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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell friends about their partners plans?

56 replies

rufftweetdave · 23/05/2016 10:04

I have been best friends with a couple since high school. We were part of the same club and hung around together with a few other people. In year 9 Bob and Jane (changed names) got together and have been a couple for 15 years. They have 3 kids but never married.

My husband does an activity with Bob twice a week and during that time me and Jane get together.

She confided in me that she isn't happy anymore and wants to leave Bob.

Every time we have been alone together shes spent the whole time sharing her plans. She has rented a house without Bob knowing and has been secretly furnishing it. Jane and Bob are going away Friday to Monday and we're having the children. Jane has said she's going to leave Bob after they get back. I haven't told Bob because it's none of my business. I haven't told my husband either as he would tell Bob.

Yesterday my husband got back from the activity and excitedly told me Bob as announced he is proposing whilst they are away and has bought ring costing £1800.

I immediately told my husband of Janes plans. He wants to tell Bob, I want to tell Jane but should we keep out of it?

OP posts:

Longtalljosie · 23/05/2016 10:58

It may not be a romantic break in Jane's eyes. It may be a good opportunity to get the children' out of the way so they can do all the unpleasant stuff without them hearing.

Whisky2014 · 23/05/2016 10:59

Do not say anything. Do not alter their lives, let them work It out themselves.

I bet the partner has noticed jane is being different and thinks a proposal will fix it.

curren · 23/05/2016 11:03

I wouldn't say anything. But I would let my dp make his own decision about what he does.

In any case I would expect this to be the end of the friendship you have with them.

WannaBe · 23/05/2016 11:03

Well, presumably if this was an abusive relationship Jane would have confided this to the OP along with her plans to leave, and the house she has rented and is furnishing behind her partner's back?

If the OP had any concerns for Jane's safety she would presumably not be agreeing to look after the children so they could go away together?

Let's not jump to the "he's an abuser," conclusion just because she' spanning to leave him.... She sounds calculating, manipulative, and personally I wouldn't be having anything to do with any of it.

FWIW I know people who are always talking about how they plan to leave their partners because they just can't live like this any more etc etc. And then they don't leave, and next year they have the same conversations, and twenty years later they're still together..... Some people just love the drama.

ChicRock · 23/05/2016 11:04

I'm guessing if there was any violence or abuse Jane would have told or at least hinted of it to the OP.

My money is on Jane having met someone else.

WannaBe · 23/05/2016 11:06

"My money is on Jane having met someone else." yep and mine. And they're renting the house together, which she is planning to move her and the children into as soon as she has a break away with Bob.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 23/05/2016 11:08

Well let's not leap to Jane is a bitch and is cheating on him since the OP hasn't said either of those things.

Pinkheart5915 · 23/05/2016 11:10

I wouldn't say anything, It's there relationship and I'd stay out of it.

It's up Jane to tell him

Nannawifeofbaldr · 23/05/2016 11:10

After all the millions of threads on MN where women tell of living with a horrible (but not necessarily violent) man who seems lovely and charming to everyone else I really can't understand why several posters are jumping to the conclusion that "Jane" is a calculating bitch.

She might well be but equally he could be a controlling, malevolent man. She might not have a choice about going on the weekend.

Did none of you read the recent thread about a poor woman who didn't even have control of her contraceptive choices?

OP stay out of it. Let them sort it out themselves.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 23/05/2016 11:12

That was in reply to Wannabe because imo MN is full of people leaping to conclusions. That doesn't make mine any less or more valid than the ones jumping to pillory Jane.

And anyway my advice to the OP still stands - let them sort it out themselves.

Openmindedmonkey · 23/05/2016 11:12

Please let it go at Jane & Bob's pace.

Buggers · 23/05/2016 11:14

Is there a reason she's so organized to move out other than not loving him anymore? Is he controlling or has she simply lost interest?

APlaceOnTheCouch · 23/05/2016 11:15

Nanna yy exactly - I almost feel I should bookmark this thread as it's a perfect response to the threads where certain posters complain that men get such a hard time on MN - as though women are universally lauded and supported.

But hey Bob bought a ring after 15 years and just as his partner is about to leave him so his intentions must be good

Theoretician · 23/05/2016 11:20

I think say nothing. Jane's secret deserves to be kept by OP, and Bob's plans were confidential to OP husband. The fact that OP and her husband have now shared does not mean information should be passed further. With hindsight it would have been better not to share.

I'm surprised at people calling Jane a bitch. It usually takes a lot to leave a relationship. Even if the reason is another man she thinks she will be happier with, that's a legitimate reason for leaving, it doesn't make her a bitch. If Bob has no idea she's unhappy that is probably because him being told wouldn't help. Jane believes that her issue with him would not be solved by talking to Bob. We have no justification for second-guessing her judgement on that.

VikingLady · 23/05/2016 11:22

If he's finally proposing after fifteen years and it coincidentally comes at a time she's secretly planning to leave him, at a time she's made sure the kids are away from any fallout.... It sounds like she's escaping his co trip and he can feel it, and is trying to reel her back in. She'd normally stay in the house with the kids and he'd leave, so if she's already making a new home for her and the kids instead, what does that suggest?

Or she could be a cow. You don't know.

