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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Anyone married to a farmer

70 replies

MrsFarm · 29/04/2016 16:03

Aibu to question why my husband (dairy farmer) works 7am-10pm....meaning missing the morning routine of breakfast, dressing kids, getting them to child minder, collecting, bath time, bed time. Clothes washing, food making, house cleaning. Everything. No sorry, he cuts the grass.

OP posts:

dairyfarmerswife · 29/04/2016 22:17

Oh and I meant to add that farmers often live at home right up to marriage or moving in with a partner, so they have little experience of fending for themselves in a house. I Moved straight in when my IL moved out, and I so should have let him struggle for a few months so he would appreciate me more . it's very easy to simply step into the shoes vacated by his mother.

FloatIsRechargedNow · 29/04/2016 22:44

I'm guessing Mrs Farm that the MN audience says you must suck it up - EVERY DAY. That's really every day. 27 messages for a farmer's wife and 350 for a teacher's wife.

Farming's brilliant, just make sure you are more noticeable than the bolshiest cow in the yard. Harder to marry into farming, than coming from it.

Good luck, snd make sure at least once a day to look at what you have got around you, and consider it. Compare it to city life and tell yourself how lucky you are. Hopefully Mr Farm is ok-ish. Mrs Farms that stick it out get great respect after a decade or two.

SpringHasNearlySprung · 29/04/2016 23:15

Dairy. 'Cow free days' this struck a chord with me. For the first time in 20 years we will be having 15 cow/horse/sheep free days this summer when we go on holiday. DH always marvels at his nails after 5 days normally. They'll be gleaming after 15 whole days.

OP I won't deny farming is hard but it's a lifestyle many people will never have the joy of experiencing. A lot of people would give anything to bring their children up on a farm (as hard as it it is). YABVU your cup is half empty instead of half full. Many times my DH has come in knackered and looking for food, slow cookers are wonderful things. You just have known a bit about farming life, after all you dated him. It's not as if the farming way of life has come as a surprise. You either buy into it or you don't. That's your choice to make.

Salmotrutta · 29/04/2016 23:34

Absolutely loving the idea that farmers can just order takeaway.

Takeaway is not an option if you live in the arse end of nowhere and your ewes are dropping lambs right left and centre.

OK?

SpringHasNearlySprung · 29/04/2016 23:42

Takeaway is not an option if you live in the arse end of nowhere and your ewes are dropping lambs right left and centre.

Agreed. What a stupid comment "get him to order takeaway" I note the OP has not returned.

mrsmeerkat · 29/04/2016 23:43

I have massive respect for farmers and their work ethic but could I marry one. Nope. I nearly did. cut my stick .. He was lovely but it is the farm first all of the time.

MrsRyanGosling15 · 29/04/2016 23:43

My dh comes from a family of farmers. Thankfully he isn't one as I absolutely would never have married him if he was a farmer. I don't really understand having kids but then basically never seeing them. They can't have much of a bond with each other. Yes work is important but family must always,always come 1st in my eyes. I don't think YABU at all.

Salmotrutta · 29/04/2016 23:50

My oldest friend is a farmers daughter.

Her Mum and Dad were two of the most amazing people I have ever met.

And I'm 54.

They consolidated every value my parents instilled in me.

Salmotrutta · 29/04/2016 23:57

MrsRyanGosling - Every farmer I have ever met ( and I've met loads) has been very invested in their offsprings future.

MrsRyanGosling15 · 30/04/2016 00:08

Oh I'm sure they are. It's just I see it in my dh family. The men are literally always working. They don't do bedtimes, play times, breakfast lunch and dinner and all the things that happen in between. I just couldn't imagine feeling connected to my children if I went to work before they woke and came home when they were in bed every single day. They just wouldn't see me. And I don't think the op should get a hard time for complaining about her dh work life balance.

noddingoff · 30/04/2016 03:41

Careful how you phrase your concerns OP, or he'll say "righto let's get a huge bank loan so I can buy the big superfast rotary parlour of my dreams, that'll speed things up"

wenchystrumpet · 30/04/2016 04:59

YNBU my partner has a 500 cow dairy farm and manages to join in most mornings (after milking) and bedtimes. Not always in spring. He cooks one weekend night.
Interestingly we also have takeaway nearby.

wallywobbles · 30/04/2016 05:03

Shadow him for a day and you'll likely not complain again. IME for dairy he starts pretty late. I came from professional horse yard. Our days were 6am to 7pm. Rinse and repeat. I stopped at 15 as it wasn't possible to continue education and keep competing.

Ladyflip · 30/04/2016 05:12

Yanbu to question his absence. Or even complain, shout at him, and rail against it.

Yabu if you think it will change anything.

Farming is all consuming and eventually you learn that your position in the order of priority is somewhere between the cows and the dog!

Silvertap · 30/04/2016 06:22

Lots of farmers live near takeaways! I do for example. Of course lots don't. The point I was making was I agree with others that farming is all consuming but that doesn't stop him offering to help where he can or being a bit more appreciative of his wife.

