To feel guilty and that ds deserves better?

[BlueSpanishEyes]

Every day I feel so guilty that we live in a tiny rented flat, all my savings are slowly disappearing since I went on Mat leave, I'm so worried that we will never be able to take ds on nice holidays, buy a house with a garden for him etc. I genuinely thought we could afford to have a baby and now I cry with guilt thinking that he will have such a basic life with us.

The child is only 15 months and isn't likely to have memories of where he lived as a baby. The OP has PND and anxiety and is therefore worrying about things in the future. The OP may well be able to move somewhere with a garden in the future, and I'm sure the child will enjoy it, but a garden is not the issue-you could live in a penthouse and not have a garden! The OP is worried about money and the future-the child is safe, loved and spending time with his Mum. That's what counts in the early years-enjoy these, OP, and take things as they come. Hopefully you are getting help and support through your PND and anxiety. for you.

No Leigh, you get slammed for putting down a person already struggling.

I have a big garden. Ds (5) has only really enjoyed it the last year. I never went in my garden growing up.

A baby does not need a garden to happy. Stocking the boot into someone is not the same as 'coming at it from the other side'. How does your post benefit the Op? Will it magic enough money to move?

And ideally horses too running

I wasn't putting anyone down. All I meant was to say if someday if they can afford to rent a small house with a garden then to consider it.

Leigh1980, if I look back on my childhood, I can't imagine not being able to swim in the sea every day in summer, and have a boat of my own to take out when I wanted, and to ski in the woods in winter, and roam over the fields without adult supervision from an early age, and watch the sun set over the rocks in the evening, and pull my own supper out of the sea.

If you didn't have any of those things, your childhood must have been utterly miserable. If you have children of your own, I do hope you do the right thing by them and move to Scandinavia. Because as an internet stranger, my childhood experience, and my childish ideas of what a child's must-have's are, should totally be allowed to dominate what you feel you must give any child of yours.

For the record, my children haven't had the childhood I had. My DM probably thinks they are deprived. But they have had a totally different childhood, with different experiences and different possibilities and different things to get excited about. Including some which I rather envy them.

None of us can give our children everything. But we can all give them something. And the most important thing we can give them is to show them how to make the most of the here and now.

"We used to go to my friends house who had horses and play really Cowboys and Indians with plastic bow and arrows on horses"

Which were you, Anne or George? Lashings of ginger beer and plenty of imagination

Yep I grew up with horses. I had my own. I don't think that anyone else should do this.

If the OP can afford a house with a garden one day, I am sure she will go for it. If that's what's she wants. However that doesn't help her now.

A baby needs to be kept clean and warm, be fed and be loved. It's doesn't need a garden. Therefore the op shouldn't feel guilty or feel she is letting down her child. You basically told her she is.

I was always George when I was roll playing the Famous Five Betrand, thanks for asking.

When you're in a hole, Leigh- stop digging.

Gardens only come into play when a child reaches 4+. The op's DS is 15mths so I hardly think her priority is to pop down to the money tree and picked off a deposit.

She has anxiety and pnd and doesn't need to be told that yes, she is failing her baby by living in a flat. Hell, even if they're still living in a flat when he's 10, if he's warm, fed and loved then that's all that matters.

Op, have you looked into returning to work? Perhaps returning just p/t would suit you better initially. Have you spoken to your GP? It could be that a course of ADs might help lift the black feelings and allow you to enjoy yourself and your baby more. Good luck.

OP your job is to keep them safe, loved and ensure they have the skills and education to have a good and confident future. Your small flat and lack of cash (as long as you can afford the basics) will not make any of those things impossible. If you give them the above they will have a lifetime to travel and experience the things that some kids get earlier (skiing for example) and just take for granted.

I grew up in a house with 3 floors and a decent sized garden. I ended up miserable because my dysfunctional alcoholic parents barely spoke to me and I felt hideously lonely. Would have done much better in a small cosy flat with a caring mum.

