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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how i respond to this text?

58 replies

Theladyloriana · 07/05/2016 17:56

I am going through a pretty dreadful split with exh. Unfortunately he is unable to financially contribute to the DC, but does have them eow and over night once a week. This means I pay for pretty much everything else.
He wanted more clothes for our DD aged 1, but doesn't want to buy any. Feeling sorry for him and not wanting my DD to go without while she is there, I packed a large bag full of clean clothes for him to keep all the time, not an overnight bag, which I felt I could spare as it were from her day to day clothes. If it's relevant, he didn't say thank you when he was given it which really upset me. He has started to stop returning shoes and clothes that have gone with them in the weekend bag which I have found pretty annoying as ds had nothing but school shoes for a few days. Exh lives in a large messy house and has their clothes all over the place when I've gone round- I haven't wanted to over step my mark and go around picking them up/ tidying up.
Really don't know how best to approach this as I really cannot afford to buy enough clothes for two homes,which I guess would be the least confrontational way of resolving it. I should also say I left a lot of clothes for them at the house when I left, again so there would be things there for them when they were there.
This is the text I received ten minutes ago

For (dds name) I now have tops, lots of winter tights, one pair of shorts no skirts, no leggings and no socks. When you put a bag of clothes together can you please try and put together complete sets/outfits of clothes.

Have I gone mad? Please do tell me if I'm doing something wrong, being in some way unreasonable, if there's something I've not thought of... or if he is the entitled, gob smacking knob I think he might be?

OP posts:

Original poster

Theladyloriana · 07/05/2016 18:33

Strictly I said that already when he took the bag with scowl

I was livid at the time and cried alot about it that day. So contemptuous of me

OP posts:

DailyMailAreAFuckingJoke · 07/05/2016 18:34

Send Elspeth's text. Cheeky fucker.

expatinscotland · 07/05/2016 18:34

'Elspeth I'm not sure how he would take that! Could try though'

Who cares? He's mugging you off. He 'can't afford' to contribute to the upkeep of his kids but lives in 'large, messy' house? He could clean it up and let out a room or two to pay for his kids.

Stop feeling sorry for him. He's not doing you any favours.

ElspethFlashman · 07/05/2016 18:34

I gather that instead a text saying "you are seriously pulling the piss mate" won't go down too well either???

Original poster

Theladyloriana · 07/05/2016 18:35

So is the expected norm of separated parents that the dad starts to do all the things the mum did in his home.... so in a clothes related sense, for us that means I did all the buying, tracking, washing of dc clothes

I don't think either of us have got our heads round how it will work in practice and I'm embarrassed to say the whole mess makes me weep.

OP posts:

BoffinMum · 07/05/2016 18:35

I would just ignore the text but stop taking things over there until he manned up and started paying his way.

expatinscotland · 07/05/2016 18:38

'So is the expected norm of separated parents that the dad starts to do all the things the mum did in his home.... so in a clothes related sense, for us that means I did all the buying, tracking, washing of dc clothes'

He should have been doing all that in the first place. They are his kids. This is not rocket science. Any adult can figure out where their kids need. He needs to step up. Tell him the truth, you cannot afford two wardrobes. He's a fucking knob, not providing for his own kids.

HoppingForward · 07/05/2016 18:38

"Try looking in your floordrobe. It's surprising what you find when you have a tidy up"

DD has been at her dads since Friday. She jumped in his car in the outfit she was wearing, it's up to him to sort the rest.

ladygracie · 07/05/2016 18:41

Yes - he has his own house now that he is in control of. Every family will have their own way of doing things so you need to find a way that works. As someone asked above - what do you want to happen?

ladygracie · 07/05/2016 18:42

Oh & yes he was a rude tosser in his text.

temporarilyjerry · 07/05/2016 18:43

I don't think you should be sending any clothes except what she is wearing. He needs to step up.

