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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to share DS's birthday 🎂??

60 replies

Sassypants82 · 09/05/2016 11:09

My DS turns two soon, he's an only child & we're thrilled to bits with him. His Aunt's birthday is the day before his & this year, his little family tea party will be held that day, as it's a Sunday & the family are available etc. My DH has steamrolled ahead & invited the family round, effectively for a joint birthday celebration & its really pissed me off. I realise this probably harks back to my having to share, somewhat, my birthday growing up, every year with a sibling (we're not twins) & also due to the fact that DH's sister constantly requires his help for various reasons & I've had issues with how much time he's spent away from his own family doing shit for her. I should say, I genuinely like her, its more him than her insisting on doing stuff for her (although she'll ask too) & I think he feels a sense of responsibility for her, however she's made some pretty stupid decisions & has needed alot of support from her family through the years.
Anyway, I know it sounds stupid but AIBU to be pissed off? My own family will be there & I think it's weird having her birthday party with them, despite it being on the day of her actual birthday. More annoyed DH just went ahead & put it out there without asking me. Having re-read this I know it sounds ridiculous yet I'm severely pissed off. Told DH that I would not welcome any more joint celebrations in the future. Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:

riceuten · 09/05/2016 11:13

No, but on this occasion, just suck it up and know it (probably) won't happen again

Cressandra · 09/05/2016 11:14

I think you are, sorry. It sounds like this is about your own history. He is only 1, he really won't know the difference, he'll just adore having everyone there.

Just make sure there are separate cakes and singings of 'Happy Birthday'.

FoxyLoxy123 · 09/05/2016 11:15

YABU. It is actually her birthday that day, not your son's.

MrsSteptoe · 09/05/2016 11:17

Ummm.... perhaps slightly, although not over the lack of consultation thing!

I guess this is a bit of a one-off, or at least something that won't happen for a few years to come, because your DS's birthday celebrations are happening on her birthday. But I don't think you can really demand that your DH not see his DSis (who he's presumably loves, if he's always doing things for her) on her birthday if there's a clash with your DS's. Yes, immediate family of wife and kids comes first, but I think you should be a bit cautious about laying down aggressive markers about contact with his family, IYSWIM!

I mean this gently - but it does sound a bit as though you're quite resentful towards the DSis.

FWIW, I am very hands off with family because of my upbringing/baggage, but I can see how much my DS longs for extended family when he sees all his friends with aunts, uncles, cousins etc. So you also need to be clear that when you ban joint celebrations, you are pleasing yourself, but you are not necessarily doing the right thing for your son. If I could do it all over again, I'd be much more family orientated in the hope that my DS would feel less deprived by comparison with his friends.

I'm really sorry that it's got to you, though. God knows I get annoyed about all kinds of things that aren't reasonable. So I do sympathise!

NannawifeofBaldr · 09/05/2016 11:18

I get where you are coming from but I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

To be honest, they won't be 'sharing' a birthday - it will all be about the child. The Aunt is likely to feel that get birthday has been rather sidelined I'd think.

Suck it up this year, later on discuss with your DH about not making arrangements without discussing with you.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 09/05/2016 11:19

Yabu.

Brightnorthernlights · 09/05/2016 11:20

Your child is two and will appreciate more that his extended family are around him, making a fuss. It is not SIL fault that her birthday is the day before his.

If I'm being totally honest I can see problems for you in the future (which will inevitably have a negative affect on your son) as your concept of family as 'his own family' seems a bit immature. You have decided to hold a family tea party on the days of SIL birthday yet you resent her blowing out a candle?

LyndaNotLinda · 09/05/2016 11:21

He's 2. He will be delighted by lots of people and attention. Soon you will be having parties with his friends so this won't be an issue.

Let it go :)

WorraLiberty · 09/05/2016 11:22

Perhaps your dh feels bad that on her birthday, the family are going to be sitting with a baby who will have no clue what's happening, nor will he ever remember?

I agree with the PPs who said you should suck it up this time.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 09/05/2016 11:25

This is nonsense. Your son won't care! Its very immature to get upset over something as trivial as this.

NicknameUsed · 09/05/2016 11:26

I don't get the big deal either. Sorry.

Rebecca2014 · 09/05/2016 11:28

Your being precious, he's 2 years old...

NapQueen · 09/05/2016 11:29

Well, you did choose her birthday for his celebration.

