or am I being a paranoid mother? We have dd (3) and ds (6 weeks old) at home.

Dsd (13) arrived this afternoon from her Mums, who has recently taken up smoking in the house again.

When she walked in the smell filled the living room. Her clothes and especially her suitcase absolutely stank of cigarette smoke. I'm not talking a little whiffy here but full on eye water. She's a lovely girl and quite sensitive so obviously I pretended not to notice as didn't want to embarrass her. I did quietly mention it to my partner but he just said he didn't want to embarrass her by saying anything. I said ok but id want my clothes washed if they smelled like that.

When we went out with my mum to dinner she took me aside and asked if I'd started smoking again because she could smell it!! (gave up five years ago).

Anyway to fast forward to about half an hour ago I took ds and dd upstairs to bed and the whole upstairs now smelt. I ended up remembering something about 'third hand smoke' I'd read previously so did some googling.

And shit myself after seeing it linked to sids.

Now I don't want Dsd to hold ds again until we've rewashed her clothes. I've had a quiet word with my partner but he says I'm bring hysterical, it's just a smell and seems to think it's a personal slight on Dsd.

Aibu?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/05/2016 19:52

Perhaps you just broach it as "I'm one of those annoying ex-smokers that feels ill at the smell of stale smoke, sorry to be a pain but I'm going to rewash your clothes so we don't miss out on snuggles?"

peggyundercrackers · 29/05/2016 19:53

I don't think your unreasonable wanting her clothes washed when she comes back. Just empty her case and wash it before they go upstairs though. You cannot dictate to others about what they do in their home and try and get them to live by your standards.

Yabu when you starts going on about third hand smoke though, I think the link between third hand smoke and everything else is tenuous at best and yes worrying about it is a little hysterical.

TwentyCupsOfTea · 29/05/2016 19:55

Honestly, they are clothes that have been in a house where someone smokes. I don't see how that can make the whole of your upstairs smell? I agree with a pp... Check her things to see if it's actually her who is smoking.
If not, and it really smells that bad, then just buy some new clothes to keep here as a present for when she is next here. Clothes that have been near cigarettes in another house DO NOT pose a great threat so try not to worry.
Of course if she is smoking herself your DP may have alteady guessed. He might not know how to handle that, so is unfairly taking it out on you.

scaevola · 29/05/2016 19:56

Your DD has probably gone nose blind.

I think the idea of having at least some clothes which live at your house is a good one.

And (as a parent of teens myself) I suggest you do keep an eye out for whether your DSD is smoking herself. The level of reek you describe is more typical of a smoker, rather than someone exposed to second hand smoke.

Fishcake72 · 29/05/2016 19:58

You are being ridiculous. It smells crap so wash them but the other stuff? Calm down! Come on, you know you are being daft.

listsandbudgets · 29/05/2016 20:00

Please may I make a special plea?

If you go and buy her some new clothes please accept that some of them may end up back at her mum's. I am 40 and I still remember my step mum standing over me and my 2 siblings instucting us to change back into the clothes we'd arrived in at the end of an access visit I hated being told "you keep these clothes here and have other clothes for your mum's house". Its hard enough moving between 2 homes without being forced to change your clothes as well :(

Original poster
StinkyHouse · 29/05/2016 20:04

You all may have a point, I'll keep an eye open. Oh bless her I hope not, her asthma is bad anyway!

I do appreciate I may be being hysterical re: third hand smoke. I haven't been myself the last couple of weeks and have been a lot more anxious/ hyperchondriac than usual.

I don't think DP is going to let me suggest anything without an argument to be honest, he's gone very arsey.

OP posts:
Original poster
StinkyHouse · 29/05/2016 20:05

Lists Sad I wouldn't do that to her, bless you.

We do buy dsd clothes here but she usually takes them back with her.

Maybe if I just buy so much she can't physically carry it all back Grin

OP posts:
Iknownuffink · 29/05/2016 20:06

Poor girl.

I agree a capsule wardrobe at yours if you can afford it.

P'raps show her how to use your washing machine too. She may be aware of the stench but is unable to do anything about it.

NaffOffMartha · 29/05/2016 20:08

Excellent point lists.

Any new clothes should of course be given to DSD unconditionally.

With any luck she won't need to pack so much stuff to bring with her next time though. I grew up between two houses and that was the part I hated the most: dragging everything back and forth.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 29/05/2016 20:13

One thing to note is if you have just given birth then you may still have the "pregnancy bloodhound nose". (I still have mine three years after my last baby!)

So it may not be as bad as it seems.

Doesn't stop it being horrible though.

Can you wash her clothes she wore today overnight so at least there is one non smelly set. Be interesting to see if she chooses them.......

Katedotness1963 · 29/05/2016 20:13

I think it would be easiest to have her leave the clothes her dad buys her at yours. Jeans and tee-shirts are jeans and tee-shirts. Then you only have the outfit she shows up in to worry about. At the age she is i'm sure she can understand about smokey smells annoying the baby.

wallywobbles · 29/05/2016 20:21

Ask her. My smalls would get back from their dads and strip off immediately and go and wash their hair and have a bath. Aged 2 & 3 onwards. They hated as much if not more than I did. Just ask her. She's quite likely to be grateful to have a few days smelling nice.

Hellothereitsme · 29/05/2016 20:23

You do have to be careful. She may tell her mum that you told her that she smells of smoke. They might cause problems for your DSD. Very difficult. My DSs use to stink when they come back from visiting ex Inlaws for the afternoon. Even their pants stank. If they took their school bags with them then they would stink too. It really is toxic.

