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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell friends about their partners plans?

56 replies

rufftweetdave · 23/05/2016 10:04

I have been best friends with a couple since high school. We were part of the same club and hung around together with a few other people. In year 9 Bob and Jane (changed names) got together and have been a couple for 15 years. They have 3 kids but never married.

My husband does an activity with Bob twice a week and during that time me and Jane get together.

She confided in me that she isn't happy anymore and wants to leave Bob.

Every time we have been alone together shes spent the whole time sharing her plans. She has rented a house without Bob knowing and has been secretly furnishing it. Jane and Bob are going away Friday to Monday and we're having the children. Jane has said she's going to leave Bob after they get back. I haven't told Bob because it's none of my business. I haven't told my husband either as he would tell Bob.

Yesterday my husband got back from the activity and excitedly told me Bob as announced he is proposing whilst they are away and has bought ring costing £1800.

I immediately told my husband of Janes plans. He wants to tell Bob, I want to tell Jane but should we keep out of it?

OP posts:
Amy214 · 23/05/2016 10:09

Just leave jane to it, its better it comes from her and the sooner the better. He might be planning to propose when they go away?

NotBadConsidering · 23/05/2016 10:09

At the very least you should make sure Bob keeps the receipt.

dillydotty · 23/05/2016 10:10

Now is not the time to say anything. Let them work it out between themselves.

EDisFunny · 23/05/2016 10:12

No, do not get involved. Don't tell either party.

Branleuse · 23/05/2016 10:12

keep out of it, but tell your mate that you dont want her to confide in you about it as its making you feel extremely awkward.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 23/05/2016 10:13

I wonder how the friendships will survive? Bob would be gutted to know that you have known, yet... it's not your place to say anything. I guess all you can do is encourage Jane to fess up to Bob asap.

gamerchick · 23/05/2016 10:13

In your shoes I would be cornering Jane and tell her what he's planning and she would be a right dickhead to still go away with him. She needs to bring her plans forward instead of dishing out a double whammy of hurt.

RandyMagnum · 23/05/2016 10:14

I'd tell him personally.

BeautyQueenFromMars · 23/05/2016 10:15

Don't say anything to either of them, it's for them to sort out. The holiday could turn out to be the perfect opportunity for them to talk things through, with the proposal being the catalyst for that conversation .

sonjadog · 23/05/2016 10:17

I would stay out of it because you don't really know what is going on. Why is Jane getting everything sorted out in such secret before leaving in a hurry? Why is he proposing right now as she is about to go? Is he aware of what is going on and the proposal is a way to try to keep her?

There is too much unknown for someone outside their relationship. Stay out and let them work it out themselves.

spanky2 · 23/05/2016 10:19

Maybe Jane was leaving him because he wasn't taking the relationship to the next level. Maybe when he proposes she'll stay with him?
Don't say anything to either of them.

BillSykesDog · 23/05/2016 10:23

No. It needs to come from her.

WannaBe · 23/05/2016 10:27

It's one thing to be planning to leave because you're unhappy. It's quite another to be renting and furnishing a house in secret which you intend to leave to - after your romantic break. Jane sounds like a prize bitch.

Tbh I wouldn't get involved because I'd bet she's a drama lover, and will come back wearing a big rock and all loved up. Until she continues her leaving plans.......

Maverick66 · 23/05/2016 10:37

Wannabe has it well summed up.

ClarkL · 23/05/2016 10:40

Perhaps he knows something is wrong in the relationship and things a wedding will be a sticky plaster to distract?
It's best to keep totally out of it because they may just come back from holiday engaged!

ChicRock · 23/05/2016 10:40

I was thinking exactly what WannaBe said.

She's going away with him for the weekend and will then tell him she's leaving after they get back?

That's pretty calculating and nasty.

ManonCrempog · 23/05/2016 10:43

Calling her a bitch is a bit much. We don't know why she's felt the need to sort somewhere to live before telling her DP that she's going, do we?

LemonBreeland · 23/05/2016 10:43

It does seem odd that Bob is so unaware of Jane's feelings that he is going to propose. I'm with WannaBe, you need to stay well out of it.

And why go away with him then leave? Makes no sense.

ample · 23/05/2016 10:45

Don't say anything. And your DH should do the same. Nothing comes of protecting or preparing bad news to friends this way.
See what comes about after they return but even then - stay clear of getting involved with what you know. It's been my experience third party knowledge often makes matters worse.

Obviously don't know the whole story but I feel sorry for Bob

KittensandKnitting · 23/05/2016 10:46

I'm very much a leave people to their own devises but poor Bob.

Cannot understand why this woman has rented a new flat because she has decided to leave but is waiting until after a romantic weekend to break it off, I'm guessing as she wants a break from kids and a holiday.

I'd be hoping my DP told Bob... And be telling friend that she is not very nice for stringing Bob along.

Poor Bob :(

AnyFucker · 23/05/2016 10:47

Stay out of it.

shovetheholly · 23/05/2016 10:47

I know the comments of 'How can he not know?!' sound sensible from the outside, but there are many, many people who dislike confrontation so much that they would rather hide their feelings and make one big stab at getting out than talk about them and work things through. I know several relationships where someone has been completely blindsided like this - and I have been there myself (and I'm not a thick-skinned, oblivious person - if anything, I'm too much the other way). Sometimes everything you think you know can be turned upside-down, and it's not your fault that you didn't see it coming!

Don't say anything - let the couple work it out their own way. Just be supportive to both of them as far as you can.

ARoomDimAtNoon · 23/05/2016 10:48

I would just leave it and come back to tell us what happens

WannaBe · 23/05/2016 10:52

"Calling her a bitch is a bit much. We don't know why she's felt the need to sort somewhere to live before telling her DP that she's going, do we?" there are millions of threads on the relationships boards from posters who thought they were in happy relationships until their partner came home one day, declared they don't love them any more and move out without there ever being any hint of anything having been wrong.

Wanting to end/leave a relationship is one thing. It's quite another to be so calculated about it, especially to go to the trouble of renting a house, furnishing it etc, and then planning a romantic break without the children beforehand during which Bob is going to propose.

Why should we assume that Bob is proposing out of desperation to keep his relationship together? Perhaps he genuinely has no idea that his wife has been renting and furnishing another house behind his back and is planning to leave with their children after presumably a planned dirty weekend.

Yes, she sounds like a bitch.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 23/05/2016 10:57

Perhaps Jane isn't seeing it as a romantic weekend but as an opportunity for them to talk about how their relationship is failing without the DCs in earshot.

Time and again on the relationships board, people in EA or DV relationships are advised to secretly plan how they will leave. In fact DV charities give the same advice, as it's the most dangerous time.

Perhaps I'm overly cynical but I think it's more likely that's why Jane has kept it quiet and Bob is going for a grand gesture/Disney partner moment to (a) try to win her back (b) show his friends how hard done to he is when she still leaves

Anyway OP don't say anything. Jane and Bob need to work this out themselves.