I grew up in New York City; everyone lives in an apartment in NY, no one has a garden, and most of the parks are not very leafy. I still had a very happy and very active childhood. As an adult, I love walking and being in the woods, and love trying to garden.

My children grew up in a house in the country with a garden, and as young adults they hardly value it, never want to go for walks, and refuse to do any gardening.

getting out every day to the park will help you a lot. your ds doesnt need a garden but he does need to get out every day walking and playing in the park. even if it's just half an hour.
start by making a plan to do that... your ds needs you to do that for him, rather than feeling guiltiy or sad about a future

going camping or basic holidays youth hostels will be fine for your ds.

tiny rented flat is a bind but it is not the main problem here - the main issue is for you to seek help and support with your anxiety and pnd.

if you were in a big house with a garden but struggling with anxiety then that would not be good either would it?

you say "we" - where is your partner/husband?
does he work/earn money?
what does he suggest for the future plans?

what are your options for working?

make a plan for you to go back to work so you can save money for future holiday and maybe move to flat with a small garden.

but go to gp and or health visitor and get some support for your anxiety and pnd and find a way thru that.

try and get out every day to the park with ds.
is there a one o clock club in the local park?

And for holidays - it doesn't take a lot of money to have an adventure. Some of the best summer days when I was a child were going on an adventure with Grandma. We'd pack a picnic lunch and get on a bus (she'd have her bus pass and I'd get a child's day ticket- that was all we'd spend all day). We'd just see where the bus would take us. If we saw something interesting we'd get off and explore (I'm sure Grandma really knew where we were going though). We'd find new parks, visit the seaside, climb church towers, find a free exhibit at a local art gallery. Sometimes we'd go back to old treasures and see if they had changed.

They were just the best days ever. I didn't notice that we weren't spending money (which Grandma didn't have) just that I was doing interesting things with my favourite person in the whole world.

Are you getting help and support for the pnd and anxiety? I also suffered from this and did not get medical support until DS was 4 years old and often I feel so guilty about the years I wasted..... I honestly can hardly remember his first 4 years at all. I was in a fog. (I can recall posting on MN when DS was about 2 years old saying I did not know how or what to play with him....... I was utterly useless!).

What everyone else said about parks etc. Your DS is too young right now, but then make full use of parks and all the outdoor things they offer. My local wildlife charity offer loads of days out for young ones.... den making in the local parks, bug spotting etc plus some further afield days such as rockpooling days at the beach.

My favourite memories growing up were camping with my parents and my grandparents. That only lasted until I was about 7 when my parents financial circumstances improved and we started going abroad. Honestly.... the camping was more fun and we are going camping in the half term as I hope to build happy memories for my DS too.

I honestly think the biggest issue for you right now to deal with is the pnd and anxiety your poor darling.

Oh, and we have a garden, complete with a trampoline and one of those kits where you have a tennis ball on a stick in the ground. I don't think DS has ever played with it, or indeed expressed any interest in being in the garden. (He is 6).

I live in a tiny, one bedroomed flat with my DP and 5 and 3 yr old. DP is working on his business in all available time and I have a PhD scholarship, which covers the rent and living expenses when combined with some of my savings. We don't have a garden, we are on the second floor.

It's not ideal but we are doing our best. I'm having to do a PhD in order to keep up with the demands in my field, academia, and should be able to get a reasonably well paid job when I finish. I'm feeling the need to post this as I'm sure there will be posters who feel it appropriate to start interrogating me as to how I got myself in this position and what I am going to do about it.

I know that sometimes it is the case that your best isn't good enough, but I really feel it is and if it wasn't, what is it that we reasonably could do with the guilt that we could entertain about it? We take our DC out everyday of the summer, we have an allotment we share, we go camping as regularly as is possible, we are very careful to do a lot of nature based activities in a range of settings. We talk to the children often of our work towards a bigger place with a garden of our own. We are in HA and on a list but at the moment, even if a 2/3 bed place came up I'm not sure we could afford a hike in our rent, so we'll have to make the best of what we've got.