Either way, keep out. Unless she actively asks for help.

clam · 23/05/2016 11:27

How's it going to work out afterwards, assuming she does leave him? Will your dh stay good friends with Bob, and you with Jane, but separately? Or do you think you might end up dropping one of them, in which case, which one would it be? please don't say poor Bob.

TFletchersWife · 23/05/2016 11:28

What if Jane is the victim of domestic violence and this is why she is planning an "escape"

You can NOT interfere

debbriana · 23/05/2016 11:31

Jane is a very clever woman. On mn we tell women to leave when they are not happy or in abusive relationships, She has. Not only has she planed her exist, she has made herself secure by avoiding the children feeling and herself feeling homeless.

Fact: we all don't know if the Dp is abusive or not. She is not a prized bitch by planing her exist. If it was a safe relationship she would probably do what she has done.

Seeing that they are not married. He probably owns the house and it's in his name.

Kudos to this woman.

The op should stay out of their business. Remember the messenger always get shot. May be what she has been asking and waiting for is the ring.

Theoretician · 23/05/2016 11:31

FWIW I know people who are always talking about how they plan to leave their partners because they just can't live like this any more etc etc. And then they don't leave, and next year they have the same conversations, and twenty years later they're still together..... Some people just love the drama.

Or maybe the short-term difficulty/cost/pain threshold associated with leaving is so high that they remain trapped in a miserable life forever. In that case, a potential new partner might be the incentive they need to get out of relationship they should leave even if it meant being single. I don't believe that people who have affairs and subsequently leave are doing anything wrong, though I have no real-life experience of this in any capacity.

DoubtfireDear · 23/05/2016 11:37

I'll go against the grain here and say I think you should let Jane know of Bob's plans, or at the very least encourage her to speak to him about things before they go away.

We don't know much background from what you've posted but assuming there is no violence/adultery etc involved I think it would be kinder if she knew his intentions and have a chance to bring this up with him before he goes all out.

Itsaplayonwords · 23/05/2016 11:39

No good can come of telling either one of them. If you or your OH we're to tell Bob then Bob will be pissed off with you that you didn't tell him sooner and Jane will be pissed off that you told your OH. If you tell Jane then Bob will be pissed off with your OH for telling you about the proposal and telling Jane, rather than telling him not to do it and the reasons why.

I do think that it will probably come out down the line that you knew anyway, but if Bob is the injured party in this (depending on Jane's reasons and the situation) then he's going to need your OH to be his mate and help him through it. It doesn't have to come out that your OH knew Jane was going to leave or that you knew about the proposal. I would make an agreement with your OH that you never tell them that you told each other so you can at least maintain your friendships (him and Bob, you and Jane) and support them through a situation that will be difficult for both of them and for the kids.

It's a shitty position to be in.

MistressDeeCee · 23/05/2016 11:42

A bitch is a female dog, and ignorant women could do with using that word a lot less around here. Hopefully those of you calling a woman that, don't do so in real life or at the very least shut up when you hear men using derogatory terms towards women, since you do the exact same

OP you don't know why your friend is leaving this man. We only ever know what others choose to tell us. There are 2 sides to every story. & no matter what, only 2 people in a marriage know the truth of it, friends only think they know.

In your shoes I would keep well out of it after all, you've done so thus far and are only thinking of telling because there's now a ring involved

What if Jane is the victim of domestic violence and this is why she is planning an "escape"

This is what came to my mind immediately, especially as renting alternative accommodation is pretty drastic, as would saying "no, I don't want to go away with you" possibly ring alarm bells if he's a man that doesn't want her to leave. She could be going on the trip to give the semblance that everything is normal. You just never know. Even if you think you do

Mind your own business. Bob will face whatever there is to come, as unpleasant as it may or may not be. Incidentally if you did tell him and it caused a huge row, fall out, fight etc what would you do? Retreat back into a corner and leave them to it? Would you be worried for your friend's safety? Worried about them both? If eventually you do decide to tell you'd better have a plan re any fallout because I doubt you'll be left to just drop the news and run off - you'll get pulled into it

For this kind of thing I truly wish women wouldn't confide in friends. The amount of threads I see on here with women reeling out their friend's business about situations normally to do with men, and joining in she's a bitch/grabby/vain etc conversations makes me think you're far safer and better off only confiding in a professional, if need be

JaceLancs · 23/05/2016 11:56

I would stay out of it totally
On another note someone I knew bought a house outright out of their personal savings (pre marriage) secretly then moved out with children whilst the other party was away for a weekend - we were all

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn · 23/05/2016 12:05

I would tell Jane that she really needs to rethink her plans to go away and leave it at that.

Do you think that your DH is really going to say nothing? I imagine he is going to find it hard not to, and I don't blame him. I would seriously struggle to pretend I didn't know. And you will see them when they drop their kids off!

Oh and as for the fact he is controlling or she is having an affair, ffs. Why can't people just post about the facts in the OP instead of coming out with ridiculous accusations. No one knows why she is leaving him or why he wants to propose. Maybe he decided they should get married after 15 years (took my uncle 23 years) and maybe she just doesn't want to be with him anymore. Not every man is controlling!

NannawifeofBaldr · 23/05/2016 12:06

Beyourself no of course not, but not every woman that wants to leave is a bitch.

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