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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Anyone married to a farmer

70 replies

MrsFarm · 29/04/2016 16:03

Aibu to question why my husband (dairy farmer) works 7am-10pm....meaning missing the morning routine of breakfast, dressing kids, getting them to child minder, collecting, bath time, bed time. Clothes washing, food making, house cleaning. Everything. No sorry, he cuts the grass.

OP posts:

Panicmode1 · 29/04/2016 16:05

You don't have to be married to a farmer to have a husband/partner who is out of the house for those hours....!

PuntasticUsername · 29/04/2016 16:05

You got as far as marrying and reproducing with a dairy farmer, multiple times, without realising it's a 24/7/365 job?

Except in calving season, when it's slightly busier.

QforCucumber · 29/04/2016 16:08

Aibu to question why my husband (dairy farmer) works 7am-10pm

Yabu if you're aware that its the nature of what he does, he's not sat around doing nothing for those hours.

Yanbu if this is a new career change and you weren't aware of what would be involved beforehand.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 29/04/2016 16:09

My in-laws are all farmers and I live on the farm. Obviously it's annoying, but having a farm is like having kids. You can't just do things when it suits you, its constant. What do you expect him to do?

P1nkP0ppy · 29/04/2016 16:12

Ummm yes, you ABVVVU.
Just what else did you expect speaking from 25 years of being a farmer's wife before we gave up ? My DH wasn't even present for the dcs births!

Original poster

MrsFarm · 29/04/2016 16:14

My friend is from a farm and she said her dad always came home before milking to help with homework and dinner. My husband does not do that (don't have homework here yet anyway) .

Just pissed off because he just came in the door, I had 2 toddlers screaming and he just said "anything to eat?"

OP posts:

JJoy342 · 29/04/2016 16:14

If you married him, surely you knew he would keep those hours. It must be hard on you, but farming is pretty physically demanding, so it's got to be tough on him as well, if it's really causing an issue, can he hire extra help so that he can have some time off.

JJoy342 · 29/04/2016 16:16

And in fairness to him he doesn't just cut the grass, he's bringing income into the household.

acasualobserver · 29/04/2016 16:17

Do you think some of the time between 7am and 10pm is spent skiving and deliberately avoiding work in the home?

Thattimeofyearagain · 29/04/2016 16:19

Yabvu

Silvertap · 29/04/2016 16:48

Ynbu - I'm sure he doesn't have to work 7am - 10pm 365 days a year. He could have come in and said. "Shall I get a takeaway"

Original poster

MrsFarm · 29/04/2016 17:43

I work too, so I also bring an income in, aswell as doing 100% of housework, and cooking.
I don't think he's skiving, I know he works hard but maybe he could manage his time a bit better? Having kids was his idea too

OP posts:

IsItTimeForGinYet · 29/04/2016 21:03

Dairy farmers daughter here. Didn't see my father much at all when I was little. He would come in for lunch and that was about it!

sparechange · 29/04/2016 21:11

My dad was a dairy farmer. We didn't see him.
His dad was a dairy farmer, and he didn't see him either so thought our childhood was normal.

Eventually, he lost gave up the farm and had a mon-Friday job

He missed cows so much that he did relief milking on weekends for fun

The only point he gave up farming totally was when he married my stepmother. She is a bigger cow than the entire herd we grew up with. I'd rather he gave her up and went back to the farm any day of the week

dementedma · 29/04/2016 21:13

Love the stepmother comment!

dairyfarmerswife · 29/04/2016 21:23

Your DH doesn't start very early for a dairy farmer but he finishes flippin late! You are lucky he cuts the grass, I have to do ours!

In all seriousness it sounds like he is working flippin hard - does he have staff or other family to help? Myself and DH both work on the farm, and I generally bear the brunt of childcare and housekeeping, though I work less hours than he does. Don't underestimate how physically exhausting dairy farming is, (and in the present market conditions, how extremely stressful. Prices dropping every month. ) My DH, having spent the day sorting out the contractors spreading slurry, as well as a bit of fabrication, some tractor driving, is currently snoring on the sofa, which is pretty much par for the course for this time of night.

