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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Child support for step daughter

57 replies

Batgirl29 · 04/05/2016 07:15

To expect step daughters mum to pay some child support? Step daughter lives with us abroad and has done for the last 5 years (before that we did 50/50). Now she sees her mum during school holidays and we pay for the flights to facilitate this. Mum refuses to pay anything, despite working full time, being a homeowner, etc. Obviosuly my step daughter doesn't go without, we are comfortably off and make sure all of our children have everything they need, however it just doesn't feel right that she has no financial responsibility towards her. Do you think it's acceptable for one parent to just not pay towards their child's upbringing?

OP posts:

Original poster

Batgirl29 · 04/05/2016 08:54

She does spend the majority of the time with her whilst she's their but is also surprisingly willing to send her off for sleepovers with grandparents, aunts and uncles, family friends, which I can't really get my head around? In the Easter holidays step daughter was there for 12 nights and spent at least 4 nights at other peoples houses.

OP posts:

PotterBot · 04/05/2016 08:56

Ok but in the mothers defence she may want her to spend time with her other relatives from that side of the family too?

YonicTrowel · 04/05/2016 08:57

Well, if those relatives want a relationship with DSD and she with them, what choice does she have?

Also, if she works full time and DSD is in the UK for more than her holiday allowance, other relatives may need to provide childcare.

Does she have other children?

NameChangeMum456 · 04/05/2016 08:57

Well, the child has a right to have relationships with family on the mother's side also. This would be difficult for them to arrange independently I guess due to the distance involved, so it happens when the child is with mother.

Original poster

Batgirl29 · 04/05/2016 09:00

Absolutely but there's no reason that could not be done together or during the day when mum is at work thus optimizing mum and daughter spending quality time together. Anyway to be fair her mum loves her and is a fine parent, there's no question that the current flights and contact will continue. It's just a difference in parenting and lifestyle and not the way I would do things.

OP posts:

Lighteningirll · 04/05/2016 09:00

Honestly just let it go, it's wrong but you can't do anything about it. You are outside any court jurisdiction and all you could possibly do is stop paying for flights which will hurt your stepdaughter. You are behaving well keep, behaving well. Some people can abdicate parental responsibility and it stuns and amazes those of us who can't ever imagine doing so, be proud you are in the second group.

YonicTrowel · 04/05/2016 09:05

I don't know how far away the relatives are etc but staying overnight with relatives is a nice thing for a child in itself.

greybead · 04/05/2016 09:07

I think the finances are the least of anyone's worries here tbh. What I can't understand is:

A) why the girl's mum let her move abroad aged 5 without her
B) why the girl's dad thought it could ever be in the child's best interests having mum and dad in different countries

I think both mum and dad need to start saving for this girl to have a lot of counselling.

PotterBot · 04/05/2016 09:10

My exh moved to Australia without telling his son. DS is now 13, he is so angry at his dad I can't tell you. He has very little relationship with his father now as a result of it. I am looking into counselling at the moment for him as he is so angry at the moment.

Don't let money get in the way of your dsd having a relationship with her mum and her family.

Original poster

Batgirl29 · 04/05/2016 09:12

Don't worry she's a fabulous young lady. Incredibly well adjusted, loved by everyone and excelling academically. I can't see counseling being necessary but if so I'll pay for it 👍

OP posts:

Just5minswithDacre · 04/05/2016 09:25

The move was amicable enough, dh was offered a great job and she agreed step daughter could move with us (we wouldn't have moved without her). She was 5, almost 6, when we made the move and is now 11

Weird. You wouldn't leave without her, but her having parents in two continents didn't worry you?

I don't think you can be so sure at 11 that there won't yet be psychological blowback from your 'decision'.

MyLocal · 04/05/2016 09:27

The mum should at least be contributing something, if only into a savings account for her DD later.

You sound like a lovely step mum, cannot imagine in my wildest dreams that I would give up my DD so easily at 5 to live abroad. Mum sounds more than a tad selfish.

Just5minswithDacre · 04/05/2016 09:27

Greybead has nailed it, though; Money is the least of it and really you'd be better dropping the CM issue (also the little remarks about how DM allows DD to spend contact nights with extended family.)

DaemonPantalaemon · 04/05/2016 09:28

It's just a difference in parenting and lifestyle and not the way I would do things.

So you are happy with YOUR non-traditional family set-up (you married a man with a child with another woman) but you are not happy with HER non-traditional family set up (her child now lives with the man she had the child with and another woman!)