Of course we're aiming for 'better' for our children. But actually, it is a bit shit to spend your child's childhood ruminating on what they haven't got and why it is not good enough. This is the only chance they'll get at it so you do your best with what you've got, you teach them to both love what they do have AND you teach them toward the ideal.

My children might not have a back garden or much space but they are in one of the richest countries in the world, they are pretty privileged next to the global average. Of course I very selfishly want to give them the whole fucking world. They'll be utterly fine if I don't though. What would fuck them is bad relationships, lack of opportunity, lack of connection, lack of security. We had a garden when I was a kid but tbh if you are fundamentally depressed and anxious as I was as a kid then you barely notice the pretty flowers. More important than a garden of your own is the ability to see how wonderful such a thing would be, and you can't do this if you aren't secure, stable, if you don't have the emotional space to think about anything other than your own demons.

MrsMortis Your post just made me well up a bit, thinking about days out with my mum and nana. Lovely memories don't cost a thing.

Your DS is the same age as mine an I also have PND and anxiety that I've been on medication for and I've been where you are. Looking at friends who can afford to take their DCs on holidays and have big gardens with summer houses to play in etc… where as we have a small 2 bed house that does have a garden but it's gravelled. Only recently did I have a cry because CM has one of those cozy coupe cars that DS absolutely loves but we haven't got room for one so I decided I was the worst parent in the world (This was when I was in the middle of a medication swap..)

Your son will be absolutely fine and as long as he is loved and has somewhere he feels safe and secure. I grew up on a council estate in a mining village, we didn't have much, I never went on foreign holidays or could afford to do all the things some of my friends did (schools trips to france, have the 'in' school shoes, the best trainers etc…) but I had a fantastic childhood. Instead of jetting off to foreign holidays during the holidays we went camping in the local woods and told ghost stories before all snuggling up together in the tent. We went for long walks by the canal and went wildlife hunting and bird spotting. It was great.

Are you getting the help you deserve for your anxiety and PND? If I wasn't getting the help I currently am or be on the medication I am I know I would be in a completely different place right now.

People all over the world love in flats it's considered normal and healthy. I'm sure your kid will be fine as long as they get plenty of outdoor time.
Gardens are rather boring compared to woodlands, beaches and parks.

Live*

Stinky I am so scared to go to my GP, what did you say to them? I'm scared I might just burst into tears. Everything feels so stressful just now. My Dp has two jobs and I am
A SAHM, we agreed this works best for us just now. He is a brilliant dad and partner and I feel so guilty that he has to put up with how I feel most days. I cry myself to sleep some nights worrying about money. It feels like a hopeless situation.

spanisheyes I did exactly that, walked in to the GPs room and just burst into tears. They were amazing. They never once made me feel like a bad mother, they didn't rush to get me out of the room. He listened to me as I poured my heart out and told him my son would be better off without me,
that I was scared I was a shit mum and an even worse wife, I couldn't leave the house because I was convinced something horrific would happen to DS and that I could never see how things would get better. This was after DH spent an evening on the phone to the Samaritans outside the bedroom door because he was scared I was going to leave.

They referred me on to a postnatal mental health team who came out to see me the very next day. It sounds terrifying but I had a brilliant nurse who came out and spoke to me and made regular visits for the next 4 weeks to see how I was getting on. They referred me to a psychiatrist who prescribed anti depressants and I gradually took tiny baby steps to making things better. It was the best thing I ever did, the medication has helped and I feel the happiest I have done in a long time.

You deserve to feel happy, please think about going to see the GP. I promise you you won't regret it

Well, I grew up in a house with both a front and back garden. My childhood was shit. Utterly miserable. My mate is a single mum with two kids, lives in a 2 bed, first floor flat with no garden at all. Happiest kids you'll ever meet.

Please do go to the GP, you deserve to feel better.