Saying all that, we have restructured both staff and our own roles this year so I am doing more outside which means he spends time with the kids, doing nursery run, cooking, shopping, though no cleaning or washing . It can be done but he has to be able to see the wood for the trees, and I suspect if he's working those hours, he can't.

SpringHasNearlySprung · 29/04/2016 21:27

I know he works hard but maybe he could manage his time a bit better?

Are you serious? Manage his time a bit better? We live on our working farm, (sheep and dairy) and I have a livery yard. DH has his own business (he's a vet) I work full time term time. We managed to bring up 4 children it was bloody hard During lambing/calving I never saw DH between his job and keeping the farm going. Do you really expect your DH to work 15 hour days and have time for housework? I grew up on a farm and I know how much hard work goes into running one. My dad was rarely home during busy times. Did you expect life to be a white picket fence and roses round the door with your DH to be available when you expect him to? Living and working a farm is bloody hard and far from the romantic picture it's painted.

sparechange · 29/04/2016 21:30

Oh, and my cousin now has our old family farm, with his wife.

Their entire wedding day was timed around milkings, for him and him farmer friends.

Ceremony was at a weirdly early time - 10:30am, I think
Then a long break to give them time to do the lunchtime milking, then a late lunch, then a break for evening milking, and it got going again

It's definitely a way of life! I think they had someone in to do relief for the evening milking for the bride and groom, but the room smelt strongly of cows. I suspect a few boilers suits went on over wedding suits that day!

SpringHasNearlySprung · 29/04/2016 21:31

Ynbu - I'm sure he doesn't have to work 7am - 10pm 365 days a year. He could have come in and said. "Shall I get a takeaway"

Do you live on a farm? A takeaway? I doubt my DH would want to drive a 26 mile round trip after a 15 hour shift to collect a takeaway that would be cold by the time he brought it home.

IonaNE · 29/04/2016 21:34

Sorry, not helpful at all, but reading the above I am so glad I didn't grow up on a farm and don't live on one now...

PoppieD · 29/04/2016 21:39

Farming life does seem crazy intense if it's not what youre used to. Sadly it is this bad and with the ever decreasing amount that the big companies are paying it's only going to get harder. On a positive note some of our neighbouring farms are starting to sell their own milk!

dairyfarmerswife · 29/04/2016 21:49

Not all farms are in the arse end of nowhere spring . A Chinese, Indian or pizza is ten minutes away from our door, and countless other farms in our vicinity. My DH has, on numerous occasions, suggested takeaway on those days when it has all been too much. We used to have an emergency, no think takeaway order written down for busy times too. I can see both sides because farming IS all consuming, exhausting work. But it is not an excuse to neglect a family or marriage, especially if the spouse is not from farming background, and not aware of what they will be getting into.

SpringHasNearlySprung · 29/04/2016 22:05

We are miles from anywhere Dairy. If only we had a takeaway near I wish The OP came on moaning. Her DH is working 15 hour days at probably one of the busiest seasons of the the year (depending on what else they're farming of course). I doubt her DH gets in at 10 EVERY day of the year and is out of the house 7am until 10pm all day every day. If the spouse is not from a farming background then surely that spouse would have had some sort of idea it wasn't a 9-5 job before they married. Very few people just decide to become farmers, buy a farm and take it on after marrying. Most people do have a rough idea of what farming involves if you date a farmer.

dairyfarmerswife · 29/04/2016 22:13

As I said, I can see both sides, and I do agree with you. In a way though, I think I tolerate more because of my farming background, and I can see that lack of direct farming experience might give a rose tinted perspective of life on a farm. It's bloody tough, it's long hours, it's few if any holidays and it's missing out on things because there is a cow calving or the sheep are out or the workman is off sick or the tractor broke down. But the attitude of the farmer makes a difference too, and I am lucky that my DH prioritises quality time as a family and sees the importance of holidays, and 'cow free days' (my parents class a day out at an affordable show as a holiday). I guess I'm saying that it can be done.

dairyfarmerswife · 29/04/2016 22:14

An agricultural show

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