Love the person who suggested she better be careful as they might end up with a rotary parlour.

curren · 30/04/2016 06:38

I don't get threads like this.

Have you only just bought the farm?

Has he just started working those hours?

Because, if not, you married him. You then had a child with him and at least another one. So why is this an issue now?

I have friend who complains about her husbands job in a similar way. But he has always done the job that he does. He has never said he would give it up and he is now twenty years in and will get a decent pension if he sticks it out.

I had a boyfriend who joined the Army. I split up with him. I couldn't spend my life as an army wife. I know I couldn't do it. So there was no point continuing the relationship. I wouldn't have married him, had kids and then told him I couldn't do it anymore and he had to stop.

Farms are all very different because hours depend on how big and how many staff you have helping out.

QuiteLikely5 · 30/04/2016 06:48

Yanbu. Yes you knew these things when you made the commitment but you are allowed to have a moan about them.

Going by what I've read on here I would hate, hate, hate to be a farmers wife!!!

AuldYow · 30/04/2016 06:54

Farming isn't just a job it's a way of life. I grew up on a farm and my Dad never did the bedtime routine, homework etc he worked (and still does work) 24/7 if necessary. He never even came on holiday with us. I did however spend loads of time with him as I helped out a lot.

My Mum has no interest and just lets him get on with it, this was her choice when she married him nearly 45 years ago. She totally knew what she was getting herself into so no surprises. She was never best pleased when I used to bring orphan lambs into the house to warm up. Or came in smelling of silage, mmmm that lovely smell or warmed silage mixed with cow shit never ever miss that!

My tractor and farm implement knowledge is amaze balls though when my DSs were little they were in awe.

I didn't marry a farmer

P1nkP0ppy · 30/04/2016 06:59

You need to be pretty resourceful and independent to be a farmer's wife, as well as prepared to literally muck in when needed.
I look back on our farming days and think how lucky we were but I also did the farm books, night duty as a nurse 3/4 nights a week and all the childcare, housework, gardening etc.
Don't know how I did it!

greengreenten · 30/04/2016 07:28

Yes I'm a farmer's wife and found it very tough when DCs were little. We could never just have a normal holiday at a normal time of year either (arable farm). Still can't.

It can feel like you're running the whole show and now the kids are older I quite like the quiet times I have when he is busy. It'll get better I'm sure and you may find that if he did help with school runs it would be one extra person to organise/ he wouldn't know what to do....hold tight, better days are coming when you won't be exhausted from childcare and you can enjoy the if farm life more

Coconutty · 30/04/2016 07:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Farmlife · 30/04/2016 07:37

I think OP was just having a moan.
Surely we are all allowed a moan sometimes?

I love my life, dh is very involved with homelife. Leaves the house 5.30 comes back for a coffee and to take dc1 to the school bus stop, then back to work, then pops back to see dc2 before I drive DC to school.
He tries to pop back for lunch. Also will make dinner, clean, put a load of washing on, run a Hoover round the house, at any random point that he's home. He can't sit down, he just won't relax, until late evening, then it's just like a switch has been flicked off and he's out like a light. The DC go to bed later than him now. He tries to spend as much time as he can with them.

I still have days were I just want to moan though. Things like no nights out for us, not spending Weekends as a family. Spending every bank holiday, mothers day, father's day. Taking the DC out on my own and watching all the happy families, spending lovely days out together.

Normally I'm fine, just every now and then, I resent it.

jay55 · 30/04/2016 07:45

Presumably he had time to date the op before they married. It can't have been 7-10 during that time, possibly not when they decided to have kids either, else they wouldn't have had time to talk about it.

So I don't see how she could have foreseen never seeing her husband unless he was hungry.
What changed?

dairyfarmerswife · 30/04/2016 07:46

You may find that if he did help with school runs it would be one extra person to organise/ he wouldn't know what to do

Yes! Is it swimming day? Does she need her PE kit? What time do I need to pick DS up? How do I tell if the rice is cooked? And so on...

Yes OP is allowed to moan, definitely. Hope today is a better day OP.

Lucy1308 · 30/04/2016 07:47

You are 100% being unreasonable. My other half works the exact same hours on his family farms and I would never EVER suggest to him that he should somehow "manage his time better" to come and deal with a screaming toddler. In so far as I see it, if you want to spend time with them (especially at this time of year when they are busy doing stuff they don't do all winter) then you go to them. You sit on a tractor, you help with the calves, you wash the drains out. Anything you can to be with them. If the kids aren't old enough to help then you just accept that he can't be superman- it isn't physically possible for him to come home every meal time and feed the kids with you if you still also expect him to do the job that he does.

Farming isn't a job- it is a 24/7/365 way of life that you should 100% understand by now since you've got far enough to marry and reproduce with one! This wouldn't be an unreasonable feeling if you were only together 6 weeks but to have got this far you must KNOW it is unreasonable!

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