Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel guilty and that ds deserves better?

55 replies

BlueSpanishEyes · 24/05/2016 09:55

Every day I feel so guilty that we live in a tiny rented flat, all my savings are slowly disappearing since I went on Mat leave, I'm so worried that we will never be able to take ds on nice holidays, buy a house with a garden for him etc. I genuinely thought we could afford to have a baby and now I cry with guilt thinking that he will have such a basic life with us.

OP posts:
Leopard12 · 24/05/2016 09:59

At this age he will have no idea about space, as he gets older yes a flat will be more awkward in terms of having friends round but that's years away! Being loved and stable environment is so much more important than size of your house and cheap holidays can be just as fun!

MrsMushrooms · 24/05/2016 10:00

It sounds like your care about your DS a lot and want to give him a great life. That's a lot more important than a garden.

I'm sure things will start to pick up once you're off mat leave and you can rebuild your savings then

Lelloteddy · 24/05/2016 10:01

How old is your baby? How are you feeling otherwise?

curren · 24/05/2016 10:02

When Dd was a baby we were absolutely skint. We only spent £20 on her for her first Christmas. Because that's the very most we can afford.

Small kids don't care and most bigger kids would prefer a loving family rather than stuff or a big house.

Both my kids are older and we are more comfortable. But I don't regret the kids or the years we spent skint. It was a happy time, regardless. Don't ruin these precious years feeling guilty. You baby is loved. That's what he needs

MrsJayy · 24/05/2016 10:04

I brought 2 children up in a flat rented for 10 years before we bought buying a house isnt the main focus having happy contended children are you find a holiday that suits your budget you have days out you have fun and then they go to bed safe and happy

MrsJayy · 24/05/2016 10:06

You sound really sad and fearful of the future but honestly he will be ok

ijustwannadance · 24/05/2016 10:12

He doesn't NEED a house with a garden or lots of holidays to be a happy child. The only thing he needs is a loving happy mum.

I left my job and spent every penny of my savings to give myself longer with my DD before having to go back to work. Don't regret it for a second.

HappyHeart87 · 24/05/2016 10:25

Oh OP you sound really low Flowers. How are you feeling generally since having your baby? Is it just this that you're feeling upset about?

It sounds like you really love and want the best for your baby, and that's worth so much more than holidays etc.

FWIW, my parents brought us up on a shoestring. Very, very basic gifts on birthdays and Christmas; very basic food; all second hand clothes etc. I'm SO grateful for that start in life now because I think it taught me to be contented in any circumstances.

Pinkheart5915 · 24/05/2016 10:30

You baby must be very young as your own maternity leave so he has no idea on space yet, he just wants milk, love and somewhere comfy to sleep.

Even grown up children don't need a garden there are parks and such like you can take them too.

Holidays most children are happy with camping even.

Of course the above things are nice if you have them but if you don't that's ok too!

Once your maternity leave ends might things pick up?

You sound very down on yourself, do you have a dp/DH you can talk too? Friends?

JustMarriedBecca · 24/05/2016 10:31

Honestly, don't worry. We are ok off, decent city jobs etc but we lived in a small one bed flat in London for ages after DD was born. And we also took DD abroad on a fancy foreign holiday which was pretty pants as it was so stressful keeping a moving baby in the shade in hot weather. Now we take all our holidays in the UK - way more fun for her to go camping and rockpooling than sitting at some knobbish 5* resort. Babies want you and they want affection. Everything else is just fluff (see also toys - kitchen utensils and a stick from the park preferable to plastic crap).

Original poster
BlueSpanishEyes · 24/05/2016 10:37

ijustwannadance that makes me feel a bit happier, I too have used all my savings in order to spend ds's first year at home with him.
He's 15mo sorry I forgot to say.
I have pnd and anxiety and the thought of going back to work just now makes me feel sick with nerves.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 24/05/2016 10:44

If you are not well then of course these things are going to seem a massive deal to you but once you are well you will see they are not. When are you due back at work?

MrsBertBibby · 24/05/2016 10:50

Gardens are waaaay overrated when you have tinies. All that time mowing and cutting when you could be having fun in the park, where someone else does the work and you just get to smell the flowers....

TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 24/05/2016 10:58

As long as you have money for the basics (food, clothes, heating etc) then all that other stuff doesn't matter.

You clearly love your son or you wouldn't be worried about this. And that's what he'll remember when he's older, the love, not that you didn't have a garden. Flowers

ijustwannadance · 24/05/2016 11:02

Do you have a plan/timescale to go back to work? Will DS go to nursery/childminder?

As MrsJayy said, if you aren't well everything will seem a massive deal.

Leigh1980 · 24/05/2016 11:15

I'm going to get slam dunked for saying this but I'm coming from the other side. Is there no way of renting a small house with a garden? I would have been utterly and completely miserable if I didn't grow up having a nice garden to play in. I used to almost live in it, far more than indoors. I climbed trees, built tree houses and played horses and fairies etc. I wouldn't have had the beautiful memories I have now if I had of lived in a small cramped flat. I'm sorry but when people say it doesn't matter, it would have mattered to me. I couldn't think of anything worse. I'm really not trying to make you feel worse but please do try to get something at a later stage with a garden at least. Parks wouldn't have done it for me as I would be relying on someone else to take me there. At least I had my own freedom in my own garden. Regarding holidays, we had a caravan to go away on weekends and those were the best memories of my life. Perhaps you can buy a cheap caravan and go caravaning on weekends instead by the beach or mountains. It's so much cheaper and nothing beats having bbq's by a caravan.

minipie · 24/05/2016 11:27

Leigh1980 but you wouldn't have known what you were missing, would you? And you would have found different games to play.

BlueSpanishEyes - I think the PND and anxiety is a much bigger issue than the money. Are you getting any help with it?

MrsJayy · 24/05/2016 11:31

I grew up in a council maisonette till i was 11 you dont know any different its just your house

BertrandRussell · 24/05/2016 11:32

"I'm really not trying to make you feel worse"

I'd never have guessed......

Leigh1980 · 24/05/2016 11:37

I would have Minipie as I would visit friends houses and played in their gardens and then I wouldn't have understood why I didn't have my own to play with. Maybe it was different for me as I didn't know anyone in a school who lived in a flat. In fact it was a novelty when I visited an elderly lady who was a friend of my parents who did actually stay in a flat and I was so excited to be in a flat for the first time. I was about 8/9!! But I wouldn't have known what to do in one except watch TV and play board games. You can't even play catches or hide and seek as there's nowhere to run or hide really. We used to go to my friends house who had horses and play really Cowboys and Indians with plastic bow and arrows on horses. It was the most fun ever and we always wanted to go to their house to play. I just couldn't imagine having an indoor life. But maybe that's just me.

Leigh1980 · 24/05/2016 11:39

Actually Bertrand I wasn't, it's just everyone kept saying that it doesn't matter not having a garden and I went against the grain offering a different opinion that to me it would have and not agreeing with everyone else. It's not about making someone feel worse, it's about offering another side.

Leigh1980 · 24/05/2016 11:42

That's also why I acknowledged that I will be slammed, as it seems that if you go against the grain and don't agree with everyone on MN, you get slammed.

runningincircles12 · 24/05/2016 11:43

Leigh1980, that's a really helpful comment. I am sure it will ease the OP's mind considerably.

So basically, any old garden wouldn't have been enough? Would have to have been a garden with trees to climb and build tree-houses in. Surely a simple patio would be insufficient for this? By this reasoning, all children growing up in inner London (apart from those with rich parents who can afford large gardens) would have a childhood blighted by misery which is quite clearly rubbish. Children adapt to their circumstances. You could have all the trees in the world and still have a miserable childhood- I know that I did. Equally, if you have parents who love and care about you and can go to the park, play indoor games, read, play sports, watch films etc, you can have an absolutely fantastic childhood even if you do live in a flat.

Leigh1980 · 24/05/2016 11:46

I was giving another opinion only, make of that as you will.

BillSykesDog · 24/05/2016 11:48

He very clearly has a Mum who loves him very much and is concerned to do the best for him and give him a good future. That makes him a very lucky boy indeed and is much more important than a back garden.