WeAllHaveWings · 29/05/2016 20:30

dh has a friend who smokes, whenever he has slept over at his house his bag and clothes are reeking and need washed and the bag aired outside.

we are both ex smokers who are hyper sensitive to the smell now and it makes me feel ill for hours.

its a difficult one with dsd whos only 13, fair enough you don't want her clothes to smell at your house, but raising it is letting her know everyone else can probably smell it too.

sepa · 29/05/2016 20:34

Can you wash them when she is asleep? Then accidentally spill something on the duvet to wash that tomorrow. I feel sorry for DSD as its no way her fault but I agree her clothes need washing.

Does she have her own roo/space at yours? Maybe worth getting her some clothes for your house?

sepa · 29/05/2016 20:38

This is why I should read first. Everyone has suggested the clothes at your house.
I agree that some will end up back at her mums but you could sell it saying leave some here then you don't have to pack when you next stay

ohtheholidays · 29/05/2016 20:43

You sound like you really love your DSD.I'd wash the clothes for her when she's gone to bed and with the suitcase what about buying some febreeze,spray that on the suitcase(outside)it's supposed to get rid of any bad smell rather than just masking it.

I think buying her some new clothes would be a lovely idea as well.
I don't know what you can do with regards to her Mum smoking in the house around her being as you said about her attacking your DP in the past.But it is a real shame that her Mum's doing that especially being as your DSD has asthma.

e1y1 · 29/05/2016 20:47

I would want them rewashing too, I say that as a smoker, although NEVER in the house or the car.

For it to smell that strong on her clothing, I can't imagine what the atmosphere at her mums house must be like, it'll be in her bed/mattress,, curtains.

That poor girl, I hope she isn't getting teased at school or anything for it.

Original poster
StinkyHouse · 29/05/2016 20:55

Yes dsd has her own room.

Dsd knows she can choose where to live as she has mentioned it a couple of times ie: 'what school would I go to'

I think we did a pretty good job of making sure she knows she is always welcome to make that choice without putting any pressure on her.

I think she's flirted with the idea but obviously loves her mum and friends where she is.

We do buy her clothes and she lies to take them with her but is imagine if there were a lot she might leave some.

This is where being a step mum is tricky I guess. I wouldn't leave my two in smelly clothes.

I think I will just covertly wash them as I can if DP can't be made to see they need doing.

I have some febreeze for the bags and a couple of those sheets that go in bags.

OP posts:
Foofoobum · 29/05/2016 21:00

I was that kid who stank of her family's smoke and it humiliated me. I'd have loved someone to offer to wash all my clothes so they didn't reek of smoke even just for the short time I was out the house. Friends parents used to ask if I smoked it was that strong. Maybe ask the dsd if she notices it. She may open up about it

chunkymum1 · 29/05/2016 21:05

I understand what you mean. My nieces used to stay with us a lot they were younger and my DC were babies. Their dad was a heavy smoker so when they came to us their hair and clothes smelled really strongly of smoke and when I opened their suitcase the smell hit me even worse. I was really upset for them -I don't think they realised there was a smell since this was clearly normal for them but I'm sure other children must have and the older child had a bad time at school anyway. But I was also concerned for my own DC.

It actually helped me that their mum would sometimes put dirty clothes in their case if she thought they might need something that she'd not had time to wash. So I used to get some a selection of nice bath bombs etc kept pyjamas for them each at ours- that way I could suggest that they had a nice bath when they got to us (the excuse was that they'd be hot after the journey). I'd then wash all the clothes they brought, using the excuse that I was a bit daft and couldn't remember what mum had said needed washing so I did the lot.

Could you use a similar approach and get her some nice toiletries etc to keep at yours and maybe instead of washing all her stuff suggest she keeps a few clothes at yours. The excuse that you want to save her mum the trouble of having to wash and pack etc each time might make this look better for you. You could use a similar excuse to wash whatever she arrives in- ie just getting it clean as it's not fair that mum has all the washing to do when she DD gets home.

I really sympathise as I'm sure it's harder to deal with as step mum than it was the 'dotty aunty'.

19lottie82 · 29/05/2016 21:34

Yes it's nasty. My DSDs GM smokes in the house and they go there after school, plus it's often used as a go between place for them as its between their mums place and ours and if they bring back bags of clothes They STINK!

I don't think there's any point trying to be sensitive here, your DSD needs to learn that smoke makes things smell. Just wash her stuff whenever she arrives.

mummyto2monkeys · 29/05/2016 21:34

YADBU, I used to look after a little girl every weekend from when she was new born until she was just past three. Her sixteen year old Mum and Grandmother chain smoked in front of baby and pram etc. The first thing we did when she got to my house was bathe her and put her in the clean clothes that we kept at our house. We made the mistake of asking for her pram one weekend, it stank of smoke. The inside was dark yellow, my Mum and I scrubbed it and were shocked to find that the colour was actually white. We went through an entire bottle of Milton and several buckets of water which was like tar after. I felt sick, luckily we were able to air it outside all weekend as it was summer. We bought a second hand pram to keep at our house instead.

I remember wanting to cry, holding this beautiful newborn baby, who should have had that gorgeous newborn smell but instead a d smelled like a filthy ashtray.

With your sd OP, you could take her shopping, tell her you want her to have clothes that stay at your house, that this is her home and she shouldn't have to pack a bag to come home. If she really likes something offer to buy her two so she can take one home. Take her shopping for deodorant, perfume, shampoo, shower gel etc and a lovely wash bag. Buy her some make up and hair accessories etc. Make her room more personal, maybe help her choose a new duvet cover etc. Make it about her having her own space in your home, so all she needs to bring is her lovely self and her homework.

19lottie82 · 29/05/2016 21:36

Twenty we would tell the girls to put their bags upstairs at the back of a bedroom but they'd still come back smelling of smoke. It gets EVERYWHERE in a house.