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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask DP to rewash step daughters stinky clothes

67 replies

StinkyHouse · 29/05/2016 19:15

Or am I being a paranoid mother? We have dd (3) and ds (6 weeks old) at home.

Dsd (13) arrived this afternoon from her Mums, who has recently taken up smoking in the house again.

When she walked in the smell filled the living room. Her clothes and especially her suitcase absolutely stank of cigarette smoke. I'm not talking a little whiffy here but full on eye water. She's a lovely girl and quite sensitive so obviously I pretended not to notice as didn't want to embarrass her. I did quietly mention it to my partner but he just said he didn't want to embarrass her by saying anything. I said ok but id want my clothes washed if they smelled like that.

When we went out with my mum to dinner she took me aside and asked if I'd started smoking again because she could smell it!! (gave up five years ago).

Anyway to fast forward to about half an hour ago I took ds and dd upstairs to bed and the whole upstairs now smelt. I ended up remembering something about 'third hand smoke' I'd read previously so did some googling.

And shit myself after seeing it linked to sids.

Now I don't want Dsd to hold ds again until we've rewashed her clothes. I've had a quiet word with my partner but he says I'm bring hysterical, it's just a smell and seems to think it's a personal slight on Dsd.

Aibu?

OP posts:

RubbleBubble00 · 29/05/2016 22:01

just thought, if you have a tumble drier perhaps you can pop clothes in on a freshen up cycle with some tumble dryer sheets

Mari50 · 29/05/2016 22:18

I would buy her some clothes to wear at yours actually, take her out and make a day of it, which would be much nicer than making her feel dirty and stinky by washing her clothes when she arrives. Imagine turning up at someone house and the first thing they do is tip out your suitcase and wash your clothes because they smell- not so nice. It's not her fault so instead of making her feel ashamed of her mum, make her feel good with some new clothes

getyourfingeroutyournose · 29/05/2016 22:22

I like the idea of taking DSD on a girly clothes shopping trip, just the two of you. Tell her you fancy some new clothes would she like some new clothes for when she is at your house? Spin it so it means she doesn't have to lug clothes around with her. It also means that she has her own things at yours so it's less of a sleep over and more of an actual home to her... I suspect she may be requesting to live with you guys at some point anyway and she is old enough to legally make that decision. Do not push her though. Just make it homely enough that she is comfortable at yours. The poor girl must find it horrible. I did at that age because DF smoked inside all my life. I stank to everyone else and was bullied thanks to it. She probably wants you to help. Just make sure you do it as gently as possible.

Just5minswithDacre · 30/05/2016 02:11

Difficult.

I think going into the teen years you need to be sensitive around laundry and personal belongings anyway.

Please don't treat her bags as though they are yours to delve about in.

nuttymango · 30/05/2016 03:11

Can you keep some lovely clothes for her at your house that she can have whenever she is there, maybe you and her could go shopping together so he can choose some clothes and make an occasion of it - have lunch together or coffee and a hot chocolate somewhere?

Snowberry86 · 30/05/2016 03:29

I have a ten year old niece who spends weekends and school holidays with me. All her clothes constantly smell

Snowberry86 · 30/05/2016 03:31

Posted too soon...

Her clothes smell damp and musty like.

She had a whole wardrobe here so that she barely brings any clothes with her now. The things she does wear get washed the minute she gets her.

It's what Ive always done so she is used to me throwing everything in the washer straight away.

I think a wardrobe for your house is a good idea. Tell her it will save her bringing much with her and give her somethings to look forward to wearing when she comes to stay.

Kiwiinkits · 30/05/2016 04:03

I think you're being paranoid and a bit hysterical about the possible effects of third hand smoke on your baby.

mummyto2monkeys · 30/05/2016 13:06

From someone who had to spend hours scrubbing a pram with Milton, to turn the dark yellow stained pram white again, I completely disagree that you are being hysterical! Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it's not there!
I would never contemplate putting a tiny new born baby into that filthy pram, why should you contemplate putting your baby close to clothes that are saturated with nicotine and tar!

coco1810 · 30/05/2016 16:03

OP, everyone has more or less covered the necessary advice. I just wanted to add that you genuinely sound like a lovely, caring SM. She's very lucky to have you.

Original poster

StinkyHouse · 30/05/2016 17:07

Hello all, but of an update.

DP apologised for going off the handle a bit, he's genuinely terrified that if it got back to dsd's mum that contact would stop as has been threatened in the past.

Turns out dsd knows, she said she isn't offended just embarrassed about the smell. We've now washed all her clothes and are going to get some more clothes for her just for here which she is very happy about.

OP posts:

Gide · 30/05/2016 17:24

Fabulous resolution, well done, StinkyHouse

sepa · 30/05/2016 20:37

I'm glad you had the talk with her. Now she knows she will have nice smelling clothes when she goes to yours. It's sad that this is happening to her. My mum smoked in the house when I grew up. Luckily she quit as I wouldn't of had DC in the house if smoking was continuing as I remember what it was like!

Acornantics · 30/05/2016 20:49

We used to have a neighbour who smoked in their own house, and the DCs used to come home stinking of it, even their hair would smell. They quite quickly stopped going to play there as they noticed, and didn't like the smell. We used to have to wash their clothes when they'd been there, it wasn't pleasant at all.

Catsnores · 30/05/2016 20:52

You sound like a lovely thoughtful stepmum. I've been in your DSD's situation and it sucks. Glad for her she has you.

Lovemylittlebears · 30/05/2016 20:55

Go and buy her a cheap wardrobe with clothes she can choose and make let her keep it at yours. It will be nice for her do this and have this stuff at yours too. Easy way round it all. Having said all that if she were my daughter I wouldn't tolerate her breathing in the second hand smoke all the time id have to try and sort it out - but I don't have a set up like yours so can't imagine what it's like to be in a tricky situation.

KamMum · 31/05/2016 10:42

Yanbu. Cigarettes stink and I'm sure your SDD knows that's. Just explain softly to her that the smell is not good for babies and you she needs to wash her clothes.
When I had my son, I wouldn't let any smokers hold her unless they washed their hands, rinsed out mouth and had removed their outer coat and put a muslin square on their chest 😂

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