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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how i respond to this text?

58 replies

Theladyloriana · 07/05/2016 17:56

I am going through a pretty dreadful split with exh. Unfortunately he is unable to financially contribute to the DC, but does have them eow and over night once a week. This means I pay for pretty much everything else.
He wanted more clothes for our DD aged 1, but doesn't want to buy any. Feeling sorry for him and not wanting my DD to go without while she is there, I packed a large bag full of clean clothes for him to keep all the time, not an overnight bag, which I felt I could spare as it were from her day to day clothes. If it's relevant, he didn't say thank you when he was given it which really upset me. He has started to stop returning shoes and clothes that have gone with them in the weekend bag which I have found pretty annoying as ds had nothing but school shoes for a few days. Exh lives in a large messy house and has their clothes all over the place when I've gone round- I haven't wanted to over step my mark and go around picking them up/ tidying up.
Really don't know how best to approach this as I really cannot afford to buy enough clothes for two homes,which I guess would be the least confrontational way of resolving it. I should also say I left a lot of clothes for them at the house when I left, again so there would be things there for them when they were there.
This is the text I received ten minutes ago

For (dds name) I now have tops, lots of winter tights, one pair of shorts no skirts, no leggings and no socks. When you put a bag of clothes together can you please try and put together complete sets/outfits of clothes.

Have I gone mad? Please do tell me if I'm doing something wrong, being in some way unreasonable, if there's something I've not thought of... or if he is the entitled, gob smacking knob I think he might be?

OP posts:
Pearlman · 07/05/2016 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pearlman · 07/05/2016 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iamdivergent · 07/05/2016 18:00

What pearlman said

Amy214 · 07/05/2016 18:01

Send him directions to the local primark if hes that strapped for cash! I bought a load of cheap leggings and t shirts for dds playgroup/nursery as i didnt want her good clothes to get ruined by paint.

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 07/05/2016 18:02

YANBU at all. Tell him straight. You don't have the money to buy clothes to stay in both houses and he needs to give you the clothes back when he hands DD back over.

My ex always used to give DS'S clothes back to me in a bag. Obviously washing them didn't occur but he didn't expect me to fund 2 wardrobes.

BibbtyBobbityFeckOff · 07/05/2016 18:02

EBay, free cycle, charity shops, primark, asda, Tesco - they don't break the budget.

He needs to sort his shit out and be a father to his child.

MinnowAndTheBear · 07/05/2016 18:03

Why would she need multiple outfit changes while she is there? One or two sets of spares is enough, to be returned each time.

clam · 07/05/2016 18:04

Yep, I think 'entitled gob-smacking knob' just about covers it.

You could respond, "How about you get yourself down to Primark and then you have free rein to buy her all the 'complete sets/outfits of clothes' you like."

ElspethFlashman · 07/05/2016 18:04

"Hi, glad you brought this up as of course it's not sustainable for me to buy clothes for two houses! Please go ahead and buy whatever clothes you think necessary for her to keep at your house full time."

ElspethFlashman · 07/05/2016 18:05

Btw you can get lovely stuff in Primark for 2 quid. So he can bog off.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 07/05/2016 18:09

Perhaps he could try having a tidy up and then he might find he has plenty of appropriate clothes.

Amy214 · 07/05/2016 18:09

ElspethFlashman i always buy clothes out of primark for dd, dont see the point in expensive clothes that are going to be ruined if she falls over (ripped trousers) or because shes growing too fast. She normally out of clothes in 6months. When it came to playgroup clothes i made sure i bought the extra cheap clothes so if they are ruined i can easily replace them.

RandomMess · 07/05/2016 18:10

Longer term what do you need/want?

To send her with a weekend bag and he returns everything or that he has suitable clothing at his rather than you getting all the washing etc?

That very much alters how you respond.

He is taking the p*ss though - 2nd hand baby/toddler clothes are so so so cheap.

chickenowner · 07/05/2016 18:14

I agree with ElspethFlashman - that text is polite, non confrontational but tells him what he needs to hear!

You could also recommend that he looks at ebay and local selling pages on facebook.

Don't buy any more clothes for her to keep at his house! And I think that his text to you was very rude.

Pseudo341 · 07/05/2016 18:16

How can he afford to live in a big house but not afford to buy his child clothes?

Himalayanrock · 07/05/2016 18:16

Hi ..I can't spare everything from here unless every item will be returned at the end of every weekend.
I need all shoes and coats back every weekend no matter what.
Please buy some items for sole use at your house of your choosing.

Presumably she went in some leggings/ skirt?!

Pearlman · 07/05/2016 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rainuntilseptember · 07/05/2016 18:17

It would be easier to send one bag with the weekend's worth only. Check it's all in there before accepting it back. Or he'll be doing this with every season, expecting his own summer clothes, jumpers etc.

Original poster
Theladyloriana · 07/05/2016 18:18

Well exactly pseudo...
Would think more sensible to have two wardrobes really
Thanks all for replies... Elspeth I'm not sure how he would take that! Could try though

OP posts:
Original poster
Theladyloriana · 07/05/2016 18:19

Sorry x posting... so rude I thought , good to hear others feel the same

OP posts:
HereIAm20 · 07/05/2016 18:21

More importantly why does he think it is ok (and why do you let him) not to contribute to the upkeep of his children?!!!

napmeistergeneral · 07/05/2016 18:22

YANBU. It must be difficult to want to leave him to step up to his responsibilities as a father, bur to not trust him enough to do so, given that the risk is that your children might not have what they need in terms of clothes and shoes, and may even be upset by that. It clearly hasn't occurred to him that his responsibility extends to clothing his children when they are with him. If your daughter is one she'll need new clothes for the summer anyway.

Could you ask that he buy what she'll need for everyday summer clothes, and go halves on any more expensive items she'll only need one of - assuming these actually come back from his weekends, or (if he's really not capable of getting his shit together enough to go to ASDA) give you a lump sum to cover what she'll need to keep at his house.

"Oh I'm glad you brought this up as it's the perfect time to talk about how we're going to split the cost of getting her what she needs for the summer".

Shakey15000 · 07/05/2016 18:23

I'd be texting back "Haha nice one!" swiftly followed by a "Kidding right??"

StrictlyMumDancing · 07/05/2016 18:29

How about:
'Strange, I always thought when someone did you a favour the correct response was Thank You'

EDisFunny · 07/05/2016 18:29

I don't think you should be sending any clothes except what she is wearing. He needs to step up.