I agree with this. Surely if you have provided clothes for him to keep at his home DC don't need to take a weekend bag.

paxillin · 07/05/2016 18:48

She's 1, she will outgrow her stuff quickly, just tell him to already buy the next size up for his house and keep it there. Send her in old stuff you won't worry about him keeping. Same for ds. He won't send them back naked, so they will come back in the clothes they wore. Don't send any spares, he is a parent, same as you. It's not like he sends them with clothes or a packed lunch when they come to yours.

purplefox · 07/05/2016 18:58

My ex-h was similar, any "weekend" bags of clothes I sent would never return and of course he'd claim he'd lost the shoes etc. so he could keep them, no idea why he felt the need to keep them as he only had DS one evening every 3 weeks so its not like he was getting any use from them (I later found out he'd been giving them to his daughter to dress her son so she didn't need to buy clothes).

Eventually I just sent DS in the clothes he was wearing and nothing else and I still wouldn't get everything back as he started dressing him in clothes he bought then taking the clothes off in the car and carrying him to my door half-naked.

Mrscaindingle · 07/05/2016 19:03

DS goes to his dad's EOW with a bag of clothes that he brings back (obvs not washed that would be too much to ask) Ex once prompted DS to remember his toothbrush when he came to pick him up, I did suggest to Ex that he perhaps could splash out on a toothbrush
It's silly to buy so many clothes for a 1 year old who will grow out of them so quickly.

Scarydinosaurs · 07/05/2016 19:16

The rude tone of your text is not appreciated. It is no longer my job to buy clothes for DD to wear whilst she is with you. Whatever outfits you wish her to wear are now down to you to purchase. I'm sorry if my organising a bag of clothes confused matters- I saw this as me doing you a favour, this isn't the system going forward.

mamas12 · 07/05/2016 19:21

Stop what you're doing right now today
You are facilitating and enabling hi. To act like this
You can take back the control today
Stop giving hi. Clothes just let them go in old clothes and perhaps tell them and hi. At pick up time oh those pink shoes (or whatever) you have at your house goes with this outfit ok bye and wave them off with nothing on their feet.
Or if you have acces to his house just take back the stuff you need and don't let it leave your house again
Tell the kids that you don't get it back they ll understand

VimFuego101 · 07/05/2016 19:27

He needs to buy outfits and keep them there. If they go there in one of your outfits he can either return them in that or send them back in a different outfit as a swap. Elspeth's text suggestion is spot on.

junebirthdaygirl · 07/05/2016 20:52

My ds was a student when his dd was born. Still in. When she goes to him for weekend she arrives in clothes that's it. He has stuff he bought from Primark for her and presents his side of the family sometimes leave to him for her. Including shoes trainers slippers wellies everything.Other stuff goes to her moms house. He washes the clothes on Sunday morning and pops her back into them that evening before he drops her home. Your ex obviously has no interest in his dd as buying one or two little outfits that he chose will be so doable. Is he living in a house you have any financial interest in as he sounds like he might try to con you out of that as well?

ThisWasCrownjewel · 07/05/2016 21:02

I would ignore the text too. Then I'd get onto the CSA. If he mentions the clothes again at pick-up, drop-off, a lighthearted "oh, I just assumed you were joking, nobody could be THAT cheeky!" would be appropriate. 💐 for you - he sounds like a freeloading, piss-taking bellend.

gamerchick · 07/05/2016 21:06

Tell him to tidy his fucking shithole up and he might find he already has complete outfits.

Or more sensibly point him to primark.

It's better I suppose than the food parcels my ex requests. Apparently kids are expensive to feed

Claraoswald36 · 07/05/2016 21:07

Exh is the same. I send bags of hand me downs and he moans. I'm not sending their nice clothes they are lost or ruined at his house.
Tell
You exh to get his act together because you are not his mother

Original poster

Theladyloriana · 07/05/2016 23:00

Thanks all

Lots of your suggestions made me laugh, thank you. I've decided to leave it till tomo when I will send Elspeth's text... thank you all again

OP posts:

BrickInTheWall · 07/05/2016 23:14

I had the problem with ex not returning clothes. If I sent DD in just what she was wearing he would return her in clothes from his that were too small, stained or ripped and keep my nice clothes.
We eventually settled on an arrangement where she takes one outfit with her.. to wear when she returns. I ask him specifically to not even bother washing the outfit she goes in so there is no mix ups. Then all his clothes stay at his house and mine stay with me.

LindyHemming · 07/05/2016 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Finallyonboard · 07/05/2016 23:50

He doesn't sound at all in touch with reality. Is he used to people running around after him and making his life this easy? Good luck

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