You seem to be far too judgemental of her choices. This is not really about money, is it???

EatShitDerek · 04/05/2016 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PancakesAndMapleSyrup · 04/05/2016 09:31

Op what country are you in? There are reciprocal arrangements between GB and other countries outside of the EU. E..g my dad moved to the states but had to pay child support until i was 21.

Cabrinha · 04/05/2016 09:33

What does her father think? Is it only you that cares?

I can actually see that it is acceptable if the individuals are happy.

My XH earns more than me, but I earn a good wage. I don't need child support, and though I'm 70/30, he also needs to provide a home for her. I pay for all her activities (a lot!). School trips - primary so not much. The only thing he pays is a £100 share per month of after school club.

I am entitled to about £400 a month but I have never asked for it - I just don't consider it necessary (much as I flipping hate her father!) I am quite happy to pay for my own child - your husband might be too.

In this circumstance too, it's not a simple choice of where she lives. It was 50/50. Her mother may have decided that it was an amazing opportunity for her daughter to grow up in this country. It is impossible for me to imagine making that choice myself, but a father is equal to a mother (at least in theory - plenty of both are arseholes!) so it was a valid choice.

Now if I let my XH have my daughter full time because it was in HER interests not in MINE... Well tbh, I wouldn't want to also be paying for the privilege of not even having my own daughter! It sounds like she hasn't dumped the girl on him and walked away - she has given up a lot. No way would I want to me paying my husband to have her when I actually wanted her anyway! She has potentially given up something she really wanted, for the sake of her child. To be asked to pay for that too? Especially if the father is able / willing to pay. I can absolutely see that individuals might decide this is perfectly fair - including the flights home.

It's not a simple straightforward choice for the mother not to do 50% - the father's move made it impossible.

As I say, I speak as someone who has turned down £400 a month of easy money, so I think my money is where my mouth is.

If the parents are happy - then drop it.

dowhatnow · 04/05/2016 09:34

You moved away so should pay for the flights.
Mum should pay maintenance for her child.
But
It's irrelevant as its not going to happen and good for you that you won't put DSD through the trauma of fighting your case by withholding the flight payments.

YANBU feeling aggrieved though.

Original poster

Batgirl29 · 04/05/2016 09:37

I know several mums living here with children from their 1st marriage, I don't think many people would suggest they were in the wrong to move away with their child, especially with the fathers permission, to have a far higher standard of living, remain with their siblings, go to an outstanding private school and still have regular contact with the NRP who was able to remain a loving, involved parent.

I don't need to justify falling in love and creating a loving, happy marriage with a man who just so happened to have a child from a previous relationship. A child I adore and treat as my own.

OP posts:

Original poster

Batgirl29 · 04/05/2016 09:40

Her father thinks the mother should contribute but we are both aware that legally it is unenforceable.

Yes we know we should pay for flights, hence having done so and us continuing to do so.

OP posts:

Just5minswithDacre · 04/05/2016 09:48

Are you in the Middle East?

starry0ne · 04/05/2016 10:00

Yes mum should contribute..
I really don't understand the she didn't choose for it not to be 50 /50... Courts change contact and should be not expect maintenance to change then?

As it is not enforceable and she is refusing ..I think you are going to have to move on from it but know yes she should.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 04/05/2016 10:48

Presumably there is a reasonably high chance that you will at some point return to the UK or that your DSD will need to return to the UK to complete her education particularly if she wishes to attend a UK university without being defined as an Overseas Student.
Residency may well change in the future. I appreciate that it may grate a little but for your own peace of mind just pretend that she's dead.

DaemonPantalaemon · 04/05/2016 11:36

I don't need to justify falling in love and creating a loving, happy marriage with a man who just so happened to have a child from a previous relationship. A child I adore and treat as my own

But yi seem to be judging the fact that you are able to have precisely that set-up because the mother allowed it! So you are happy to have the set-up. but you still say Its just a difference in parenting and lifestyle and not the way I would do things.

Can't you see that it is precisely because the mother allowed her child to go with the father that you have your current set-up??? So why judge her for making the choice she made? You imply that she is a bad mother for allowing her child to move away, and then for letting her sleep over at relatives houses!

Janecc · 04/05/2016 11:51

I understand your frustrations. I would let it go. Better to keep the situation amicable than the mother suddenly turning round one day and denying dsd the right to get on the plane to come home because she's angry and given up enough already. I'm not saying this would happen but I'd rather not chance it and getting dsd I imagine would be extremely difficult not to mention traumatic for her.

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