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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Child support for step daughter

57 replies

Batgirl29 · 04/05/2016 07:15

To expect step daughters mum to pay some child support? Step daughter lives with us abroad and has done for the last 5 years (before that we did 50/50). Now she sees her mum during school holidays and we pay for the flights to facilitate this. Mum refuses to pay anything, despite working full time, being a homeowner, etc. Obviosuly my step daughter doesn't go without, we are comfortably off and make sure all of our children have everything they need, however it just doesn't feel right that she has no financial responsibility towards her. Do you think it's acceptable for one parent to just not pay towards their child's upbringing?

OP posts:

Sirzy · 04/05/2016 07:18

What is her excuse?

Original poster

Batgirl29 · 04/05/2016 07:23

She's can't afford it 😬 Manages to get her hair done, holidays, nights out....

OP posts:

YonicTrowel · 04/05/2016 07:27

Yes, she should. However, as you are in another jurisdiction, as many mothers have found when their exes moved abroad, it's not always easy.

Are you both in the EU? Have you asked a lawyer if anything can be done?

leelu66 · 04/05/2016 07:28

YANBU. Can your DH apply for CSA if you live abroad?

Can you tell her she needs to pay flights or would it be punishing your DSD because her mum won't pay for flights?

Miloarmadillo1 · 04/05/2016 07:29

YANBU but I imagine living abroad would make it difficult to pursue her through CSA etc.

Original poster

Batgirl29 · 04/05/2016 07:43

We are outside of the EU, the CSA is not an option. We have considered saying she needs to pay for the flights in lieu of child support but I genuinely don't think she would and yes my step daughter would miss out on seeing both her mum and extended family (who she spends a lot of time with whilst visiting her mum!) and we wouldn't do that to her.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 04/05/2016 07:43

How old is your step daughter?

Is she old enough to understand if you said that you can no longer pay for flights and that is her mums responsibility?

Was the move an amicable one or is some of the problem that her mum isn't happy with the set up?

AyeAmarok · 04/05/2016 07:48

What were the circumstances of DSD moving abroad to live with you full time?

She should be paying, yes. I'd hope at the very least she's putting it into a savings account for her DD, bit she should be paying it to her dad.

Original poster

Batgirl29 · 04/05/2016 08:03

The move was amicable enough, dh was offered a great job and she agreed step daughter could move with us (we wouldn't have moved without her). She was 5, almost 6, when we made the move and is now 11.

She would understand if we said her mum is arranging her flights from now on but she is quite savvy and wouldn't really believe us if we said we couldn't afford them anymore. Besides its not something I would want her worrying about.

OP posts:

HaPPy8 · 04/05/2016 08:06

To be honest I think that if care was 50/50 until you decided to move abroad then I can see an argument for her not paying and I think you should pay flights. Though I'm amazed she agreed to let her 5 yr old go.

Perfectlypurple · 04/05/2016 08:09

What reason is that HaPPy8?

Original poster

Batgirl29 · 04/05/2016 08:16

I should mention when we did 50/50 she insisted my dh pay her child support and at the time our hands were tied as the CSA didnt recognise shared care. Of course that's all changed now, thankfully.

OP posts:

LittleLionMansMummy · 04/05/2016 08:18

If it was 50/50 then nobody should have paid - why wasn't shared care recognised? It is no longer 50/50 so of course she should pay.

YonicTrowel · 04/05/2016 08:19

I thought the CSA has always scaled support in line with the number of nights spent at each home?

HaPPy8 · 04/05/2016 08:21

Because she was happy with the 50/50 arrangement and it was the father that changed the circumstances? I definetly think the father should pay the flights for this reason.

Maroonie · 04/05/2016 08:25

Just because you move doesn't mean the other parent has no financial responsibility for their child.

Maroonie · 04/05/2016 08:26

I do agree that the person who moved should pay for travel, but the NRP should pay child support/maintenance

Maroonie · 04/05/2016 08:28

With 50/50 the payments used to be scaled down but one parent was still considered the primary carer (who got CB etc) and the other was considered the NRP

RubbleBubble00 · 04/05/2016 08:34

Yes in theory BUT you and dh chose to move ending 50:50 arrangement. I'd let it go tbh. Your doing the best for sd.

PotterBot · 04/05/2016 08:35

She should pay but you won't be able to reinforce it. My exh moved to Australia. CSA informed me that they didn't have a chance in hell of getting the money.

Micah · 04/05/2016 08:40

Turn it round- this is a man not paying for his child after his ex moves.

You'd all be baying for blood. Deadbeat dad and all that.

I agree she shoul pay maintenance, you should pay for flights as you moved.

Have you checked re. Cm? Many countries have reciprocal agreements with the uk so it can be enforced in and out of the eu, depending on the country.

NameChangeMum456 · 04/05/2016 08:42

In the situation where 50/50 care was in place, and that changed because the RP moved to another country, thus removing the other parent's ability to access 50/50 care and increasing the amount of travel for any access at all, I would argue that it was the RP's choice and they should perhaps have to cover the costs of that.

As the NRP, I would then put savings away in lieu of maintenance for the child's future.

Probably a controversial opinion, but NRP had an arrangement where they were providing care, and that was removed as an option. It seems unfair to then expect them to shoulder the costs of the RPs decision, as well as have reduced contact.

In reality, as the NRP, I would likely pay towards the travel costs if I couldn't afford both, as contact is far more important. I'd pay both if I could afford it, because I wouldn't want my child to suffer, but I'd feel frustrated and perhaps annoyed that this has been thrust upon me when I was quite happy to share care equally and thus avoid any financial blah between parents.

Original poster

Batgirl29 · 04/05/2016 08:49

Yes the NRP was providing care 50% of the time before the move (the move that she agreed to) probably the same situation as the vast majority of divorced parents. Both parents living together, then one parent becoming the NRP, should they have to pay child support? They were willing to provide the care before the change of circumstances?

I fully accept we should pay for flights and we do so willingly (and will continue to do so).

OP posts:

RaeSkywalker · 04/05/2016 08:49

YANBU.

I'm also surprised that she let her 5 year old go. She should be contributing something, definitely. It doesn't sound like you can do anything about it though. Does she spend a lot on your SD when she visits? It wouldn't make it ok obviously, I'm just wondering.

YonicTrowel · 04/05/2016 08:49

Micah, give it a rest with the baying for blood thing.Most posters think the mother should contribute.

As the care was 50:50 pre move, the mother is hardly a deadbeat.

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