Rebecca2014 · 09/05/2016 11:30

Also poor sil, you hosted a party on HER actual birthday. Well done on your oh for not leaving his sister out.

Original poster

Sassypants82 · 09/05/2016 11:33

Thanks for your input all. Just to clarify, I definitely have resented SIL in the past for various reasons, mostly pertaining to my DH spending alot of his limited time doing stuff for her. Actually I realise it's more him than her, in that he insists & offers alot more than she'll ask for. He has often offered things to do with me (or my possessions) without consulting me & I've always had to let that go, although bitterly on some occasions. I totally get that my feelings for these situations on occasion have been totally unreasonable. And as I said, it's more DH than her. He absolutely loves her, she's his little sister & they get on great. As it happens I like her alot, but I don't like some of the decisions she's made & how they have affected the extended family. But all things considered, she's a really nice girl who does her best.

Just to clarify, on the day of the birthday celebration, I by no means meant that I would rather not have her there. I just would have probably preferred that the celebrations were kept separate because I suppose I don't want my DS to feel jess special as it's not only his birthday celebration. I realise how this sounds.. And that that's how I felt when I was a kid in this situation. So I get that it's my issue.

My DS regularly sees his entire extended family as we live close & get together very regularly & as OP said, he absolutely loves it. He's mad about all of his aunties & uncles & the feeling is mutual, it makes me very happy & is something I would never, ever threaten.

Thanks again for the objective opinions, I'm sure we'll have a great day & hopefully I'll be consulted next time something like this crops up!

OP posts:

queenoftheboys · 09/05/2016 11:35

So you consider your family to be your son's family, but not your husband's family?

YABU and petty. Your son will enjoy having both sides of his family around.

MrsSteptoe · 09/05/2016 11:36

Have a lovely day, Sassy
These small person birthdays are really precious - make sure you get loads of photos, both of your DS and your DS with his aunt!

Rebecca2014 · 09/05/2016 11:37

Um if you wanted the celebration separate, maybe then you shouldn't host the party on the sil actual birthday?? Surely that would solve the problem, lol.

Sorry hope you realize how childish this all sounds.

LyndaNotLinda · 09/05/2016 11:38

But this isn't about you. It's your DS's party and he's a baby.

Stop projecting.

Original poster

Sassypants82 · 09/05/2016 11:40

Definitely consider both sides to be DS's family. Was simply using His family & my Family to define what I meant. Fwiw he spends mire time with DHs side, but is loved equally by all his extended family. I mentioned that it could be weird celebrating Aunt's birthday with my side as, although they of course know her, they wouldn't be invited to her birthday party if that makes sense.

It's been great to get all the objective opinions & I realise how trivial this all is. But I was / am a bit pissed off, however petty that may be.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 09/05/2016 11:43

I just would have probably preferred that the celebrations were kept separate because I suppose I don't want my DS to feel jess special as it's not only his birthday celebration

Then stop planning his celebrations on your SIL's birthday

Cressandra · 09/05/2016 11:45

Turn it round the other way OP. You've chosen to have his celebration on his aunt's birthday. Presumably you'd invite his aunt anyway. How could you invite someone to a party on their own birthday, and not give them a cake and a candle to blow out too?

DailyFaily · 09/05/2016 11:46

My DS shares his birthday with my DM so any family birthday celebration we have always involves them both. I can reassure you that DM gets very little attention during these - she gets cards/pressies and people say happy birthday of course, but all the fuss is directed towards DS as you'd expect.

Arrowfanatic · 09/05/2016 11:46

YABU, basically you're saying is that on her birthday you would rather she had her gathering at 12 and your son's and 1 so that they can be kept separate. Utterly ridiculous. Your DH is being a kind caring brother inviting his sis to enjoy her birthday along with her nephews and frankly you are acting like a spoiled so and so. My eldest shares her birthday with my younger sister and to this day 7 years on I still remember the heartbreak I felt when my mum rang my sister to wish her happy birthday and then broke the news to her that my daughter had been born that morning and my sister was furious that I had done this, that her birthday was no longer just hers and that I had ruined her birthday. I wanted her to be excited and got the opposite.

Bottom line, you don't want to share Sunday, change the day of your son's celebration so it's not on your sil birthday as she can't change the date she was born.

Jessbow · 09/05/2016 11:49

At least grandparents don't have to choose who to send time with. Nice for them anyway.

If , in future, you dont want your son to share his birthday celebration with his aunt, don't celebrate on the same day- simples

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